At a film screening last week, Robert Kennedy Jr. likened vaccination to the Holocaust. Because… autism? Yeah, autism.
readme finds this a totally appropriate comparison to make and would like to contribute its own list of things that are by that logic literally the Holocaust.
(Ha, but seriously, we know the Holocaust is an actual non-jokey thing. We do not want to trivialize it, and only use it here to mock the people who do trivialize it for their douchey political purposes.)
• Reverse racism
• Persecution of Christians in today’s America
• Pittsburgh weather
• Violence in video games
• The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement
• Cooking with eggs
• The widespread use of piñatas
• CMU final exams
• The repeated destruction of Wile E. Coyote
• Maternity leave
• When Costco closes early on Sundays
• When hot dogs come in packs of 8 and buns come in packs of 6
• Pope Francis calling Armenian genocide ‘genocide’
• Apparently, anything that is not the Holocaust but you personally disagree with
It’s that time of year again. In fact it’s always that time of year. You know, when the weather is just bizarre or really terrible. In case you are still scratching your head over the strange weather, just remember you are in Pittsburgh and everything will make sense. Now, readme is not complaining about the temperatures (although there were a few days that were a bit on the chilly side), but the rest of the weather is just getting plain bizarre. Anyone who wasn’t locked in their room for the entire day last Thursday should remember the huge thunderstorm with gale-like winds that hit campus that afternoon. readme remembers, and it has nothing to do with the fact that readme was hiding under the covers…
Well, anyway, readme would like to make some predictions for the upcoming months. First of all, Sweepstakes (that’s Buggy to all you plebeians—and if you don’t know what Buggy is, are you sure you go to school here?) is on Friday and Saturday this week, and according to the Smallgirlsdownhills Law of Weather it is bound to rain one of those days. readme is thinking Pittsburgh might try and shake things up by just having buggies fall from the sky. For the rest of April students should wear wetsuits in order to be able to swim through the spontaneous thunderstorms and still make it to class on time. They say that April showers bring May flowers but readme is pretty sure the flowers are just crushed by the torrential downpours and quietly replaced overnight by fairies without anyone being the wiser.
Not to get too far ahead, but for those students sticking around until finals, remember to stay near a building with a basement at all times. Most likely Pittsburgh will be filled with tornadoes all through the month of May. And by that, readme means that there will most likely be at least one or two resident tornadoes on CMU campus. In past years, they have tended to spend time down near Hamerschlag or near Resnik (to catch all those freshmen who just ate dinner). Remember, if you see a tornado, quickly report it to campus police, who will park some campus police cars around it in order to keep the student body safe from all harm. In the days before finals, don that wetsuit again in order to make it through the lake of blood, sweat, and tears that will pour from all of CMU’s students. Once that drains away you should be done with finals, and if you are done with finals, you really shouldn’t stay in Pittsburgh anymore.
For those of us here in the summer… well, the entire city of Pittsburgh will simply be sucked into a black hole, because that is how the universe works. Or maybe it’s just an anomaly of the weather here; either way readme doesn’t see any difference.
As throngs of admitted students and unsuspecting parents swarm the campus, rumors are flying about a university-wide conspiracy to keep them at bay. The plot is known only by the codename “Carnival,” a deceptively benign-sounding name for the dastardly plot to keep CMU safe from visiting parents and the weak-willed.
The word is that the administration is behind the “Heavy Social Drinkers Wanted” posters recently seen in Wean Hall. Respondents are asked to get drunk with friends on the weekend of Carnival, appearing in public before appalled parents and touring students, according to an anonymous tip.
On Sunday, a group of terrified Sleeping Bag Weekend students fled Midway wearing the blue hard hats reserved for coordinators. “It was horrible,” sobbed one. “They asked me to help in an emergency. Someone had … put a nail through his hand. Oh, God, the blood!” The administration has requested a meeting with the Spring Carnival Committee chairs, allegedly to chastise them for nearly revealing the plan ahead of schedule.
Insider reports of the “Living Library” hint at a Jurassic Park themed booth. While readme understands the need to protect CMU from the dangers of wandering parents and admitted students, it can’t help but wonder if attacking them with dinosaurs isn’t too far?
Meanwhile, crime and incident reports describing dozens of injuries consistent with Wild Thing attacks have been called in over the past few days. It can’t be safe to make a booth of that. This has gone too far, and someone needs to take a stand. Think of the children!
readme will surely be attending the event in question (to do some investigative reporting, of course). Check back with us next time as details of the conspiracy unfold.
• Vermont,for being the only state not represented at Marco Rubio’s candidacy announcement
• Virginia, for being the only state who was unable to refuse to host Ted Cruz’s candidacy endorsement
• Mississippi, for not being able to feel superior to Mississippi
• Hawaii, for missing that special (re: geographic) connection with every other state
• Alaska, whom other states told: “You can have connected land. Just not connected to /us/.”
