Nefarious Plot to Cull Admitted Students Revealed

Think of the children!

Think of the children!

As throngs of admitted students and unsuspecting parents swarm the campus, rumors are flying about a university-wide conspiracy to keep them at bay. The plot is known only by the codename “Carnival,” a deceptively benign-sounding name for the dastardly plot to keep CMU safe from visiting parents and the weak-willed.

 

The word is that the administration is behind the “Heavy Social Drinkers Wanted” posters recently seen in Wean Hall. Respondents are asked to get drunk with friends on the weekend of Carnival, appearing in public before appalled parents and touring students, according to an anonymous tip.

 

On Sunday, a group of terrified Sleeping Bag Weekend students fled Midway wearing the blue hard hats reserved for coordinators. “It was horrible,” sobbed one. “They asked me to help in an emergency. Someone had … put a nail through his hand. Oh, God, the blood!” The administration has requested a meeting with the Spring Carnival Committee chairs, allegedly to chastise them for nearly revealing the plan ahead of schedule.

 

Insider reports of the “Living Library” hint at a Jurassic Park themed booth. While readme understands the need to protect CMU from the dangers of wandering parents and admitted students, it can’t help but wonder if attacking them with dinosaurs isn’t too far?

 

Meanwhile, crime and incident reports describing dozens of injuries consistent with Wild Thing attacks have been called in over the past few days. It can’t be safe to make a booth of that. This has gone too far, and someone needs to take a stand. Think of the children!


readme will surely be attending the event in question (to do some investigative reporting, of course). Check back with us next time as details of the conspiracy unfold.

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