Charles Li, 1910 Horse Race Announcer
Breaking news! Just this weekend, a CMU student managed to break the world record for slowest typing speed! This historic event took place late at night on November 1st, or more accurately, on November 2nd at 3 in the morning.
Ironically, the attempt was originally for the fastest typing speed. The task was simple. Fill in a 1000 word quota in just 1 hour! The strategy, to type everything that came to mind. However, due to interference with outside factors, and the very fact that nothing came to mind, nothing at all, the student unknowingly managed a typing speed that broke the world record! Amazing!
In 4 hours, lasting from 11PM on the 1st to 3AM on the 2nd, the student only wrote 60 words! We asked our scientists, and that is a dastardly slow 0.25 words per minute. For those of you who are not math-heads, that’s a quarter of a word every minute! At this rate, it would take exactly 2.7 full days to complete the quota. What a marvel!
This kind of slowness challenges even the cheetah. As we know, the cheetah is one of the slowest creatures in the animal kingdom, in terms of typing speed. This is all due to their specially developed brain and muscle structure, which prevents them from typing any coherent words.
We managed to get ahold of the famed writer today, in his dorm. However, we couldn’t get much info out of the athlete. Apparently, people passed out on the ground with their system saturated with junk foods are not very keen to talk. Not to worry, the student has recovered, and we were assured that every CMU student goes through this phase some time in their career. In fact, they look like this every Thursday night.
Keep your eyes on the calendar folks, because the student will be making another attempt this Thursday! This time, the stakes have been raised. It’s the final draft, and the student will most likely be racing against the clock once again. It will have to be an actual clock, because their internal clock is set to another time zone. This time: 940 words in an hour! Will he succeed? Or will he fail, leading to another inadvertent success in breaking the slowest typing speed? Dramatic cliffhanger!