Government Dysfunction Political Correspondent
Climate scientists were baffled last week as President Obama’s decision to reject the construction of the Keystone XL pipeline unexpectedly removed all greenhouse gases from Earth’s atmosphere.
Furthermore, analysis conducted at the nation’s power plants and factories confirmed that as a result of this decision, carbon dioxide is no longer a waste product of power generation, manufacturing, or any system involving the burning of fossil fuels, in defiance of our current understanding of chemistry. Environmentalists are celebrating the world over, secure in the knowledge that their years-long effort to prevent the construction of the Alberta-to-Texas pipeline has protected the planet from climate change for the foreseeable future.
Bill McKibben, head of the anti-Keystone XL group 350, released a statement in the wake of this victory:
“When we at 350.org told the nation that keeping the Keystone pipeline from being built was an incredibly important environmental prerogative, people scoffed. Some even said – get this! – that the Keystone fight was mostly symbolic, and that existence or nonexistence of the pipeline would have only a marginal effect on the environment one way or the other.
“Well, now the whole world can see what we’ve known here at 350 for years: canceling the pipeline would instantly solve our global warming crisis. It was that easy! We didn’t have to worry about fuel efficiency, or alternative energy, or even recycling! We just had to prevent Keystone from happening, and bam! Environment fixed!
“Oh, and by the way. If the President had allowed Keystone to go through? We’d all be dead by now, since the atmosphere would have become 100% carbon dioxide in a matter of seconds. Anyway, no need to thank us; we already know that we’re awesome.”
Seeing as President Obama has taken literally any action, there are, of course, dissenting voices. Senate Majority Leader and coal fetishist Mitch McConnell has harshly criticized the President on his decision, saying that by nixing Keystone, Obama has “doomed America’s economy unto a thousand years of torment, where it shall know only sorrow and worryingly high unemployment.”
Republican frontrunner (prolonged sigh) Donald Trump has also criticized the decision in a recent campaign appearance, in between saying something racist about immigrants and inviting an audience member to confirm that his hair is real.
At press time, President Obama pardoned several dozen prisoners convicted of low-level drug offenses, instantly ending America’s problems with mass incarceration and drug abuse.