6 Degrees of Planned Parenthood

baby hot dog

Recently, a group of fourth graders were being taught a lesson civic duty. They drafted a bill and took it to their state legislature, where they hoped they could name the red-tailed hawk as New Hampshire’s state raptor. How delightfully democratic.

Unfortunately, actual democracy got in the way, as they were told their bill was a waste of time. “I’m not trying to be mean,” Democratic representative Christy Bartlett claimed, much in the same way people say “I’m not racist,” before saying something racist. She then asked the 9- and 10- year olds sitting in the audience for their help in “staying focused on issues of more importance this year.” Because maybe last year, a bill like this might have made it, but this year, it’s time to get down to business. Maybe if these fourth-graders had proposed a bill addressing climate change or campaign finance rules, or something more meaningful.

And meaningful doesn’t imply that it means something to your constituents, of course. If legislators did pass the bills proposed by the schoolchildren who are trying to learn about the legal process, the kids might get the wrong idea about government and think it actually does something.

And the red-tailed hawk is a bird that is “known for its extremely strong and sharp talons, with which it grasps its prey. It uses its razor-sharp beak to rip its victim to shreds, tearing it apart limb by limb,” as described by Republican representative Warren Groen. Apparently he wasn’t aware what qualifications it takes to be considered a “raptor.” He followed up by saying that “the shame about making this a state bird is that it would serve as a much better mascot for Planned Parenthood.”

Okay, so he wanted to go there, did he. Well, readme can go there, too. Just taking a quick peek down his voting history, it turns out that everything Groen voted on is related to Planned Parenthood and abortion. He voted on a bill about child care. Care for children who wouldn’t have been born if Planned Parenthood had their way. He voted to repeal a bill about greenhouse gas emissions. You know what else can turn green and emits gas? The babies Planned Parenthood doesn’t want you to have. He sponsored a bill that would let landlords remove tenants’ property, in certain circumstances. Just like how Planned Parenthood wants to remove fetuses, under certain circumstances. He voted that New Hampshire school districts should not use the common core, and instead should have their students attend legislative sessions in order to have first-hand experience on real-life disappointments. We tried, but we couldn’t think of a good way to connect this to Planned Parenthood. You win this time, Groen.

Another representative, republican John Burt, said that if they let these kids have their state bird, then who knows what could come next. “Bottom line: If we keep bringing more of these bills, and bills, and bills forward that really I think we shouldn’t have in front of us, we’ll be picking a state hot dog next.” And everyone knows that hot dogs are made of ground up meat, just like how Planned Parenthood grinds up fetuses.

Is it 2016 Yet?

Ted Cruz, president. The idea itself sends shivers down many a spine. Probably because it’s a Hispanic name and therefore associated with illegal immigrants, stolen jobs, and drugs, but that can be overcome. Besides, he was born in Canada, so he can’t be that bad–wait, what? He was born in Canada? And he admits it? Oh, but he’s still a natural born citizen. Sure. Okay. If you say so. As long as he as a birth certificate and isn’t black.

Cruz is likely the bravest, most patriotic man in the country this week. He had the courage to come out and tell us all what everyone was already thinking. Many others have been dilly-dallying, wishy-washing, and in general just namby-pambies, but finally we have a straight-talking, down-to-earth guy who can really open up about his feelings.

And my, what strong feelings those are. Liberty! Liberty for all! Let freedom ring! Freedom for women to surrender their bodies to the state. Freedom for minorities to be disproportionately arrested and shot. Freedom from believing in silly little things like climate change and evolution. Freedom to be required to attend campaign speeches, like the students at Liberty University, where Cruz gave his touching speech. And of course, freedom to wear shirts supporting Rand Paul (a Cruz opponent) at the aforementioned speech.

In addition to such varied liberties, Cruz argued for a repeal of most of the government. A return to the Constitution in its purest form, where blacks count as 3/5ths of a person. Okay, he didn’t specifically mention that part of the Constitution.

When readme went to check out Cruz’s campaign online, they were surprised to see that the website tedcruz.com is actually in support of both Obama and immigration reform. While Cruz does support immigration reform, encouraging us to “imagine a president that finally, finally, finally secures the borders,” and a legal system that celebrates those who come here for the American dream, he doesn’t seem to be such a fan of Obama. Because of course, Obama’s a communist Muslim eco-fanatic. readme finally made it over to tedcruz.org, which seemed to be more in line with the whole “Liberty!” thing. However, the occasional link to nigerian-prince.com made readme wonder if the whole thing wasn’t a scam.

