Investigative Report: More Volkswagen Lies Revealed

“Yep, here’s another one. No wonder fire and brimstone levels were so high. Pass me some holy water, would you?”
“Yep, here’s another one. No wonder fire and brimstone levels were so high. Pass me some holy water, would you?”

Dylan Vrana, Austro-Hungarian Correspondent

In mid-September, the EPA revealed that German carmaker Volkswagen had been evading emissions regulations with their diesel cars. The fuel injection software in the cars was designed to detect when emissions were being monitored and switch to a fuel-inefficient but non-polluting injection pattern.

However, these lies are only the tip of the iceberg. An investigation by readme’s crack journalists revealed the shocking extent of Volkswagen’s deceit, revealed to the public for the first time here.

Several of Volkswagen’s economy SUVs do not, in fact, run on gasoline. Instead, the cars are powered by a demon bound to the engine block by dark rituals, violating the Marshall-Stevens Act of 1962. When Vatican regulators examined the cars for compliance, on-board software would raise the volume of the radio in order to drown out the otherworldly screaming.

And you know the commercial where there’s a car driving around in a desert and the driver goes into this sick drift and raises big dust clouds and then drives out of the cloud and right into the camera? That commercial, it turns out, was staged by Volkswagen’s marketing department and is not at all indicative of the normal experience of owning a VW car.

The Golf, VW’s premier compact car, is not a car at all. It is actually a repainted and non-street-legal golf cart which uses sophisticated facial recognition technology to detect when a regulator is looking at it. The car’s audio system then repeats the phrase “this is a car” over and over until the regulator is convinced of that fact. If the regulator gets too close, the cart throws out a cloud of money in order to distract them.

When asked how such basic measures were able to trick a major regulatory body, our contact in the EPA pretended he couldn’t speak English, hopped into his Ferrari, and drove away.

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