Mars Moves to DEFCON 2

A demonstration by the “Mars for Martians” political party
A demonstration by the “Mars for Martians” political party

Thatcher Montgomery, Mars Correspondent

Mars has moved to DEFCON 2 after learning that Earth became aware of the existence of water on the red planet’s surface. readme has the story.

“All cilia on deck! All cilia on deck!” a speaker blared somewhere in the depths of Mars. “Microbes assemble! This is not a drill, I repeat, this is not a drill!”

As the militia-microbes scurried about in emergency response mode, regular Martian citizens panicked. “I grabbed as much as I could and just headed deeper underground,” one confided to readme. “Some dumbfuck left the sprinklers on, and who knows the next time we’ll be allowed back up near the surface again.”

Mars was last at DEFCON 2 when the first Earth-born probes touched down on the planet in 1971. That crisis only lasted a few days, as both probes were quickly disabled, either during descent or shortly after landing.

“We realized that they just weren’t going to give up, though. Our teams of super-bacteria were enough to take out the early attempts, but the cost was too great to continue seek and destroy missions. We lost a lot of good microbes,” a Martian Army official said.

Instead of destroying all attempts at colonization, the Martians adopted a new strategy. “If we just played it cool, maybe the Earthlings would just pass us by. Jupiter’s way bigger than us, and throws better parties, anyways.”

Tensions have been strained between the blue and red planets ever since the Romans designated Mars as the god of war. Still, it wasn’t until telescopes became popular that life truly changed for the Martian people.

“Using their new technology, the stupid apes were able to see all of our canals. We had to undergo a massive infrastructure project to remove them all by the time telescopes were advanced enough to see any details. We even had to kill off all of our vegetation! Luckily, they fell for it, and blame their initial observations on poor instruments.”

Why do the Martians want so badly not to be found by Earthlings?

“Well, we don’t mind Earthlings. We’re quite good friends with the dolphins, actually. It’s just the humans. We hear terrible things about them.”

readme tried to convince the Martians that humans weren’t so bad, but was quickly cut off. “Do you even hear what you’re saying? Just look at your own pages! Humans are constantly screwing things up. We don’t want any part in that.”

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