• Frunkleby, for not even being listed as a state on any official documents anywhere
• Rhode Island, because Rhode Island
• The Bose-Einstein condensate, because people somehow believe in only four states of matter
• Texas, for not being invited to the great nation of Reagan
• New Jersey, which wishes it had been left out of Jersey Shore
• Indiana, because of all the boycotts
• Puerto Rico, for not being a state
• Every state not on this list yet, for not being on this list. Sorry, guys.
Now, folks, readme knows better than to expect sense out of viral internet memes. Still, the latest trend of hashtag hot topics has given readme pause. We mean, blue or white dresses?! Cats going up or down stairs?!?! readme hadn’t seen the internet this divided over trivial details since the release of literally any remake of a classic game ever made. Clearly, something was afoot.
readme dug deep to find the source of these memes, even making one of those big maps on the wall in the back of the AB office with strings going everywhere. It wasn’t working, until in a Red Bull-induced haze readme started seeing the wall as an optical illusion of Marilyn Monroe. That’s when it realized—the optical illusions were the key.
This in mind, readme tracked down the headquarters of the Optical Illusion Appreciation Society of America, the entrance of which is cunningly disguised as the ‘construction site’ off the UC. “Dutch graphic artist M.C. Escher!” readme declared as it burst in. “So you’re the one behind the blue-or-white dress!”
“Yes, it is I,” replied Dutch graphic artist M.C. Escher (whose “death” was the greatest optical illusion of all). “It is all part of my elaborate plot to take over the country by finding topics more divisive to the average American than current bipartisan talking points!”
“No longer will the country be divided by opinions on abortions or immigration policy,” Escher continued, “but on whether people perceive an optical illusion as a vase or two faces! And while the politicians scramble to change their platforms, my own puppet leaders will have already replaced them in positions of power!”
“You’re mad!” readme shouted back. “That is obviously a vase. How would you even get two faces out of that?”
“Look at the black parts.”
“Huh? Ohhhh. Okay, I see it now,” readme said. “Still, you’ll never succeed. readme has dozens of readers, some of whom are registered voters!” it told him. “Once they find out what you’re planning, you’ve got no chance.”
“Then I suppose I’ll just have to eliminate you here,” said Escher, opening a bottomless pit trap in front of readme. Thankfully, it turned out not to be a pit trap after all, merely an elaborate chalk drawing designed to look like a bottomless pit when viewed from a certain angle, and readme was able to escape.
And so, dear readers, readme has come to the most remote, isolated place it can think of (the basement of Wean—hiyoh!) to bring you the truth. If we band together, we can stop this nefarious plot before it even begins. Now it just needs to take the issue to print and—
Wait a minute, is that a pinhole camera in the wall behind readme—or is the wall just painted to look like it has a camera in it? Oh, God.
Florida man, 69-year-old John Benedict was discovered impersonating a police officer after he pulled over two real detectives earlier this week. As it turns out, you should try to avoid the people you’re impersonating if you don’t want to get caught.
An interview with the Benedict’s sister, a Ms. Margaret Cumberbatch, proved useful—it turns out that Benedict as a child had possessed the common superpower of closing one’s eyes to disappear. Young Benedict had attempted many a cookie theft with this ability, failing only due to his inability to see with his eyes closed.
“Our mother always enabled him,” Cumberbatch let on. readme was perplexed. Perhaps she meant their mother tried to enable the theft? “No,” she said, strangely frustrated. “She played along and pretended she couldn’t see him.” readme quickly ended the interview.
Benedict had previously helped out local police by directing traffic during crashes. readme salutes his dedicated service. Florida Man is the hero Florida deserves but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he’s not a hero, he’s a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A dark knight. Florida police are looking into the possibility that Benedict had an accomplice in his impersonation. Eyewitness accounts describe the potential accomplice as a dapper ursine individual, who was surprisingly sexy and who the Tartan should totally hook up with. Their words. Not readme’s.
In unrelated news, readme editors have had to cancel their Carnival plans.
readme CLASSIFIED ADS
2 Police Uniforms 2 Police Costumes
Sizes: Adult Medium and Bear Large
Never been worn, especially not to impersonate the police.
What, this again?
readme already covered the solution: a full video crew for every officer. Then we wouldn’t have to rely on some random dude with a phone camera. And the stolen-horse chase scenes would be way more exciting.
You’d think that they’d realize that there are enough people with cameras out there that you can’t just get away with this sort of stuff anymore. Rodney King may have been an anomaly, back in the early 90s, but these days nearly everyone has a camera.
“Yeah, back in the good ol’ days we’d just drag ‘em out back behind the shed and shoot ‘em,” old-timer Ima Ray Cyst said, to readme’s horror. “The officer safety videos, that is. Now we can film anywhere we want, using our new gadgets.”
“But we sure used to be able to strike fear into minority communities without fear of repercussions. Remember back when that dude in Alabama had a tank? Well, we have those now, too, thanks to the military sending us all their old stuff, but we have to be a little more careful about our PR when we use them.”
