Government Dysfunction Political Correspondent
In a move that surprised voters and pundits alike, Democratic candidate Martin O’Malley outlined a new, anarchy-based platform at a stump speech last Saturday.
Languishing at low single digits in the polls and viewed largely as a nonfactor in the primary, the former mayor of Baltimore and Governor of Maryland decided the best way to capture voter interest and create buzz around his candidacy was to call for the complete dissolution of the United States governmental apparatus, to be replaced with a completely non-hierarchical system in which the individual is given full freedom to follow their will. To a sea of confused frowns and occasional scattered applause, he opened the speech with a ten-minute tirade on the evils of government and the merits of free association.
In one of his most noted lines of the appearance, O’Malley capped off his speech by saying that “unlike Secretary Clinton, who would tell you that the State is necessary to maintain order and stability, I believe that we will only achieve true greatness when the State’s parasitic hold on us has been broken. Please look at my platform at martinomalley.com/whyihatethestate and donate to my campaign. No, seriously, I desperately need your money. Have you seen how much Hillary and Bernie have been getting? I have, like, a fiftieth of that…Even less, if you count Super PAC money. Please, please donate”.
In an appearance on Meet the Press the next day, O’Malley’s campaign adviser Dave Hamrick reflected on his team’s decision to eschew the traditional Democratic platform of large-scale government intervention in favor of a call for no government whatsoever:
“We realized that O’Malley was stuck in the middle between the pragmatic liberalism of Hillary Clinton and the fiery progressivism of Bernie Sanders. Initially, we tried to push his credentials as someone who had actual governing experience and a reasonably solid record of liberal leadership, but that was getting us nowhere fast. But then one day, I was reading yet another article about the new crazy thing Trump or Carson or Huckabee had said and I just sort of realized that the only way we were going to get any coverage was by going completely off the rails. Since then…well, it’s been a wild ride”.
Hamrick then reportedly got out a can of black spray-paint, tagged an A in a circle on the camera recording the segment and ran out of the room.
It has not yet become clear whether O’Malley’s new strategy has been paying off, but search interest for his campaign has been through the roof since the speech and he has received the endorsement of more than a dozen people who shout at pedestrians in major cities. The campaign has indicated that, in reaction to the positive response, they plan to have O’Malley become a Rastafarian as soon as next week.