Questions Cut from the Democratic Debate

• I’m really interested in the Clinton Foundation, could you tell me more about the interview process?

• Senator Webb, Governor O’Malley, Governor Chafee, who the hell are you people?

• Governor Chafee, your word is: syzygy

• Which Fantastic Four film is your fav?

• If you had to fight 100 duck-sized…

• What do you think of my new haircut?

• In 20 double-spaced pages, please assess the factors contributing to the downfall of the Austro-Hungarian Empire

• Gov. Chafee, the last four years have been the best of my life. I don’t know how to ask this, but will you marry me?

• Gov. O’Malley, your rebuttal.

• If elected, how many babies do you plan to kill with all of the guns you take from us?

• BENGHAZI?!?!?

• Bernie Sanders, this question comes from Reddit. On a scale from amazing to amazing, how amazing would you describe yourself?

• Trump, Carson, Fiorina: FMK

• Can you ignore this question and pivot to your talking points?

• Governor Chafee, go home. Just… Just go home.

• If you were forced to kill a human being, how hard would that get you, Jim Webb?

• What would you do for a Klondike bar?

• Anyone know who that guy on the end is? How did you get in here?

• What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

SANDERS: You know it’s the 90% of swallows which are drastically overburdened. Only the top half of the top one percent of swallows are unburdened.
CLINTON: Well, I really think it’s time for a female swallow.
WEBB: Hey, hold on, you didn’t let me answer yet! It’s my tu-
O’MALLEY: You all talk about unladen swallows. But I actually am one.
CHAFEE: Look Ma! I’m on stage!
WEBB: I killed a swallow with my bare hands and ate it.

• Human life is an exercise in lifelong suffering until death, and all of our achievements are rendered meaningless in the face off the inevitable heat death of the universe. As president, what steps would you take to prevent this?

“The cat is either dead or alive if it’s 50% chance. But what if we made it a 99% v 1% chance? They would become fat cats. The other cats would form unions. What? I like cats a lot I guess. I’m Bernie sanders.” -Bernie Sanders

• What is your favorite flavor of pie?

SANDERS: You know the problem with the pie is that it’s not being shared equally! The top half of one percent are getting 90 percent of the pie!
CLINTON: You know, I can think of one kind of pie we haven’t tried yet…
O’MALLEY: You all can talk about pie, but I’ve actually made a pie. When I was in Maryland, we made our own pie.
COOPER: But it’s been alleged that there were only Black birds in that pie, isn’t that still a problem in Maryland?
O’MALLEY: Well-
CHAFEE: I like pie.
WEBB: A man once tried to take my pie. I liked him with my bare hands, and ate him along with the pie. And I’d do it again.

US Senate Actually Starting to Look Good by Comparison

by Mark Saporta, Government Dysfunction Political Correspondent

In a worrying development in American politics, the Senate has somehow become the branch of Congress that is more associated with bipartisanship and good governance. Thanks to the turmoil in the House of Representatives following Speaker of the House John Boehner’s resignation and Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy dropping out of the race to replace him, the body traditionally known for gratuitous filibustering, glacial legislative speed and incessant partisan bickering disguised as politeness has turned into a bastion of sanity in a legislative branch that seems to be falling apart. McCarthy’s accidental exposure of the House Benghazi Committee as a sham solely created to lower Hillary Clinton’s approval rating has also contributed to this stunning reversal. This has been borne out in a new poll released by the organization Definitely Real Polling showing that nearly four times as many Americans approve of how the Senate has been operating than approve of the House, bringing the Senate’s approval rating to nearly double digits.

In response to these developments, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and Minority Leader Harry Reid have issued a joint statement:

“We would like to sincerely thank the American people and especially the House of Representatives for our sudden spike in relative acceptability. You’d think that consistently putting partisan grandstanding over the good of the country would lead to people hating our guts, but hey, apparently the American body politic can spew out something even less productive than us. I mean, we have Ted Cruz! Ted Goddamn Cruz! I don’t know how we as a nation managed to do worse than him, but, you know what, gold fucking star everyone, we crushed it. Seriously, though, thanks for the support. This is the best news we’ve had since the lobbyists were here last Monday”.

readme was unable to reach Sen. Cruz for comment, but you know what, that’s probably for the best anyway.

At press time, the executive and judicial branches of the US government reportedly got together and agreed to pretend that Article I of the Constitution never actually happened.

Cold Weather Forces California Students to Wear Something Other Than Summer Clothes

The recent changes in temperature at CMU, while normal for Pittsburghers, have caused what is being called “a fucking ice age” for west coast students.  Normally at peace with the weather, Californians hold a rather lenient dress code.  However, the amount of skin that is left exposed to the air is far too great, and chills the body of the student thoroughly.  If the student cannot find a place to warm up, this cold could lead to hypothermia, lethargy, death, and worst of all, a drop in their grades.  Fortunately they have found a way to prevent this cold outcome, and that is by covering themselves with the ceremonial winter clothing of Pittsburgh.  However useful the new garments seem to be, they still conflict with the old ways of showing some skin, and letting the sun in.  Some students have isolated themselves in their dorms, standing around heaters wearing basketball shorts and shirts with “surfing est. 1846” on them.  Others, have tried to bear the weather without any protection.  This hasn’t gone well for them.

