The president shouldn’t be…

Ben Carson recently said the president shouldn’t be a Muslim, because Islam isn’t consistent with the Constitution. readme asks, what else shouldn’t the president be?

• A baby

• Aware of their surroundings

• Cruel to a heart that’s true

• A fascist, communist Kenyan who hates America

• Honest

• Someone who has ever uttered “Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan”

• A dog wearing a hat

• Donald Trump

• British

• A Zoroastrian (someone needs to take them down a peg)

• Alexis Tsipras

• Three ducks in a person costume

• Three people in a duck costume

• A member of team rocket

• Someone who’s heart isn’t in the work

• A Dalek

• A Mudblood

• Afraid of the dark

• Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

• Zombie Hitler

• Self-aware

• Not a member of readme

• A vampire hunter

• Ben Carson

Canadian Economy Sluggish as Syrup on Cold Day

A test of the Moose Early Warning System

A test of the Moose Early Warning System

Dylan Vrana, South Pole Correspondent

 

It’s no secret that the Canadian economy is in dire straits. It officially entered a recession in the first half of this year, following price slumps in major Canadian exports. The economy has, understandably, become a major topic of debate for candidates in the upcoming Canadian federal election. In order to help our vast Canadian readership better understand the various proposals, readme send a correspondent to talk with the candidates.

The sitting Prime Minister, currently running for his fourth term, is Stephen Harper of the Conservatives. Harper holds that the current furor over the economy is exaggerated, and this is just a small downturn in the midst of growth. “From the way people are talking, you’d think the sky was falling. But this is really just a minor fluctuation in the economy. Scarcely worthy of attention. You should trust your government to do what’s right.” Unbidden, he continued, staring directly into our correspondent’s eyes. “And these fools want to change. They don’t understand what we’ve accomplished. What we’ve given up for the people. Just a few more years, and the Wall will be built and the White Walkers will be driven into the icy north. And who accomplished that. Me! ME! ME!”

Justin Trudeau, the Liberal candidate, stated his position at a much lower volume. “The economy is in a serious downturn, and Harper’s myopia will only make things worse. The government needs to start spending on infrastructure to stimulate the economy. I suggest finally finishing the long-delayed Moose Early Warning System. This project will create thousands of jobs and bring a new measure of security to the Canadian people.”

Tom Mulcair of the New Democrats disagrees with the Liberals’ fondness for deficit spending. “We need to finance our spending somehow. Earlier this year, I proposed removing the exorbitant tax breaks given to the maple syrup industry. The fact that these exceptions in our laws still exist is the worst sort of cronyism and indicative of just how in bed Harper is with Big Syrup.”

Canada’s minor parties have their own offbeat solutions to the problem. The Libertarians are not running a PM candidate this election, but they hold that poor monetary policy is the root problem. “The Canadian dollar is devaluing rapidly,” said a spokesman. “We allow the government to simply print money. This wouldn’t have happened if we were still on the moose standard.”

Perhaps the only candidate not directly offering a solution to the economic woes is Gilles Duceppe of the Quebec separatist party Bloc Québécois. “I don’t care what happens to the Canadian economy, I just want to get Quebec out of Canada. These people are insane. Is there anyone who wants to annex some territory?”

“Anyone but America, I mean,” he added. “Anything but that.”

Americans Prep for Annual Gov Shutdown

Mark Saporta, Government Dysfunction Political Correspondent

In what is becoming an annual event, Americans across the nation are preparing to celebrate Government Shutdown Eve this Wednesday, September 30. As always, American families will gather together, throw a party, and watch in awe as their government can’t get its shit together long enough to fund itself. Now that America has entered its fifth consecutive year with one or more major funding issues deferred until the absolute latest point possible and then hastily “solved” (usually by being deferred some more, somehow), many families have begun to adopt traditions that they follow every Government Shutdown Eve. As a special holiday column, readme’s political correspondent decided to look into how observers celebrate the occasion and found three traditions shared by almost everyone:

