Things We May or May Not Be at War With

ISIS

• U.S.S.R.

• Obama

• Bears

• The word “moist”

• Pumpkin Spice

• Warm weather

• Jeggings

• Any and all of the “-stan”s

• Chris Christie

• Eye-Rack

• Ee-ron

• Eeyore

• Christianity

• Christmas

• Christopher Robin

• Terror

• Dangling participles

• Flip phones

• Crocs

• Crocs with socks

• Dubstep

• Banana Laffy Taffy

• Taylor Swift

• Thumbs

• Colds

• The ghost of Josef Stalin

• Josh Korn

Student Senate Tramples Free Speech

freedom in a cage

On Wednesday, February 18th, in Steinberg Auditorium (Baker Hall A53), at 4:30, there was supposed to be a conversation facilitated by three faculty members, a conversation entitled “Free Speech in France and Europe in Historical and Global Perspective.” But that conversation never happened.

 

“Why?” you might ask. It’s what readme asked. And when readme found the answer, it was appalled. The panel was “postponed” until “after spring break” because of Student Senate. Yes, fellow citizens, our very own Student Senate.

 

While we may think that here, in capitalist, God-fearing America, we have no worries about our free speech being taken away, the truth is far more sinister. “Personal liberty” and “freedom of speech” are buzzwords thrown about incessantly, but we must be ever vigilant for communist oppressors that disguise themselves as democratic supporters. Through their actions, Student Senate was revealed to be one such undercover, totalitarian regime.

 

There is no excuse for causing a panel on free speech to be canceled. That the Student Senate would dare to do such a thing only proves their allegiance to darker ideals. They claim to be a student organization, by the students and for the students, but if their outward appearance was true, then they wouldn’t be shutting down discussions of free speech. Our student government must be made up of fascist dictators to force faculty panels to disband and disperse, mere days before moderating a discussion on free speech.

 

Never mind the fact that the faculty chose to postpone their conversation, because Student Senate “had planned a ‘Pizza and Politics’ event on the same topic on the same day and at the same time.” This only goes to show that the tyrants in Senate are not all-powerful yet, because they had not stolen the same room that the faculty’s free speech event had reserved. There is still a chance to depose these despots and liberate our liberties! Rise, fellow citizens, and throw off the muzzles that the Senate is attempting to place over your mouths! If we don’t stop, they may even do something like open a website where students can vote on the relative importance of various issues!

 

 

readme Romance Foiled by Interloper. KAAAAHHHHHHHHHN!

 

Another year, another lonely Valentine’s Day. Only this year, readme’s efforts didn’t even make it to their intended target. Somewhere along the way, things got mixed up.

 

With great passion and love, readme wrote a carefully worded missive to its one true love, the Tartan. A question was asked about how to woo the woman of readme’s dreams, obliquely referencing our current and past relationship status with the Tartan, in hopes that she would read between the lines and see that the woman was her. After sealing the note with a kiss, readme handed it to its trusty courier, Howie, and released the message-in-a-bottle into the wild. Hopefully, the arrow of love would fly true and strike the heart of that colorful lady of print, the Tartan.

 

Like any hero on a quest for love, Howie faced many obstacles and dangers on his journey. Merely exiting the AB Offices where readme makes its home was difficult enough, as there were so many cool gizmos and gadgets and interior decorations that drew his attention. Once outside, he had to carefully maneuver around the trash and recyclable bins, side-step the a capella group practicing in the hallway, and hop over the janitor’s mop. Finally, Howie arrived at the Tartan’s offices, three rooms down.

 

It would seem that the mission was complete. However, upon opening the pages of its second-favorite paper this Monday (sorry, Tartan, but even you come second to readme itself), readme was shocked to see that the soul-baring scroll had been intercepted. Before reaching the Tartan herself, readme’s love note had fallen into the hands of one Evan Kahn. Evan Kahn? What kind of publication name is Evan Kahn? readme hadn’t heard of him before, but thinks that maybe he’s the quarterly Star Trek fan-fic magazine. Anyway, reading further with its heart in its throat, readme was horrified. It could only imagine how Evan’s hands pawed all over the words meant for one publication, and one publication only.

