“Glad I Came Here,” Insists Freshman

Sunday, Carnegie Mellon campus swarmed with new freshmen leaving home for the first time. As the child prodigies descended upon the campus en masse, reporters from around the country struggled to gain rare interview with the young geniuses. It was only recently that readme managed to score one of these exclusive interviews with a new student, who wishes to remain anonymous. Read the transcript below.


readme: Thank you for meeting me today. I know you had to miss your discussion of “The Last Lecture” to be here. It’s a great honor.


Student: No problem.


readme: So, my first question is, why did you choose CMU?


Student: Well, let me start by saying, I’m really glad I came here. It was between this and Yale. I really could have gone to either, but then Yale… Didn’t work out.


readme: Okay… To clarify, you chose CMU because…?


Student: The people here are just so interesting! I think that’s why I came here instead. I really didn’t like my interview at Yale. I had nothing to say to the interviewer. My scores were good enough, so I don’t see why else…


readme: Um… are you saying you came here because you didn’t get in anywhere else?


Student: Of course I got into other schools! My parents really wanted me to go to Liberty because I got a full ride there, but it just seemed too pretentious, you know?


readme: But you didn’t get into any other top schools?


Student: I mean, I’m sure I could’ve gotten into Duke if I wanted to accept the waitlist spot. I think it was a mistake anyway. I should have been accepted. I mean, both my parents went there and my SAT scores were good. But I really thought CMU was the place to be. I’m so glad I came here.


readme: So you’re not sore at all about being rejected from Yale?


Student: No, I’m just so happy to be here instead. Those pompous assholes wouldn’t have been right for me anyway.


readme: Well, I’ll have to cut you off there, because that’s all we have time for today.


Student: Great. Uh… can you cut out the part where I bragged about being Salutatorian and cursed the SAT graders for not liking my essay even though all my English teachers think I’m a great writer?


readme: Sure, I’ll leave that out.

Student Becomes Friends with Entire Class at Playfair

According to first-year In-Cert Naem, Playfair will undoubtedly be the highlight of her entire year. Naem was happy to report that she was only trampled twice and lost only one shoe and $40 cash. And her smart phone. And her orientation wristband, which meant she couldn’t eat the rest of the week.


More importantly, she was able to make hundreds of new friends in the course of a couple of hours thanks to the antics at Playfair. Naem said that she not only remembers the name of every student she met, but that she felt that she had a unique bond with each and every one. “Oh, I’m sure John and I will get along so well,” Naem exclaimed. “Seeing as we both have a brother and have been out of the country. Unfortunately, he’s the older sibling and I’m the younger, so we couldn’t count that as being in common. I hope it doesn’t throw a wrench in our friendship.”


Activities such as exchanging germs via endless high-fives and becoming the champion of rock-paper-scissors were instrumental in allowing her to form these deep and lasting bonds. “Ahhh, Timmy was the best at rock-paper-scissors. Er, maybe it was Jimmy. I couldn’t really understand his name when everyone was shouting it, but that’s okay. He beat me in the third round.” readme declined to hear a play-by-play of Naem’s rock-paper-scissors.


“And then there was Katherine, who went to a high school that competed against my brother’s boarding school! We’re so connected, it’s weird.” At this point we at readme became a bit skeptical. Surely Naem was exaggerating her capacity for remembering names.


“Oh no, I’m practically friends with the whole first-year class now.” Trying to break it to her easy, we pointed out to Naem that she couldn’t possibly be friends with her whole class, since only about half of the students were at Playfair. At this point Name ran off in tears, apparently panicking about missed friendship opportunities.
“If I don’t make friends now, who will I sit with for lunch on the first day of classsessss…!”

Welcome to Carnegie Mellon, You Fucking Nerds

Well, well, well, what have we here. Another year, another class of incoming students. readme has awakened from its long summer nap and is ready to once again spew satire across campus.

If you think you can handle the truth, continue on and read what lies ahead. If you think you can make up the truth, then you’re right—consider joining readme at the next opportunity. We’ll be at the activities fair on Wednesday, September 9th, 4:30 to 6:30. Look to the bear hats.

Until then, enjoy your first few weeks as a college student. You should definitely check out Casino Night on Thursday, the comedy show on Friday, and the free movie in McConomy on Saturday. Those are all put on by the second-best organization on campus, the Activities Board (AB). Full disclosure, the best organization on campus (readme, of course) is part of AB.