  1. The ritual sparring match between the eldest unmarried men of an extended family, representing the eternal partisan bickering between the two parties. One man’s face is painted blue to represent the Democrats and the other’s is red for the Republicans. Like the Congressional debate itself, the match is long, arduous, and above all, kind of depressing to watch, and the outcome of the bout is seen as an omen for which party will be saddled with the blame for this particular tedious and completely avoidable crisis.
  2. The reading aloud of the US tax code at the dinner table. Since tradition holds that the entire 70,000+ page tax code must be read before anyone is allowed to eat, guests quickly become restless, hungry, and discontent, and are rarely able to eat before the holiday ends at midnight (or whenever the Senate finally concludes its last-minute compromise talks). In fact, only one instance of successfully reading the entire tax code in anything resembling a timely manner has been recorded, and that was by a professional speedreader who collapsed in exhaustion immediately after reading the final exemption.
  3. The Two Minutes’ Sadness. At the commencement of holidaymaking, all participants are invited to take two minutes to contemplate sadly how our nation’s great democratic experiment has devolved into a mess of hyperpartisan gamesmanship at the expense of good governance. At the end of the two minutes, everyone gives a loud and protracted sigh, and only then can festivities truly begin.

And with that, readme’s political correspondent would like to wish you an unhappy Government Shutdown Eve and a disenchanting New Fiscal Year.

Uber Self-Driving Car Absconds from EOC with Full Load of Professors

Thatcher Montgomery, career-change correspondent

 

While many students were oohing and aahing over large companies like Facebook or Google at the EOC and TOC, another group was getting a different kind of attention.

Behind the CUC, a low sedan, covered in instruments, crawled along the pavement. Students and staff alike shuffled aside to avoid it, only glancing at it in quickly before moving away. The car rolled to a stop, all four doors swinging open, to reveal an empty interior.

“Hi! Do you want to learn more about Uber?” Out of nowhere, a smiling representative accosted readme. After retreating to a safe vantage point on the other side of the tennis courts, readme settled down to watch the Uber self-driving car and its eerily cheerful human-car translator.

Some passers-by shunned the whole thing; others made eye contact before crossing themselves and hurrying off. Still others approached to toss a résumé into the gaping maw of the empty driver’s seat.

Some even enthusiastically chattered with the car (via the human interface). With ninja-like skills, readme crept closer to eavesdrop on their conversations.

“Uber is so great! Your business strategies come up a lot on my classes,” said a student wearing a Tepper t-shirt. “Only good things, I hope,” the human replied after cocking his head towards the car for a moment. “Oh, sure,” the student laughed while handing over his résumé. “Make sure you notice my experience in crushing competition and making shady deals.”

Students weren’t the only ones visiting with Uber—professors stopped by, too. One of them spoke to readme on condition of anonymity: “I heard the pay at Uber is great, and that they were looking to hire CMU profs. I’ve got a family, you know, so an undisclosed pay raise would really help out. Unfortunately, they weren’t interested in a trombone teacher.”

Over the course of the afternoon, a few of the professors stepped into the car and never came out. A firm handshake, accompanied by the exchange of numerous small slips of green paper that readme couldn’t quite make out, usually occurred before the faculty member entered the vehicle.

It was getting late, and the Uber was almost full, when readme noticed a philosophy professor approaching. In a tweed jacket with elbow patches, carrying a pipe in one hand and Kant’s Groundwork of the Metaphysics of Morals in the other, the academic made his way to the car and the visibly nervous (but still smiling) translator. “Cheerio, good fellows! Are you interested in an ethics professor, perchance?”

“Dear God, no,” the Uber translator muttered, dropping the smile. “I don’t care if I get terminated, we gotta get out of here.” Hopping onto the sentient sedan’s back, the car-human duo screeched into the distance with their bounty of CMU professors safely inside.

Schrödinger’s Dick Stumps Court

The Schrödinger’s Paradox: You don’t know if the dick belongs to a minor or an adult until you open the box

The Schrödinger’s Paradox: You don’t know if the dick belongs to a minor or an adult until you open the box

Thatcher Montgomery, senior pornography correspondent

Now, readme doesn’t support child pornography in any way, shape, or form. But in a North Carolina courtroom, the line between child and adult is blurred. A 17-year-old is being charged as an adult for possessing nude photos of a minor. The minor in question? Himself. How can someone be charged as an adult for being a child? readme was determined to find out.

