Elections Are Coming

Who Will Sit on the Throne of readme?

Ah, election season. The smell of campaign promises in the breeze, the sound of chirpings made up of vague proclamations of broad values, the sun shining on the smiling faces of career politicians who will do anything they can to separate themselves from the crowd.


“But it’s not even 2016 yet,” I’ve heard people complain. “The presidential election is still so far off.” When you’re talking about the most powerful position in the world, the leader of the free press, the commander in chief of a small staff of writers, who cares about the presidential elections? I meant readme’s elections.


The chosen few of the electoral college, namely, those active readme members we could entice with candy, gathered last Friday to vote on their leadership for next year. After long deliberations, we entered our ballots, and the count showed that Hillary Clinton won with 98% of the vote. The remaining 2% were for Elizabeth Warren, who wasn’t even running. After trying again, the results remained the same, only the 2% switched to Bernie Sanders, who’s almost as good as Warren. I guess Clinton 2016 is just inevitable.


Despite rummaging around the back room of the AB office, we still couldn’t find the bylaws for readme elections. So we called up Clinton, and asked her to be Editor-in-Chef. However, the person on the other end of the line wasn’t very astute, and just kept asking us to “press 1 to make a donation to the Clinton dynasty, er, campaign.” We took that to mean that Clinton declined the offer to helm readme in the upcoming year.


The next tally of the votes turned up a bunch of arrowheads. We explained to readme members that A Song of Fire and Ice is a fictional story, and more importantly, that they should be more careful about what they reveal, as they could spoil it for Game of Thrones, the TV show. Although the tables might be turned in the upcoming season. Don’t tell me, I haven’t watched any of Season 5 yet.


Finally, we ended up with a current, present, non-graduating member of readme as the Editor-in-Chef for next year. This fine author, namely, yours truly, Thatcher Montgomery, will be whipping up some delicious satire sandwiches for your enjoyment. After much urging, two henchmen stepped up to help my takeover of Carnegie Mell—I mean, to help my production of readme. Rin Fair will be filling the new position of Word Warlock, and will hopefully help keep our issues error-free, which apparently is preferable to error-filled, and Rachel Karp will be our Finance Mage, and magic us up some money so we can continue printing.


We look forward to continuing our core mission of brainwashi—of serving students with omelettes made from free-range facts, whipped just enough to inject some silliness. Enjoy this penultimate issue and our final, finals week, swimsuit issue, and consider joining us next year.

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