CMU Students Colonize Pitt in Celebration of Columbus Day

Carnegie Columbus Brigade

Thatcher Montgomery, Senior Oppressor

“In the names of Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon, we hereby lay claim to this beautiful paradise,” a coalition of Carnegie Mellon students said after hoisting the Thistle Flag to the top of University of Pittsburgh’s Cathedral of Learning.

The CMU students have styled themselves as the “Carnegie-Columbus Brigade,” claiming to be explorers of uncharted lands in honor of Christopher Columbus.

While some see Columbus as a brave adventurer, others say he was just a racist invader. Attitudes are similarly split on the Brigade.

“We’re pushing boundaries, bringing intelligence and knowledge to the heathens that live beyond the borders of Carnegie Mellon. Some of the first-years weren’t sure anything even existed past Craig Street, but we fought onwards to discover a whole new world,” a senior official in the Brigade said.

One of the first-years spoke up sheepishly. “I originally thought it was just a suicide mission. The plan was to reach Google’s offices in Bakery Square, but instead of going East, we would travel West. It’s still counterintuitive, and I’m not sure we’ve actually made it where we wanted to go, but hey, there’s plenty of riches here, and the only inhabitants are filthy savages.

However, critics of the Brigade see the Thistle Flag in a different light. “It’s a symbol of CMU-centrism, of classism, of imperialism!” one protester shouted. A small group of CMU students had attempted to block the Brigade’s outing, but were unsuccessful.

“They might see the Pitt students as sub-human, but that’s not true! They may be less intelligent, but they’re no less human than we are. It’s not right to just lay claim over land that’s already owned by a people who live such idyllic lives.”

“The Brigade says they’re ‘educating’ and ‘enlightening’ the natives, but the only things they’re really exposing them to are smallpox and stress culture. It’s a tragedy,” another concerned student added.

Pitt seems to be largely unaffected by the Brigade. One student who was studying in the Cathedral at the time of the takeover had to be reminded of what had taken place. “Yeah, I guess I did notice some CMU students in here a while ago,” they finally said. “They were pretty obnoxious, talking about how they almost ran out of food on the way over and hadn’t slept in weeks. They tried to trade me a Dropbox t-shirt for my textbooks, which was a little weird. Then they trashed the place and complained about how messy Pitt kids are. Fucking ingrates. Anyways, I’ve got pre-med homework to do,” the student said meaningfully.

Another Panther mentioned that they had seen the Brigade as well, but didn’t take much time from their philosophy studies to see what they were doing.

“I mean, CMU students have to blow off steam somehow. I might get a little crazy, too, if I had tuition like that.”

As of press time, the Brigade had moved even further west and were attempting to bypass security in order to raise the Thistle Flag over PPG Place.

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