What Can Women Do?

The Pentagon recently declared that they are opening up all military position to women. What else can women do in this day and age?

• Run for President

• Vote for President

• Build war machines for troops fighting overseas

• Hold a full-time job outside the home while also raising children

• Lean the fuck in

• That thing where you spin the pencil around the heel of your thumb/palm (damn it’s so cool)

• Play with Legos

• Edit satirical newspapers

• Eat satirical newspapers

• Eat bacon

• Beat the crap out of bad people

• Be Thor

• Not give birth

• Drive war rigs

• Have it all in the Big City

• Call Drake on his cellphone (actually, she used to do that, so…)

• Orgasm

• It

O’Malley Advocates Anarchism in Bid for Media Attention

omalley

Mark Saporta, Government Dysfunction Political Correspondent

In a move that surprised voters and pundits alike, Democratic candidate Martin O’Malley outlined a new, anarchy-based platform at a stump speech last Saturday.

Languishing at low single digits in the polls and viewed largely as a nonfactor in the primary, the former mayor of Baltimore and Governor of Maryland decided the best way to capture voter interest and create buzz around his candidacy was to call for the complete dissolution of the United States governmental apparatus, to be replaced with a completely non-hierarchical system in which the individual is given full freedom to follow their will. To a sea of confused frowns and occasional scattered applause, he opened the speech with a ten-minute tirade on the evils of government and the merits of free association.

In one of his most noted lines of the appearance, O’Malley capped off his speech by saying that “unlike Secretary Clinton, who would tell you that the State is necessary to maintain order and stability, I believe that we will only achieve true greatness when the State’s parasitic hold on us has been broken. Please look at my platform at martinomalley.com/whyihatethestate and donate to my campaign. No, seriously, I desperately need your money. Have you seen how much Hillary and Bernie have been getting? I have, like, a fiftieth of that…Even less, if you count Super PAC money. Please, please donate”.

In an appearance on Meet the Press the next day, O’Malley’s campaign adviser Dave Hamrick reflected on his team’s decision to eschew the traditional Democratic platform of large-scale government intervention in favor of a call for no government whatsoever:

“We realized that O’Malley was stuck in the middle between the pragmatic liberalism of Hillary Clinton and the fiery progressivism of Bernie Sanders. Initially, we tried to push his credentials as someone who had actual governing experience and a reasonably solid record of liberal leadership, but that was getting us nowhere fast. But then one day, I was reading yet another article about the new crazy thing Trump or Carson or Huckabee had said and I just sort of realized that the only way we were going to get any coverage was by going completely off the rails. Since then…well, it’s been a wild ride”.

Hamrick then reportedly got out a can of black spray-paint, tagged an A in a circle on the camera recording the segment and ran out of the room.

It has not yet become clear whether O’Malley’s new strategy has been paying off, but search interest for his campaign has been through the roof since the speech and he has received the endorsement of more than a dozen people who shout at pedestrians in major cities. The campaign has indicated that, in reaction to the positive response, they plan to have O’Malley become a Rastafarian as soon as next week.

Scobell Secedes to Avoid Exams

Scobell House 2

Spencer Early, Scobell Correspondent

Prompted by the threat of impending final exams, Scobell third floor resident Michael Yu began to wring his hands in desperation. He considered talking to his RA, TA, professors, and even studying. However, the stakes were too high. Gripped with fear, Yu went to housefellow Thomas Rainey for advice.

“I just don’t understand why we have to take these exams,” Michael lamented. “…balh examns succk.”

“How about we have a secret meeting, and end exams, once and for all!” said Rainey.

So Michael and Thomas Rainey set out to Pitt seeking to evade prying eyes of CMU administration and news reporters, and entered the safety of a soundproof room in the basement of the Cathedral of Learning behind locked doors.

“You know Michael, I’ve always wanted Scobell to break off and become its own kingdom. We sit high upon The Hill and have plenty of expendable young lives to defend it.”

