Snowmen Deemed Psychological Hazard

Eventual heat death ruins everything.
Eventual heat death ruins everything.

The number of snowmen present on the Cut has risen exponentially over the past few days. readme would like to remind those who create such beings to be careful, as snowmen have been known to quickly become nihilistic and create emotional instability among students.

Campus security was alerted earlier this semester when a group of children used a magic hat to bring life to one student’s creation and, instead of becoming a jolly happy soul, the newly sentient snowman entered a state of depressive angst over his own existence. He had to be forcibly removed from the Meditation Room–which he’d entered in an attempt to replace his nihilistic instincts with a sense inner peace–when his melting body waterlogged the yoga mats.

 

Another such incident occurred a month later with a snowman brought to life by the love of a sister. Though the snowman originally appeared stable, even singing cheery showtunes about his impending demise, the facade broke down upon the realization that ‘happy snowman’ does not, in fact, rhyme with ‘cuddle’, and that the word he was looking for the whole time was indeed ‘puddle’.

 

In light of this, the administration has released an official statement reminding students that snowmen, like your free time, are transient. Though you may try to build each up, eventually the passing of time will wear it away. Just as the CMU buildings remain the only permanent part of the landscape, the only constant of your time here is the mind-numbing amount of work we’ll put you through, and nothing you do will change–hey, students! Stop having a fun snowball fight while we’re talking to you about existentialism! Weren’t you listening about the futility of it all?!

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