Thatcher Montgomery, Senior Oppressor
Anti-immigration fervor is nothing new in America, but for much of the past decade the nation sending the drugs, crime, and rapists (and some, I assume, good people) has been Mexico. Now, Mexican immigrants across the country are seeing some respite as the xenophobia has found a new target.
Despite being in wars in the Middle East at the same time, causing an awful ruckus and directly or indirectly helping with the displacement of a buncha civilians, America hasn’t really had an issue with immigrants from the region. Even in the past few years as other European nations have struggled with migrants, the United States has remained aloof. Probably because rafts struggle enough to make it across the Mediterranean, and the Atlantic is a bit larger pond.
However, with the attacks in Paris, patriotic Americans across the country have realized that not only are terrorists kinda shitty when they attack brown people, but they’re even shittier when they ruin your favorite vacation spot. And as Paris was targeted because it’s the capital of corruption, Las Vegas is surely on a list somewhere.
To save America’s own sin city, it must close its borders to anyone who might be a terrorist, the patriots say. And you know who could be a terrorists? Anyone from over there. If they’ve got brown skin and a beard, they’re probably a terrorist.
What does this mean? It means Syria is out, and Mexico is forgotten, because the brown people there aren’t known for their beards and turbans. Donald Trump took a break from shaking down Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto for his lunch money and started yelling something about Syrians. He was followed closely by Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, and the rest of the usual suspects.
“I noticed people stopped bothering so much in the past few days,” one Hispanic person said. “Well, I’m not even Mexican. My parents were from Puerto Rico, which is technically a part of the United States, but we all get called lazy fence-jumpers anyways. Not anymore, though.”
“It sucks, what happened in France. Instead of being treated like mierda though, now I get to listen to people complain about Syrians and how those Parisians shoulda had some guns or this whole thing wouldn’t have happened.”
Obama’s plan to bring Syrian immigrants to America has been faced with fierce opposition. At least 26 governors have voiced their displeasure and spoken out against refugees being housed in their states. However, border controls remain at the mercy of our commander in chief. Who knows, if Trump gets elected, maybe we’ll extort Bashar Al-Assad for a big-ass wall across the Atlantic.