 

Other things Californians are not used to:

  • Free water fountains
  • Water, period
  • Every restaurant has FUCKING SANDWICHES
  • Every restaurant has regular sandwiches
  • White Christmas
  • Heaters
  • Haters
  • The phrase “stay warm”
  • Conspicuous lack of tens to hang

Volkswagen Appoints New Former Chief of North American Region

Dylan Vrana, Scapegoat Correspondent

German automaker Volkswagen has been in hot water ever since revelations that they had cheated emissions standards, a move which may end in up to $18 billion in fines. And as you can imagine, VW’s Chief for North America is taking a lot of flak for the deception. Winfried Vahland, tapped to take over the position (three guesses as to why it’s currently vacant), instead chose to resign, ending his 25 year career with the company.

Not that you can blame him. “I wouldn’t want to be in his position right now,” said Christian Müller, a VW insider speaking to us on condition of anonymity. “There’s no way anyone in that job can come out looking good. Vahland would essentially have to sit in his office paying fines and making apologies. He’d be forever remembered as the man who was in charge while this company was hemorrhaging money and market share. Best to get out now with some excuse about how his wife doesn’t want to move.”

VW, recognizing that nobody in the company would touch responsibility for this job with a 10-foot pole, has decided to directly appoint staff to the position of Former Chief for North America. Magda Bodenheimer, formerly VP of Marketing, will be the first person to take this exciting new job. On accepting, she will immediately resign the company with a multi-million dollar severance package and no legal responsibilities for anything she did while at VW. Her plans after that are still up in the air, according to the official press release, but she will probably retire to the countryside and split her time between lucrative consulting work and writing a tell-all memoir about her time at VW called Like Smoke on the Wind or something.

Baggers Turn Tartan, Literally

R.K., Ridiculous Campus Incidents Correspondent

In an unfortunate twist that Carnegie Mellon’s administration clearly did not see coming, renaming Sleeping Bag Weekend has led to a series of strange and exacerbating incidents. According to multiple sources, prospective students who were visiting CMU under the renamed “Turn Tartan Overnight” program, left having turned tartan. Literally. In a case of what was either extremely ambitious human graffiti or high schoolers trying to show JUST how committed they are to CMU, at least three bagg-, sorry, prospective students, left the school covered in tartan patterned paint.

The first report came in when a very angry father wrote “an open letter to CMU” in which he berated numerous administrators on failing to prevent his son from being painted tartan. Now, readme is sympathetic towards this parent. Who wants their child to return from a school visit with a semi-permanent tattoo on most of their body? However readme does have to question why writing an “open letter” would make his case any more serious. More importantly there are some important details missing from this letter. The father just states that “some person” was responsible for painting his son. While that level of detail may be appropriate in a CMU crime report, it’s not very helpful in figuring out who could be turning students tartan.

The case only became more puzzling when an image surfaced showing a young woman pretending to walk up the giant lightning rod near Forbes. She was wearing a kilt and CMU T-shirt, but on closer inspection it is clear that her skin has a similar coloration to her kilt. Considering how happy she appears and the caption with the photo, “showing my prospective Tartan pride”, readme can only surmise that the student turned herself plaid. Are these incidents even related then? Was one of them a copycat case? We can only wonder and wait to see if any more cases surface in the coming weeks.

As pressing as the question of why high schoolers are leaving the campus covered in tartan is, readme has a bigger question. Who thought that Sleeping Bag Weekend needed to be renamed? And what does “Turning Tartan Overnight” mean exactly? Should students being turning traitor on their high schools? Should they be getting full body tattoos? Or is this the administrations way of saying that if they really want to come here they need to actually turn into a tartan patterned piece of fabric? Perhaps this is similar to the administration renaming “mentors” as “ambassadors”. Clearly that change was meant to let people know that freshman, like foreign countries, are inherently different from other students, and only by speaking very carefully and not actually saying anything can any successful communication take place. Or at least that’s what readme thought it meant, but perhaps the administration will choose to weigh in on this.

CMU Students Colonize Pitt in Celebration of Columbus Day

Carnegie Columbus Brigade

Thatcher Montgomery, Senior Oppressor

“In the names of Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon, we hereby lay claim to this beautiful paradise,” a coalition of Carnegie Mellon students said after hoisting the Thistle Flag to the top of University of Pittsburgh’s Cathedral of Learning.

The CMU students have styled themselves as the “Carnegie-Columbus Brigade,” claiming to be explorers of uncharted lands in honor of Christopher Columbus.

While some see Columbus as a brave adventurer, others say he was just a racist invader. Attitudes are similarly split on the Brigade.

