Substanceless Inanity 2016 Election Correspondent
In an unexpected development in the 2016 Republican primary race, the ghost of former President and current GOP object of worship Ronald Reagan has fallen to 12th in the polls, just behind irrelevant one-term senator Rick Santorum and equally irrelevant Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal. Polling at just four-tenths of a percent of likely Republican primary voters, the ghost of Reagan has fallen far short of expectations since entering the race in early June. Moreover, his fundraising efforts have been lackluster to say the least; in contrast to the tens of millions of dollars raised by more successful candidates, Reagan’s ghost has raised a paltry $1.5M, and his complete lack of any affiliated Super PACs has put him even further behind. Despite pretty much every Republican holding Reagan as one of the greatest Presidents, nay, men ever to walk upon this sinful Earth, he has somehow completely failed to gain traction. To explain this dichotomy, readme turned to longtime Republican strategist Joseph Plumber:
readme: Ronald Reagan is the most popular politician among Republicans in modern political history. How is it possible that he has so little support?
Plumber: Well, here’s his problem: It’s not Reagan himself that’s popular, it’s the idea of Reagan. Modern conservatives look back on his time in office as a period when conservatism’s star was ascendant, when they had a powerful ally in the White House who restored America to greatness after the malaise of the late 70s. What they forgot were his actual policies, which they’re now seeing again in the flesh (well, so to speak) in the candidacy of his ghost.
readme: What specifically are they objecting to? He seems pretty solidly conservative to me. In fact, his conservatism is the only thing about him that’s solid.
Plumber: Reagan’s ghost holds several positions that are anathema to today’s Republican party: compromise with Democrats as a solution to partisan gridlock, higher taxes when it makes economic sense, and most damningly of all a surprisingly lenient policy on undocumented immigrants. He even refuses to assert that America’s increased diversity and secularism has led to its decline, instead going on about this weird “Morning in America” thing.
readme: Is there any hope for Reagan’s ghost’s candidacy?
Plumber: Well, if he quickly and publicly veered hard to the right on taxes and immigration, maybe said something controversial about Mexicans or women or, even better, Mexican women, he just might be able to capture some media attention and gain a few percent in the polls. If he followed that up with a good performance in the third debate, who knows? He could be a frontrunner. But unless he does that, he’s a dead man. Reagan’s ghost is just too moderate for this Republican Party.
readme: Thank you for your time, Mr. Plumber, and make sure to say hi to Reagan’s ghost for me next time you’re near a Ouija Board.
At press time, Reagan’s ghost has dropped an additional tenth of a percent in the polls over a statement he has made claiming President Obama is a Christian who was born in the USA.