Spencer Early, Ambulation Correspondent
Tired of sitting around for years, Scott Hall, the most technologically advanced building at CMU, became self aware over Halloween weekend.
According to the press release regarding Scott Hall’s features, “Even the building itself adapts to its environment. The building will be supported by hydraulic pistons that move ever so slightly with the expanding and contracting earth, harnessing otherwise wasted geomechanical energy. This energy harvesting system also works in reverse as an active stabilization system – in the unlikely event of an earthquake, Scott Hall’s supports expand and contract, virtually eliminating risk of damage.” Missing from the press release, however, was any mention of the joint project between the architects of Scott Hall and the Department of Machine Learning.
“We are experimenting with modeling human behaviour in buildings”, says Dr. Robert Morris. “When humans get bored, excited, angry, or any other emotion other than indifference, physical changes occur in their bodies.” Scott Hall has been given these abilities. When Scott Hall gets angry, the heating system is programmed to turn up, and when the building feels sad, the elevators can only go down. “But all of that is boring,” continued Morris, “so our team has decided to run an AI, fueled by human data, and the building decides what to do based on it’s surroundings.”
And that is precisely why Scott Hall got up and walked away.
Scott Hall noticed that it was Halloween weekend. It wanted to have fun too, rather that sit around and get pecked at by construction equipment as usual. As Saturday night turned into Sunday morning, Scott Hall had had enough.
Construction worker Rick Burton comments: “I was driving a forklift load of piping, when I heard an almost lifelike voice say ‘I quit!’ Then, the building started vibrating as it worked up the courage to move.” Then Scott Hall took its first steps, going behind Wean, approaching Gates. Gates, ecstatic to see the lifelike Scott, displayed a vibrant rainbow “Hello, World” to Scott Hall. Alarmed to see that there were other intelligent buildings, Scott Hall ran off into the sunset, hoping to never be seen again.
However, it was quickly wrangled back to campus by the civil and environmental engineering department. When asked to comment, Scott Hall described its plans to TA 15-112 and overthrow Subra Suresh to become the next university president.