The Sad Thing Is, This Isn’t That Far Off.

Last week, financial reports for the second quarter of 2015  have been released to the general public. Prison pioneers, the Corrections Corporation of America  report that profits totaled $675 million, a whopping 30.5% increase from profits from the 2014 quarters. Financial strategists at the corporation attribute their growh to the increase in their black demographic over the past year.

“Back in 2013, we rolled out a new program called Racism,” said Corrections Corp. CEO, Ron Haverford. “It is actually a corporate mindset where individual branches race against each other to put innocent people in prison, hence the word, racism. It does not have anything to do with stereotyping or prejudice despite the fact that we incarcerate 75% more black inmates than white ones. That’s just a coincidence.”

Following the unspoken alliance with the police department in 2013, profits for the prison system has been steadily increasing. Select police force members across the nation have been ramping up their stoppages, seizures, and arrests of black citizens, culminating in the successful deal that many has come to know as Ferguson. The event has inspired many others to double their efforts in racism.

Local police chief Gary Swanson said, “The reason we are doing so well is because we finally shifted our focus to serve our black customers better. We go to great lengths to ensure their incarceration. We spend more of our efforts catching black customers than catching white customers who commit the same crimes. Sometimes, we make up crimes that they did not commit so that we can incarcerate them anyways.”

The initiative has been met with opposition. As one native said, “That’s actually illegal.”

The rise in arrests have ultimately been met with enthusiasm from the police force. Earlier last year, officer Daniel Pantaleo placed Eric Garner in an illegal chokehold, causing a fatal asthmatic reaction. Garner later died on scene. Pantaleo was later rewarded by having all his charges dropped.

The Corrections Corp. have been looking further into the future as well. As their 7-year plan release date approaches, a representative offered a few clues to their direction. He explained that the corporation is currently drafting up plans to expand across the country and solidify their position among the A-list of chain franchises.

“There’s an emphasis on the word chain,” said spokesman Tom Gergich. “It brings our great country together just like how it binds our prisoners’ wrists together.”

Pittsburgh High Schoolers Decide to be the Worst.

On April 17, LGBTQ advocacy groups across the country participated in the annual “Day of Silence”, an event designed to call attention to the bullying and harassment faced by LBGTQ individuals with a campaign of peaceful demonstration. In response, a group of Pittsburgh high schools started their own event designed to call attention to the bullying and harassment faced by LBGTQ students, with a campaign of bullying and harassing LGBTQ students.

 

This “anti-gay day” was organized by high school students who assumedly felt that their free speech was being stifled, people weren’t being tolerant of their intolerance, yadda yadda. They ‘celebrated’ by encouraging everyone who didn’t like gay people to wear flannel to school the next day, write the words “anti-gay” on their hands, and post homophobic posters on the lockers of known queer students in the school.

 

Unfortunately for these poor maligned douchebags, it does not look like “anti-gay day” will catch on. The blame most likely falls on a lack of stylish clothing choices; homophobes have spent so long deriding the vast majority of cool outfits as ‘gay’ that now the only unambiguously heterosexual options are flannel and the color orange (and even those are suspect). Because be honest: would you rather show your support for a cause by wearing orange flannel or awesome rainbows? Yeah, that’s what we thought.

Swimsuits!

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