Bibi to Arabs: It’s Not What it Looks Like


It was late at night when Israeli Arabs caught Benjamin Netanyahu in an isolated convention center on the edge of town. The Arab citizens, who had previously been out looking for a more moderate candidate, had decided to come back and maybe give Netanyahu a chance to explain himself.

When they kicked down the door and peeked inside, though, what they found gave them the non-shock of their lives: Netanyahu cozying up to a few of his more conservative sponsors and promising them an end to Palestinian dreams and a harder stance against his opposition’s electioneering tactics.

“Arab voters are coming out in droves,” he whispered tenderly into his right-wing backer’s ear. “Left-wing organizations are busing them out.” As his supporter shivered in horror, snuggling deeper into Netanyahu’s cozy and familiar traditionalist shoulder, Israeli Arabs poked their heads in the door – and gasped at the sight.

By the time that Netanyahu could stutter out anything other than “This isn’t what it looks like,” his constituency had already slammed the door shut, bolted down the stairs, and fled from the center.

A hotel security camera recorded footage of Netanyahu shouting “Baby, no!” and jogging out into the hall after his nation’s ex. Upon finding that the voters had already left the building, Netanyahu reportedly shrugged and went back upstairs to count the election results.

That does not seem to have stopped him from trying to win Israeli Arabs back, though. “Baby, I love you,” he said at a recent press release. “I view myself as the prime minister of each and every citizen of Israel, without any prejudice based on religion or any of that stuff. Really. Honestly. That whole ‘no-two-state-solution’ thing? I really just meant that now’s not the right time, you know? So please come back to me. I made my mother’s latke for you – your favorite!”

When asked if he loved his Arab citizens enough to freeze settlements or to try reaching a reasonable peace deal, however, things weren’t quite as reconciliatory. “A relationship’s got to have limits, right? A reasonable give-and-take.” he said. “I give you a Band-aid and kiss it to make the boo-boo better, you turn the other way to ignore me bulldozing your relatives’ ancestral homes. Everybody wins.”

“And besides,” he said. “Whether you stick with me or not, it’s not like you’re going to be the majority population one day. Right? That’s funny.”

Funny? Not Funny?

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