“We hypothesize that it’s an unusual state of superposition, where the individual is simultaneously a minor and an adult,” subatomic pornologist Aleck Mycock said. “When the waveform collapses we’ll be able to tell which is the true position, but that won’t happen for at least another year. Almost universally, when a person’s location in space-time hits its 18th pass around the sun, they are observed to be an adult.” readme nodded sagely.

Another expert seemed to get caught up in minor details. “We can know the girth of the penis or the length of the penis, but never both at the same time!” Dr. Jenny Talya exclaimed, referencing the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.

Hopefully, the man-child won’t be scarred for life through this ordeal. “If I’m not allowed to take pictures of my willie, who else is gonna do it?”

How to Avoid Doing Your Homework

• Take so many classes that you are constantly in class and have no time to do homework.

• Alternatively, take no classes. Drop out of school.

• Hire a dog to eat your homework.

• Cry.

• Play all the Sporcle history quizzes as review for your history test.

• Pull a Van Winkle and sleep for 30 years.

• Join readme.

• Cover your roommate’s abstract notion of self with Post-it notes.

• Discuss stress culture on Overheard.

• Alternatively, “overhear” something and count Likes.

• Do the math and find out exactly how much money you’re going into debt in order to not complete this particular assignment.

• Do your homework. Note: this only works for (reverse) psychology classes.

• Nah, I’m still sticking with Cry.

• Just one more game of League, but you can’t stop on a loss, and if you win you might be on a hot streak, sooo…

• Come up with a list of ways to avoid doing homework

Even More Obscure GOP Gov Joins Primary Race

Ever seen this guy before? Nope, didn’t think so. You from Montana, put your hand down.

Ever seen this guy before? Nope, didn’t think so. You from Montana, put your hand down.

Former Montana governor Marc Racicot announced his surprise entry into the Republican primary this morning. The governor of Montana from 1993 to 2001, Racicot made a name for himself in pretty much no way whatsoever. Racicot is anti-tax, pro-life, opposed to the Iran nuclear deal, supportive of an aggressive foreign policy, and strongly critical of the Obama Administration, a policy profile so similar to that of pretty much every other candidate running that it’s almost not worth mentioning. Even though the race already has a historic number of candidates competing for the nomination—Racicot’s entrance brings the total up to 18—Racicot’s press secretary (also his fundraising team, his policy workshop, his speechwriter, and his best friend Greg) assured our political correspondent that he has a realistic shot at the nomination.

readme: So, why did Gov. Racicot decide to enter the race?

Greg: Well, he saw how well [former New York Gov. George] Pataki and [former Virginia Gov. Jim] Gilmore were doing and thought, “Hey, I’m at least as much of a Republican governor who hasn’t held office for 15 years as these guys, I may as well take a crack at it too!”

readme: Is Gov. Racicot aware of the fact that Pataki and Gilmore are both polling under one percent?

Greg: I’ll admit that their polling leads may seem insurmountable right now, but we’re confident that once our operations really get into gear we’ll surpass them in no time.

readme: How is Gov. Racicot planning to fund his campaign?

Greg: With his personal Super-PAC funded almost exclusively by one super-wealthy business magnate, obviously. Is this even a question?

readme: Last question. How is Gov. Racicot going to take on the Trump Train?

Greg: Well, Marc’s going to physically destroy his cell phone in a variety of amusing ways. That worked out pretty well for Lindsey Graham, and it’ll work for us too.

Eds. note: Graham is currently polling 15th.

readme: Thank you for your time, and good luck. Seriously man, good, great, amazing, one-in-a-million, getting-struck-by-lightning-while-holding-a-winning-lottery-ticket luck.

Gov. Racicot plans to hold his first campaign event in Helena, Montana’s capital, where a crowd of nearly double-digits is expected. It remains to be seen whether he can parlay his complete lack of name recognition into dropping out of the race in March instead of December.

100s Misled by readme, Chaos Ensues

Last week readme followed in the footsteps of many eminent news sources by distributing incorrect information to its trusting readers. In printing a calendar of upcoming events, readme wrongly stated that Daniel Ellsworth and the Great Lakes would hold a performance in CUC Danforth. readme would like to apologize to its faithful readers for this error, particularly since the event was hosted by AB Underground (the underline is provided free of charge for further emphasis). Not only is the location literally in the name, but readme’s sole original purpose was to publicize Activities Board events.

