Separately addressing a nervous nation, Barack Obama and Benjamin Netanyahu attempted to soothe fears over a widening rift between the United States and Israel.
“Now, I just want you to know that we both will always love you, no matter what,” Obama started his speech off. “Even if we go through some rough times, Bibi and I will be here for you.” He then went on to explain that it wasn’t our fault, and that any cracks in the relationship were solely between himself and Netanyahu.
Coming in with a similar approach, Israel’s prime minister reassured audiences that this was just a temporary period of struggle, and that when Israel and the US said “until death do us part,” they meant it. “It’s just that Obama seems to want that to happen a little sooner than we’d like,” Netanyahu couldn’t resist jabbing at the president’s stance on Iran.
But Netanyahu continued, saying, “even though sometimes it seems like Barack doesn’t care about my emotions and my needs, I know that he’ll come around eventually.” With a trembling lip, Netanyahu wiped away the tears that were welling in his eyes. “Underneath that cold exterior is a warm heart, and a compassionate man who truly loves Israel. He just needs to be given a chance.”
Obama agreed, arguing that, “We do have rather different ways of approaching things. For example, where I want to have a cool, measured, rational dialogue to try and solve our problems, Israel just gets so emotional at times. But we will overcome our differences, and come out of this struggle with a deeper understanding and appreciation of each other.”
On why the two had decided not to meet, the White House continued to give the same shitty answer that has been used to belittle politicians for centuries: “It’s getting close to Bibi’s time, and things always get a little heated around now. It’s best just to wait until it passes and the cycle starts again.” Pundits also speculated that Netanyahu’s wavering support back home might be related to the situation with the Obama.