“Yeah, now we have to make sure to only shoot them folk who have actually done something wrong. Like the dude who was late on his child support. Because if you fuck up, you deserve to die the next time you’re stopped by a police officer. The two things are totally relevant. At least, that’s what enough people believe that it’s still socially acceptable.”
readme informed Cyst that the officer who shot and killed the fleeing man, and then apparently planted his taser by the body and claimed that they were fighting over it, had actually been arrested for murder. “Arresting a cop, one of their own? Now what sort of shitty department would do that. They must not care about the people they’ve sworn to protect.”
When readme brought up that more and more perpetrators of police brutality were being charged, Cyst was aghast. “Some sheriff in California said that he was ‘disturbed and troubled’ when he saw video of his deputies beating some horsethief? First of all, deputies and police officers are different, so this isn’t even technically police brutality. Secondly, the only disturbing thing here is that they didn’t lynch the guy. Horse thieves are the lowest of lowbrows, the scum of the earth. Back in the Wild West, he woulda been drawn and quartered and left for the coyotes. Isn’t a beating progressive, when you compare it to that?”
Who Will Sit on the Throne of readme?
Ah, election season. The smell of campaign promises in the breeze, the sound of chirpings made up of vague proclamations of broad values, the sun shining on the smiling faces of career politicians who will do anything they can to separate themselves from the crowd.
“But it’s not even 2016 yet,” I’ve heard people complain. “The presidential election is still so far off.” When you’re talking about the most powerful position in the world, the leader of the free press, the commander in chief of a small staff of writers, who cares about the presidential elections? I meant readme’s elections.
The chosen few of the electoral college, namely, those active readme members we could entice with candy, gathered last Friday to vote on their leadership for next year. After long deliberations, we entered our ballots, and the count showed that Hillary Clinton won with 98% of the vote. The remaining 2% were for Elizabeth Warren, who wasn’t even running. After trying again, the results remained the same, only the 2% switched to Bernie Sanders, who’s almost as good as Warren. I guess Clinton 2016 is just inevitable.
Despite rummaging around the back room of the AB office, we still couldn’t find the bylaws for readme elections. So we called up Clinton, and asked her to be Editor-in-Chef. However, the person on the other end of the line wasn’t very astute, and just kept asking us to “press 1 to make a donation to the Clinton dynasty, er, campaign.” We took that to mean that Clinton declined the offer to helm readme in the upcoming year.
The next tally of the votes turned up a bunch of arrowheads. We explained to readme members that A Song of Fire and Ice is a fictional story, and more importantly, that they should be more careful about what they reveal, as they could spoil it for Game of Thrones, the TV show. Although the tables might be turned in the upcoming season. Don’t tell me, I haven’t watched any of Season 5 yet.
Finally, we ended up with a current, present, non-graduating member of readme as the Editor-in-Chef for next year. This fine author, namely, yours truly, Thatcher Montgomery, will be whipping up some delicious satire sandwiches for your enjoyment. After much urging, two henchmen stepped up to help my takeover of Carnegie Mell—I mean, to help my production of readme. Rin Fair will be filling the new position of Word Warlock, and will hopefully help keep our issues error-free, which apparently is preferable to error-filled, and Rachel Karp will be our Finance Mage, and magic us up some money so we can continue printing.
We look forward to continuing our core mission of brainwashi—of serving students with omelettes made from free-range facts, whipped just enough to inject some silliness. Enjoy this penultimate issue and our final, finals week, swimsuit issue, and consider joining us next year.
You may have noticed something a bit…off about the world this week. Namely, that people are actually reading the Tartan for a change. Boom!
But seriously, though, people are actually picking up way more issues of the Tartan than we normally would. Or, should readme say, the “Natrat”. For those not in the know, the Natrat is the Tartan’s special April Fool’s edition, where instead of real news they create fake news stories about the world and CMU. Hmm…now why does that sound familiar…?
Oh, right, that’s because that’s what readme does. Every other week. For the entire school year. Typically with a staff of no more than six writers per issue (and that’s being generous. Seriously, people, join readme). And then the Tartan decides it’s a big fancy satire magazine, too? Please.
But you know what? readme gets it. Sometimes it’s fun to shake things up a little bit, spread your horizons. The Tartan wants to be a satire paper? Fine. readme will just be a newspaper. Thus, we present to you the very first issue of “emdaer”, the April Fool’s readme that gives you the real news the Tartan won’t.
That’s right, folks. This week we get serious. Everything in the pages of this readme is real news about real issues pertaining to the Carnegie Mellon experience. No jokes, no silly made-up gags (okay, a few silly made-up gags. But readme didn’t make them up, so it’s okay!). If you like serious news, you should love this issue. If not, eh, you’ve come this far so you might as well give it a look-see.
To conclude, we hope you enjoy what should become an annual tradition here at readme, and have yourself a happy April Fool’s. And remember: if your roommate offers you some peanut brittle today, it’s not peanut brittle. It’s a can of snakes.