However, readme became especially concerned when it found out that hundreds of fans showed up to CUC Danforth last Thursday, only to find out that they had been misled. Early on, things seemed pretty normal. While there was no set for the band, an eyewitness told readme that “people just thought things were running a bit behind. But then it was like a half hour behind, and it started to seem kind of weird.” Around 8, people started to get antsy, and after some furious texts between Dansforth and the Underground, things started to get a little crazy.

The first sign of the oncoming chaos, according to another student who witnessed the event, was the chanting of the band’s name. Other students, worried for their safety, created a fort made from tables and chairs in Danforth. As they huddled behind the dubious protection of the fort, other students began to frantically call CMU Police. readme spoke to a member of the CMU Police who confirmed that they received “numerous calls of an alarming nature regarding the Danforth lounge. Police responded to these calls and ascertained that there was in fact a situation which required a comprehensive response.” When readme asked what exactly was involved in a “comprehensive response,” the interview abruptly ended.

By the time the police began to arrive, a short 60 seconds later, complete chaos reigned in the lounge—according to eyewitnesses, of course. The fort was demolished and students were wandering around in various states of shock. While the situation sounded quite serious, readme was reassured that victims of the anarchy were provided with hot chocolate, and many of them were still able to walk over to the Underground to catch some of the band’s act.

readme likes to think of this as a cautionary tale. The popularity of a certain group can, in fact, be too great. If readme was not quite so popular, surely this unfortunate tragedy would never have happened in the first place. “With great power comes great responsibility,” and readme failed to be responsible with its calendar. Although, it was pretty entertaining to watch the fuss. Or so readme hears. From eyewitness accounts.

New Australian Prime Minister, readme has the Scoop

The national headgear since 1864, cork hats are commonly seen on tourists in Australia

The national headgear since 1864, cork hats are commonly seen on tourists in Australia

Things are weird in Australia. I mean, there’s the ridiculous(-ly sexy) accent, all the animals want to kill you, everyone will offer you vegemite sandwiches, and they all wear cork hats (to keep away the killer flies).

Now, however, they’ve outdone themselves. Even for a former penal colony, this latest development is an outrageous political play. In a stunning move, Malcolm Turnbull ousted former prime minister Tony Abbott in an intra-party dispute. Turnbull will be Australia’s fourth prime minister since 2013.

Here are some of the ingenious moves made by Turnbull to seize control of the outback (why he wanted to do that, we don’t know):

• Invoked rule 34B, which states that defeating a kangaroo in single combat will guarantee the victor the right to billabong.

• Took advantage of the “Crikey!” doctrine, which states that deadly animals (remember, that’s all of them) are eligible to run for office if they are properly identified and brought under control in less than a minute after sighting.

• Voted in favor of Animal Planet, Mad Max, and didgeridoos—Australia’s three main exports—to curry favor within his party.

• Applied the Penal Code of 1772 to dole out ten lashes to any who stood in his way.

• Tried to act in a moderate, prime ministery-manner, including acknowledging climate change and supporting same-sex marriage.

Parenting Fad “Walligraphy” Sweeps the Nation

”Lucy, when are you going to grow up and do your homework on the wall?”

“Lucy, when are you going to grow up and do your homework on the wall?”

When raising a child, it’s often difficult to know when to say yes and when to say no. Many times, it may seem impossible to do the right thing. We all want our kids to enjoy their childhood, but we also worry about their future. For those of you out there who can’t seem to catch a break, worry no more. The next time you see your kid start scribbling on the wall — don’t stop them. If you can do this, congrats! Your child will automatically be added to the waitlist for colleges like CMU!

“Walligraphy”, as the practice is called, is the parenting style sweeping the nation. Most parents who partake in the unconventional and controversial learning method are attempting to mimic the environment found at respectable institutions like CMU and Google. Related parenting techniques include never making your kid take off their pajamas, setting bedtime at 3 in the morning, encouraging procrastination, and providing free food and swag to entice other children to come to events.

One happy parent says: “Oh! My kids don’t use paper anymore. Instead, I let them do their work on chunks of drywall coated in whiteboard paint. Older parents question my methods sometimes, but honestly, I don’t even care. They can get their kids to use prehistoric chalk however long they want. Erasable markers are a product of the future.”

Their kid says: “My room has a filter ever since I overdosed on marker fumes.”