Dylan Vrana, Scapegoat Correspondent
German automaker Volkswagen has been in hot water ever since revelations that they had cheated emissions standards, a move which may end in up to $18 billion in fines. And as you can imagine, VW’s Chief for North America is taking a lot of flak for the deception. Winfried Vahland, tapped to take over the position (three guesses as to why it’s currently vacant), instead chose to resign, ending his 25 year career with the company.
Not that you can blame him. “I wouldn’t want to be in his position right now,” said Christian Müller, a VW insider speaking to us on condition of anonymity. “There’s no way anyone in that job can come out looking good. Vahland would essentially have to sit in his office paying fines and making apologies. He’d be forever remembered as the man who was in charge while this company was hemorrhaging money and market share. Best to get out now with some excuse about how his wife doesn’t want to move.”
VW, recognizing that nobody in the company would touch responsibility for this job with a 10-foot pole, has decided to directly appoint staff to the position of Former Chief for North America. Magda Bodenheimer, formerly VP of Marketing, will be the first person to take this exciting new job. On accepting, she will immediately resign the company with a multi-million dollar severance package and no legal responsibilities for anything she did while at VW. Her plans after that are still up in the air, according to the official press release, but she will probably retire to the countryside and split her time between lucrative consulting work and writing a tell-all memoir about her time at VW called Like Smoke on the Wind or something.