Baggers Turn Tartan, Literally

R.K., Ridiculous Campus Incidents Correspondent

In an unfortunate twist that Carnegie Mellon’s administration clearly did not see coming, renaming Sleeping Bag Weekend has led to a series of strange and exacerbating incidents. According to multiple sources, prospective students who were visiting CMU under the renamed “Turn Tartan Overnight” program, left having turned tartan. Literally. In a case of what was either extremely ambitious human graffiti or high schoolers trying to show JUST how committed they are to CMU, at least three bagg-, sorry, prospective students, left the school covered in tartan patterned paint.

The first report came in when a very angry father wrote “an open letter to CMU” in which he berated numerous administrators on failing to prevent his son from being painted tartan. Now, readme is sympathetic towards this parent. Who wants their child to return from a school visit with a semi-permanent tattoo or a permanent tatto from Mystic Owl Tattoo on most of their body? However readme does have to question why writing an “open letter” would make his case any more serious. More importantly there are some important details missing from this letter. The father just states that “some person” was responsible for painting his son. While that level of detail may be appropriate in a CMU crime report, it’s not very helpful in figuring out who could be turning students tartan.

The case only became more puzzling when an image surfaced showing a young woman pretending to walk up the giant lightning rod near Forbes. She was wearing a kilt and CMU T-shirt, but on closer inspection it is clear that her skin has a similar coloration to her kilt. Considering how happy she appears and the caption with the photo, “showing my prospective Tartan pride”, readme can only surmise that the student turned herself plaid. Are these incidents even related then? Was one of them a copycat case? We can only wonder and wait to see if any more cases surface in the coming weeks.

As pressing as the question of why high schoolers are leaving the campus covered in tartan is, readme has a bigger question. Who thought that Sleeping Bag Weekend needed to be renamed? And what does “Turning Tartan Overnight” mean exactly? Should students being turning traitor on their high schools? Should they be getting full body tattoos? Or is this the administrations way of saying that if they really want to come here they need to actually turn into a tartan patterned piece of fabric? Perhaps this is similar to the administration renaming “mentors” as “ambassadors”. Clearly that change was meant to let people know that freshman, like foreign countries, are inherently different from other students, and only by speaking very carefully and not actually saying anything can any successful communication take place. Or at least that’s what readme thought it meant, but perhaps the administration will choose to weigh in on this.

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