New Australian Prime Minister, readme has the Scoop

The national headgear since 1864, cork hats are commonly seen on tourists in Australia

The national headgear since 1864, cork hats are commonly seen on tourists in Australia

Things are weird in Australia. I mean, there’s the ridiculous(-ly sexy) accent, all the animals want to kill you, everyone will offer you vegemite sandwiches, and they all wear cork hats (to keep away the killer flies).

Now, however, they’ve outdone themselves. Even for a former penal colony, this latest development is an outrageous political play. In a stunning move, Malcolm Turnbull ousted former prime minister Tony Abbott in an intra-party dispute. Turnbull will be Australia’s fourth prime minister since 2013.

Here are some of the ingenious moves made by Turnbull to seize control of the outback (why he wanted to do that, we don’t know):

• Invoked rule 34B, which states that defeating a kangaroo in single combat will guarantee the victor the right to billabong.

• Took advantage of the “Crikey!” doctrine, which states that deadly animals (remember, that’s all of them) are eligible to run for office if they are properly identified and brought under control in less than a minute after sighting.

• Voted in favor of Animal Planet, Mad Max, and didgeridoos—Australia’s three main exports—to curry favor within his party.

• Applied the Penal Code of 1772 to dole out ten lashes to any who stood in his way.

• Tried to act in a moderate, prime ministery-manner, including acknowledging climate change and supporting same-sex marriage.

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