Anyways, Cruz is so brave for telling us that he’s ready to make a big fuss until he gets a poor showing in the first (of 50) primaries, in which case he’ll promptly shut up and drop out like they always do. It takes so much courage to re-affirm broad, sweeping generalizations to a captive audience of college kids. We at readme wish him the best of luck on his journey.

In a Shocking Turn From the Usual, Media Chooses Sensationalism over Science!

Recently, legislation was proposed in France which would have banned agencies from allowing models with a body mass index of less than 18 to participate in Paris Fashion Week. Parliament member Oliver Veran stated that “We want to tackle the idea that agencies feel able to stop models from eating, for example, asking them to eat cotton balls to lose their appetite.” Which is pretty solid, in readme’s opinion. In fact, any bill that keeps a company from starving its employees could probably be called a positive.

Of course, newspapers and websites have done their best to accurately represent the issue, using sensible and not-at-all sensationalist headlines like “Anorexic Models: France Considers Ban of Super-Skinny Models” and “Will Banning Thin Models Help Curb Anorexia?” These news groups are, of course, referring to the belief that eating disorders are directly caused by having skinny models, and not by any other possible factors whatsoever.

Thankfully, readme’s watched a lot of made-for-TV movies about eating disorders, which pretty much makes it an expert. Did you know that all eating disorders are actually anorexia? And that all cases of anorexia are caused by girls (specifically, white teen girls) seeing skinny models and becoming insecure about their weight? And you can tell whether a person is anorexic based solely on whether they’re skinny or not? Sure, some sources like ‘everything we know about psychology’ or ‘the DSM-V’ claim otherwise, but did the DSM-V ever win a Primetime Emmy for Outstanding Television Movie? readme thought not.

See, the problem with disorders these days are that they’re too complicated. Anything from a person’s family life to their work environment to past medical history could cause them to develop an eating disorder. And that means if we want to stop people from getting eating disorders, we’d have to fight all those factors and that’s just hard. But if we just say models did it, we don’t have to worry about any of that! Then we can just ban skinny models and anorexia will be solved, and if anybody disagrees then we know they’re not watching enough Lifetime movies.

People Outraged Multicultural Events Make Them Consider Other Cultures

In recent news, white people are growing steadily more outraged about the greatest threat to American society today. No, not ISIS, and not Obama (this time). According to these white people, the greatest threat to America today is one thing–multiculturalism.

Now, don’t get white people wrong, they love supporting other cultures, it’s just–do there have to be so many of them? And do they have to keep bringing up the fact that they face systemic oppression every day at the hands of America’s white majority? It really makes those poor white people feel uncomfortable.

Take, for example, Rebecca and Charles. Rebecca and Charles are two white parents who pulled their daughter out of school after a school-wide Black History Month performance went horribly awry.

All Rebecca and Charles wanted was to see their daughter perform in a tame, inoffensive show that would let them feel good about how tolerant they were being without actually having to acknowledge that racism continues to exist today. But, to their horror, they found the performance used slogans and images reminiscent of…Ferguson (*cue dramatic thunderclap*).

“It had quite a few different acts that I was worried were going to be quite controversial,” Rebecca explained, because as we all know controversy is only tolerable when you’re trying to teach students creationism. But it got worse: “Everywhere we looked were students, high school students, wearing shirts that said ‘Black Lives Matter, I Can’t Breathe’.” The nerve of those students, wearing T-shirts at her! Can’t they see she’s trying to ignore racism over here!

Her husband Charles was equally concerned. After the performance, Charles attested that his daughter “had serious questions” about police violence and Ferguson. “We really had to have a discussion about current events we should never have had.”

Truly, no parent should ever have to tell their children about current events. Children shouldn’t read the news until they’re married, and schools should teach abstinence-only race education, where students learn the best way to deal with racism is to never talk about it, ever!

But this insidious example of multiculturalism should not be read as an isolated incident. A school in New York recently tried to celebrate national Foreign Language Week by having the Pledge of Allegiance read over the PA system in Arabic! When will these mad multiculturalists realize that just because the point of these national holidays is to promote understanding and tolerance, doesn’t mean you can use them as a platform to promote your twisted agenda of understanding and tolerance!

