Professors Move Finals to Second Week

According to an email sent out to CMU students this past week, a number of professors from various departments have decided to move up their final exams. Instead of following the usual course schedule, these professors are making CMU history by re-scheduling their finals to the second week of classes. readme contacted a number of these revolutionaries in order to better understand what was taking place.

Instructor Smith, who teaches a section of Interpretation and Argument, says her decision was based off the fact that “if these brat—I mean young people—can’t write an essay now, then there is no hope for them 12 weeks from now.” readme thought this was a good point, but then had a question. Wasn’t it Instructor Smith’s job to teach students to write a better essay? “Oh that’s what everyone says, but these students had years to figure it out. This is college, not the SATs.”

readme hoped that it would have better luck interviewing a member of the statistics department, Professor John. When asked why he made such a drastic change to the syllabus, the professor began to tear up, and said that he felt he had no choice. “Students these days, I don’t know what to do with them! They are either asleep, on Facebook, or posting pictures of sleeping students on Facebook! I’m not sure they even know what class they’re in…”

After that dismal meeting, readme was becoming convinced that CMU professors had given up. Still, there was a chance maybe one of the professors had a legitimate reason to have their finals early. The last professor wished to remain anonymous, but eventually won readme over. She said that she moved the exams up so that she could stop coming in for her 8 AM class three times a week. Again, readme pointed out that teaching is her job, to which she angrily responded that she had never seen any of her students. “They just don’t come to class! Ever! I’m supposed to have 50 students, but I’m starting to think they don’t exist. Do you know what it feels like to lecture a bunch of chairs? Chairs don’t give two shits about history!” readme thought to itself, “neither do the students,” but decided not to share.

readme is forced to conclude that perhaps classes are simply obsolete. if no one is paying attention or going to classes, why do they even bother existing? However, since it was coming up on a holiday weekend, readme decided it didn’t have time for existential questions and has given up trying to understand anything. Instead, it went to parties (see Students Enjoy Three-Day Weekend, above).

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