“We’re pushing boundaries, bringing intelligence and knowledge to the heathens that live beyond the borders of Carnegie Mellon. Some of the first-years weren’t sure anything even existed past Craig Street, but we fought onwards to discover a whole new world,” a senior official in the Brigade said.

One of the first-years spoke up sheepishly. “I originally thought it was just a suicide mission. The plan was to reach Google’s offices in Bakery Square, but instead of going East, we would travel West. It’s still counterintuitive, and I’m not sure we’ve actually made it where we wanted to go, but hey, there’s plenty of riches here, and the only inhabitants are filthy savages.

However, critics of the Brigade see the Thistle Flag in a different light. “It’s a symbol of CMU-centrism, of classism, of imperialism!” one protester shouted. A small group of CMU students had attempted to block the Brigade’s outing, but were unsuccessful.

“They might see the Pitt students as sub-human, but that’s not true! They may be less intelligent, but they’re no less human than we are. It’s not right to just lay claim over land that’s already owned by a people who live such idyllic lives.”

“The Brigade says they’re ‘educating’ and ‘enlightening’ the natives, but the only things they’re really exposing them to are smallpox and stress culture. It’s a tragedy,” another concerned student added.

Pitt seems to be largely unaffected by the Brigade. One student who was studying in the Cathedral at the time of the takeover had to be reminded of what had taken place. “Yeah, I guess I did notice some CMU students in here a while ago,” they finally said. “They were pretty obnoxious, talking about how they almost ran out of food on the way over and hadn’t slept in weeks. They tried to trade me a Dropbox t-shirt for my textbooks, which was a little weird. Then they trashed the place and complained about how messy Pitt kids are. Fucking ingrates. Anyways, I’ve got pre-med homework to do,” the student said meaningfully.

Another Panther mentioned that they had seen the Brigade as well, but didn’t take much time from their philosophy studies to see what they were doing.

“I mean, CMU students have to blow off steam somehow. I might get a little crazy, too, if I had tuition like that.”

As of press time, the Brigade had moved even further west and were attempting to bypass security in order to raise the Thistle Flag over PPG Place.

In Surprising Turn of Events, readme Wins ALL the Prizes

“Thank you, thank you, I’m here all night!”

“Thank you, thank you, I’m here all night!”

Thatcher Montgomery, Narcissism Correspondent

It’s the time of the year again when we honor the memory of Alfred Nobel, a man who was convinced to do better by seeing an accidental obituary for himself that berated him for inventing dynamite. The result of this epiphany are the Nobel Prizes. readme is happy to say that it is this year’s winner of the Nobel Prizes.

“Hey, congratulations!” you might exclaim. “Which prize?” you might ask. Not to brag, but that would be all of them. readme excels in every area able to be excelled at. No matter what task is at hand, readme has a tool for the job.

“Even medicine?” Yes, of course. Haven’t you heard? Laughter is the best medicine, and who or what produces more laughter than readme? Nothing. readme is the epitome of laughter.

“Okay, but what about economics?” First of all, the prize in economics is technically only the Nobel Memorial Prize, created more than 50 years after Alfred Nobel’s death. But even so, readme won that one too. You see, readme’s pricing of “free” and “$3” is such a revolutionary scheme that it is disrupting markets around the globe.

“Literature?” Do you even have to ask? What are you doing right now? That’s right, reading. And what would you rather be reading than readme. Case closed.

“All the others?” Yeah, those too. Whatever other prizes there are to be won, readme won them.

Don’t you feel a warm fuzzy glow for having such a highly-regarded, well-esteemed, internationally-recognized, super-awesome publication like readme on campus? Well, we at readme know we sure do.

Florida Man Does [Outrageous Action]

Fill in the blurry object Florida man proffers!

Fill in the blurry object Florida man proffers!

Dylan Vrana, Mad Libs Correspondent

Last Wednesday in Broward County, Florida, the police were called to the trailer of local man Nathan Lee-Davis. After his neighbors complained about his [untrained exotic pet], Davis became agitated and violent, and, while wearing only [article of women’s clothing], attacked them with an [unlikely bladed weapon].

Davis drove the two back to their trailer, where they held him at bay with their pet [large, aggressive breed of dog] and a [Nazi-made pistol] from their collection long enough to call the police.

When the police arrived, Davis claimed to be the reincarnation of [ancient Egyptian god] and rushed at the cops armed only with [food item]. He was easily subdued and arrested. Drug tests reveal that he had meth, [dangerous street drug], and [prescription painkiller] in his system at the time. A search of his house revealed piles of poached [endangered animal] skins and katanas.

Davis has since claimed that the arrest infringed on his natural rights. He is suing the county for [big number] dollars.

What/Where Will Matt Damon be Saved From Next?

matt damon

• Himself

• Gates Helix

• Bowser’s castle, specifically the eighth one

• Bob Brady’s curio cabinet

• His views on whether actors should be openly queer

• Nowhere; next time we’re just gonna leave him in space

• A long, slow slide into obscurity

• Ben Affleck

• Scaife