“I’m in! As long as we abolish finals,” Michael responded.

Michael has since begun writing the national anthem for Scobell (which he certainly did not steal from Scotland): “Land of my high endeavor, land of the leaky downspout, land of my heart forever, Scobell the brave.”

Michael was last seen barricaded in the basement, humming the anthem to himself.

General Motors to Release Eco-Friendly Model, Runs on Pure Gold

Kwanpo Cheng, Fancy Car Correpsondent

In a recent announcement, the General Motors Company stated they had recently given an okay to the Lustre, a new brand of luxury sports cars that will purportedly run on pure liquid gold. Aimed tentative release date is the third fiscal quarter of 2017, the American automotive giant hopes to make significant returns on the government tax credits.

“We recognize the need for new eco-friendly vehicles,” spokesman Patrick Sterling said at the press conference. “Which is why we have made the significant first step in moving away from using fossil fuels and other non-renewable resources. We hope this bold direction will eventually inspire change in the way consumers think about the environment.”

New “gold stations” will be installed all across the country, similar to Tesla’s strategy for installing electric stations. Owners of the Lustre will be able to check in and refill their tanks with gold while they receive a complimentary back massage.

The vehicle will feature all standard safety features and four-wheel drive for off-road romping through protected nature reserves. The model will also include a new gauge that informs the owner of how much gas and oil they have saved since they purchased the vehicle. This eco-meter will always remain at zero since no fossil fuels have been consumed by the car.

The test drivers have been very enthusiastic about the car. Aaron Hamilton, 39, said he loved simply knowing that he was driving a carbon-zero vehicle. “Sometimes I sit by the eco-meter and just watch it not go up. It gives me something nice to think about while I’m on my lunch break with my sharkfin salad.” When questioned about the vehicle’s flaws, Hamilton responds, “The heating unit doesn’t really work. I usually have to wear one or two fur coats, maybe a mink scarf when I’m driving in the winter. Sometimes I just give up and bring my portable gas heater into the car with me.”

GM said they are “excited” about the positive reception and hopes to inspire consumers to switch to a 100% eco-friendly car. “The price of saving the environment may be high,” said the spokesman, “but the average buyer isn’t good with money anyways. If we build it, they will buy it.”

Consumers who enjoy the car can look forward to a gold-painted version costing about $40,000 more.

Trolls on the Move, Causing Misery

Spencer Early, Troll-Master

With the recent scare of explosive suitcases and construction zones, the Trolls of Oakland have no choice but to move to a safer place. At least, that is what the Oakland Troll Administration says. However, we suspect that the Trolls of Oakland have a much darker motive for their migration. The goal of trolls is to spread misery to all.

In Schenley Park lies a village of Trolls called Trolldale. It is a known fact that CMU final exams are written by the trolls of Trolldale. With exams right around the corner, all of Trolldale has been celebrating the misery caused by the forthcoming finals. The Trolls of Oakland, who write the final exams for Pitt, are enraged to have been once again outdone by Trolldale in making miserable exams. Therefore, the Trolls of Oakland are invading Schenley Park to wage war against Trolldale.

“Baahhr!” roared Grusmithr (meaning “Big Bad Troll” in Trollese), the Oakland Troll from atop the Litchfield Towers. Swinging his club to monger fear in all who could see, Grusmithr leapt from his perch and charged south, leaving trees splintered and parking garages crumbled in his wake of destruction. In a fit of rage, Grusmithr ran to Schenley Park so he could attack the celebrating trolls of Trolldale.

“Ooohh, arrh, I’ve lived under this bridge since 1918”, protested Kluthol of Schenley Park. “‘Ow dare you come to get us!”

“It’s just not fair that you get all the credit for makin’ CMU students miserable wit’ your exams, when they’re already miserable to begin with! Yer no true troll, you!”

“How dare you! We’ll show you! This year’s finals will be the most miserable yet you filthy scumbag, you just see!”

So if your finals happen to be particularly bad, you can blame the trolls.