Students and parents, of course, were outraged by this butchering of the Pledge of Allegiance. “It is Foreign Language Week,” one student acknowledge, but asserted that “[the Pledge] should be in English.” English is a foreign language, right? Another tweeted that the school “could have just said ‘Good Morning’ in a different language each day.” As we all know, speaking entirely in English except for a few gimmicky sayings is a perfect way to show how tolerant you are of foreign languages, and is in no way offensive to the people who actually speak them.

The mild discomfort faced by these poor students, along with Rebecca, Charles, and the other unnamed victims of multicultural education, should serve as a warning to us all. Today it’s T-shirts and PA announcements, but what’s next? Snapchats? Skinny jeans? Stay warned, America. And stay safe.

Bibi to Arabs: It’s Not What it Looks Like

netanyahu-bomb-un

It was late at night when Israeli Arabs caught Benjamin Netanyahu in an isolated convention center on the edge of town. The Arab citizens, who had previously been out looking for a more moderate candidate, had decided to come back and maybe give Netanyahu a chance to explain himself.

When they kicked down the door and peeked inside, though, what they found gave them the non-shock of their lives: Netanyahu cozying up to a few of his more conservative sponsors and promising them an end to Palestinian dreams and a harder stance against his opposition’s electioneering tactics.

“Arab voters are coming out in droves,” he whispered tenderly into his right-wing backer’s ear. “Left-wing organizations are busing them out.” As his supporter shivered in horror, snuggling deeper into Netanyahu’s cozy and familiar traditionalist shoulder, Israeli Arabs poked their heads in the door – and gasped at the sight.

By the time that Netanyahu could stutter out anything other than “This isn’t what it looks like,” his constituency had already slammed the door shut, bolted down the stairs, and fled from the center.

A hotel security camera recorded footage of Netanyahu shouting “Baby, no!” and jogging out into the hall after his nation’s ex. Upon finding that the voters had already left the building, Netanyahu reportedly shrugged and went back upstairs to count the election results.

That does not seem to have stopped him from trying to win Israeli Arabs back, though. “Baby, I love you,” he said at a recent press release. “I view myself as the prime minister of each and every citizen of Israel, without any prejudice based on religion or any of that stuff. Really. Honestly. That whole ‘no-two-state-solution’ thing? I really just meant that now’s not the right time, you know? So please come back to me. I made my mother’s latke for you – your favorite!”

When asked if he loved his Arab citizens enough to freeze settlements or to try reaching a reasonable peace deal, however, things weren’t quite as reconciliatory. “A relationship’s got to have limits, right? A reasonable give-and-take.” he said. “I give you a Band-aid and kiss it to make the boo-boo better, you turn the other way to ignore me bulldozing your relatives’ ancestral homes. Everybody wins.”


“And besides,” he said. “Whether you stick with me or not, it’s not like you’re going to be the majority population one day. Right? That’s funny.”

Some Other Debates as Exciting as the Blue/Gold Dress

readme doesn't see what this fuss is about. Clearly, the dress is gray and grey.

readme doesn’t see what this fuss is about. Clearly, the dress is gray and grey.

• Is CMU a frustrating school with overly-depressed students, or depressing school with overly-frustrated students?

• Is ISIS an oppressive, fear-mongering organization trying to uproot overly fundamentalist regimes, or an overly fundamentalist organization trying to uproot oppressive, fear-mongering regimes?

• Paper or Plastic?

• Is Sheik a boy or a girl?

• Can Metroid take the gun off his arm?

• Art student, or actual, rule-breaking streaker?

• Pro-skub or anti-skub?

Don’t Worry, Netanyahu and Obama Still Love Each Other

barack and bibi

Separately addressing a nervous nation, Barack Obama and Benjamin Netanyahu attempted to soothe fears over a widening rift between the United States and Israel.

 

“Now, I just want you to know that we both will always love you, no matter what,” Obama started his speech off. “Even if we go through some rough times, Bibi and I will be here for you.” He then went on to explain that it wasn’t our fault, and that any cracks in the relationship were solely between himself and Netanyahu.

 

Coming in with a similar approach, Israel’s prime minister reassured audiences that this was just a temporary period of struggle, and that when Israel and the US said “until death do us part,” they meant it. “It’s just that Obama seems to want that to happen a little sooner than we’d like,” Netanyahu couldn’t resist jabbing at the president’s stance on Iran.

