Canadian Economy Sluggish as Syrup on Cold Day

A test of the Moose Early Warning System
A test of the Moose Early Warning System

Dylan Vrana, South Pole Correspondent


It’s no secret that the Canadian economy is in dire straits. It officially entered a recession in the first half of this year, following price slumps in major Canadian exports. The economy has, understandably, become a major topic of debate for candidates in the upcoming Canadian federal election. In order to help our vast Canadian readership better understand the various proposals, readme send a correspondent to talk with the candidates.

The sitting Prime Minister, currently running for his fourth term, is Stephen Harper of the Conservatives. Harper holds that the current furor over the economy is exaggerated, and this is just a small downturn in the midst of growth. “From the way people are talking, you’d think the sky was falling. But this is really just a minor fluctuation in the economy. Scarcely worthy of attention. You should trust your government to do what’s right.” Unbidden, he continued, staring directly into our correspondent’s eyes. “And these fools want to change. They don’t understand what we’ve accomplished. What we’ve given up for the people. Just a few more years, and the Wall will be built and the White Walkers will be driven into the icy north. And who accomplished that. Me! ME! ME!”

Justin Trudeau, the Liberal candidate, stated his position at a much lower volume. “The economy is in a serious downturn, and Harper’s myopia will only make things worse. The government needs to start spending on infrastructure to stimulate the economy. I suggest finally finishing the long-delayed Moose Early Warning System. This project will create thousands of jobs and bring a new measure of security to the Canadian people.”

Tom Mulcair of the New Democrats disagrees with the Liberals’ fondness for deficit spending. “We need to finance our spending somehow. Earlier this year, I proposed removing the exorbitant tax breaks given to the maple syrup industry. The fact that these exceptions in our laws still exist is the worst sort of cronyism and indicative of just how in bed Harper is with Big Syrup.”

Canada’s minor parties have their own offbeat solutions to the problem. The Libertarians are not running a PM candidate this election, but they hold that poor monetary policy is the root problem. “The Canadian dollar is devaluing rapidly,” said a spokesman. “We allow the government to simply print money. This wouldn’t have happened if we were still on the moose standard.”

Perhaps the only candidate not directly offering a solution to the economic woes is Gilles Duceppe of the Quebec separatist party Bloc Québécois. “I don’t care what happens to the Canadian economy, I just want to get Quebec out of Canada. These people are insane. Is there anyone who wants to annex some territory?”

“Anyone but America, I mean,” he added. “Anything but that.”

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