Government Dysfunction Political Correspondent
In a stunning turn of events, Speaker of the House and 24-year Republican Congressman from Ohio John Boehner was chased out of Capitol Hill Friday morning by the House Freedom Caucus.
Wielding pitchforks and lit torches, the 30-plus member caucus gathered on the National Mall at the crack of dawn to plan their assault against Boehner. Observers at the scene mentioned hearing caucus chairman Jim Jordan (R-OH) whipping up the group, saying that Boehner “[had] been in this town for too damn long!” and “Whaddya say, boys, innit time we got rid of ‘im?”
To cheers from the riled-up crowd of ultra-conservatives, Jordan read through a list of grievances he had written up against Speaker Boehner, including “not being from around these parts,” “eyein’ our women,” and “capitulating to President Obama’s and congressional Democrats’ demands without putting up a fight.”
Grumbling amongst themselves at the injustices of having to put up with a Speaker who was not completely unwilling to compromise on anything, the Freedom Caucus mob approached Capitol Hill at 9 AM sharp and prepared themselves for Boehner’s arrival.
Upon sighting Boehner about ten minutes later, Jordan yelled “There ‘e is, boys! Git ‘im!” and the mob was off. In what was described as “a whole mess of hootin’ and hollerin’”, they ran screaming after Boehner, who upon seeing the mob had immediately hightailed it outta there.
After being chased around DC for a solid half-hour, Boehner realized that the jig was up and that he’d better leave Congress for good. After a few well-placed “An’ stay out!”s and “That’s what you get for being insufficiently committed to defunding Planned Parenthood!”s, the House Freedom Caucus celebrated their victory by calling for yet another fruitless Obamacare repeal vote. At press time, the House Freedom Caucus ne’er-do-wells had encircled Majority Leader and likely successor Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), chanting “You’ll be next! You’ll be next!”