 

But Netanyahu continued, saying, “even though sometimes it seems like Barack doesn’t care about my emotions and my needs, I know that he’ll come around eventually.” With a trembling lip, Netanyahu wiped away the tears that were welling in his eyes. “Underneath that cold exterior is a warm heart, and a compassionate man who truly loves Israel. He just needs to be given a chance.”

 

Obama agreed, arguing that, “We do have rather different ways of approaching things. For example, where I want to have a cool, measured, rational dialogue to try and solve our problems, Israel just gets so emotional at times. But we will overcome our differences, and come out of this struggle with a deeper understanding and appreciation of each other.”

 

On why the two had decided not to meet, the White House continued to give the same shitty answer that has been used to belittle politicians for centuries: “It’s getting close to Bibi’s time, and things always get a little heated around now. It’s best just to wait until it passes and the cycle starts again.” Pundits also speculated that Netanyahu’s wavering support back home might be related to the situation with the Obama.

Things We Couldn’t Fit in the Also-Ins

There’s been a lot of weird stuff going on this week, folks. So much that we couldn’t fit it all in our Also-Ins. So, presenting for the first time: the Also-Also-Ins!

• To Hide Identities, MI5 Agents Testify in Court in Wigs like a Slapstick Comedy

• Department of Energy Revealed to be Spending Budget on Parties, Cruises

• Scientists Discover “Doomed” Planet, Find Themselves Reminded of Own Mortality

• Apparently Galaxies can be “Boring”? Yes, That is a Technical Term.

• Fraternity Files Discrimination Lawsuit After Being Forced Accept Women

• Turns Out Penguins Cannot Taste Fish, readme Finds This Incredibly Sad

• Police Dog Fired for Biting Cop and Donut Worker, readme Tries Not to Make Obvious Joke

• Pentagon Revealed to Have Spent $41.6 Million on Viagra. What the Actual Fuck?

• 800k People Send Wrong Info to Healthcare.gov. Can We Blame Obama for This Somehow?

Oklahoma Trying to be Florida

In mid-February a group of Oklahoma legislators, led by state representative Dan Fisher, proposed a bill that would completely retool the current AP U.S. History curriculum, a bill that has sparked some controversy due to the fact that its chief goal seems to be making history classes more “patriotic.”

 

Their problem is that the current curriculum puts less emphasis on America’s “founding principles,” choosing instead to focus on “the lives of marginalized people” throughout American history. Now, before you think this bill is just an attempt by rich, educated, white men to paint American history as something created entirely through the contributions of rich, educated, white men, you should note that it’s not the focus on minorities with which these lawmakers have a problem. It’s that the focus on minorities reminds us that America is such a piece of shit sometimes.

 

See, spending so much time on “robust analyses” of the “gender and racial oppression and class ethnicity” that occur so often throughout American history leads students to somehow interpret America as “a nation of oppressors and exploiters” instead of the democracy-bringing, WWII-winning Amurrican heroes we know ourselves to be. If only our curriculum instead focused on unoppressed white men, we could ignore all those signs that America is not a perfect paragon of morality and instead pat ourselves on the back for being so progressive that we only kept slavery legal for ninety years.

 

But, alas, the AP curriculum does no such thing. For instance, it calls manifest destiny a racist idea of American cultural superiority used to justify American seizure of native lands, which according to Fisher is completely off base. As he explains, manifest destiny was merely “the American mission to spread democracy and technology across the continent.” See, manifest destiny wasn’t a bunch of Americans thinking that they were so amazing that it was okay for them to kill people and steal their land, they actually were just that amazing, and Fisher is in no way falling to that same self-superior thought process which led to this aforementioned theft and genocide!

 

Some might argue that the existence of arguments like this is exactly why the current curriculum is necessary. But those people are entirely off base, say proponents of this curriculum reform bill. The truth is that American pride today is already under attack (from what, nobody’s specified. The media, maybe? Evolution? You just know Obama’s got to be involved somehow), and this disproportionate emphasis on all the bad things America’s done distracts us from the real issue.

 

12.5 million were sold into slavery in the Americas between 1500 and 1866. Estimates vary for the number of natives killed in the pursuit of manifest destiny, but most agree it too numbered in the millions. Nearly half of all homeless in America today are black (when only about one-sixth of the total population is) and Native Americans are similarly overrepresented. So given all that, Mr. Fisher, exactly what amount of focus would you say is historically ‘proportionate’?