 

Not only was there an intruder in readme’s private correspondence with the Tartan, but he didn’t even seem to understand the delicate intricacies of the relationship! “Switching places on April Fool’s” refers to the Tartan’s annual cosplay as a satire publication, and readme was obviously being a weeaboo ironically, which makes it totally okay.

 

However, there was some useful advice. Now, readme only needs to find out if the Tartan wears colored, cat-eye contact lenses, or quotes Fruits Basket

 

Jon Stewart Totally Joins readme

See? This is why you attend readme meetings, Fridays at 4:30!

See? This is why you attend readme meetings, Fridays at 4:30!

Jon Stewart, king of “The Daily Show,” a small kingdom northeast of Comedyland and just west of Satireia, has made an official announcement that he will be abdicating the throne. After a 17-year reign over “The Daily Show,” it seems that he has decided to leave behind the glory of the monarchy for a more humble existence… as just another royale. Although it is not clear when this will happen, nor who will take the throne, or even if the kingdom will exist after the abdication, there is a consensus that he will be stepping down from his throne at some point that is not right now.

 

While this news came as a small shock to readme and others who enjoy (or are composed of) satire, there seems to be a silver lining to the unfortunate event. Lately rumors have been circulating that once he has left “The Daily Show,” Jon Stewart may be joining another well-loved source of satire. That’s right, Jon stewart is joining readme. Well, according to the rumors that is.
None of this information has been verified; however, readme is confident that it is true. Having been good friends with the illustrious king for years, readme is sure that after a satisfying career on television, His Majesty Jon Stewart will be ready to spend some quality time lending his name and satirical skills to a more humble peer (that’s readme, of course). So, while the future of “The Daily Show” may be uncertain, readme can look forward to the moment, which will definitely happen, when Stewart make the official announcement that he is joining readme. Because that is definitely what is going to happen. Obviously.

Reasons CMU Might Cancel Classes

• Too much snow. ‘Too much’ here is defined as ‘snowiest winter on record’, aka February 2010.

• Apocalypse

• Game of Thrones gets canceled

• Russia invades Margaret Morrison

• The people on Walking to the Sky start moving

• Freshmen can’t navigate Doherty, professors give up.

• Carnegie Mellon revealed to be enormous mass delusion

• Carnegie Mellon revealed to be purgatory

• Because fuck you, that’s why

• President Suresh becomes a communist, transforms CMU into a classless society

• Singularity reached, CMU’s purpose achieved

• Wean Hall finally transforms

• Batman sequel filmed on campus

• Philosophers finally prove that we can never truly know ourselves or anything around us and thus school is meaningless

• CMU students too cool for school

• readme finishes a list, causing Suresh to lose a bet against the popular satire paper. He is forced to declare a snow day.

Christians Release “Wholesome” 50 Shades Ripoff

web-old-fashioned

The highly-publicized film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey, the most romantic/vomit-inducing story of the modern age (depending on who you’re asking), was released to theaters earlier this week, fittingly on the most romantic/vomit-inducing day of the year (depending on who you’re asking), Valentine’s Day.

 

Now, if you have been on the Internet in the past few years or so, we’ll assume you’ve heard some of the problems people have with Fifty Shades of Grey. In case you haven’t, though, we’ll CliffNotes it for you: Fifty Shades of Grey takes an abusive, controlling relationship and presents it as something normal and desirable. The author regularly denies any similarities between her book’s romance and real-life abuse, and uses fake concerns over BDSM awareness and female empowerment to silence actual victims of said abuse.

 

In case it wasn’t clear, readme doesn’t like this book much. It is of course, okay if you do–nothing wrong with a little bit of fantasy–but it is important that we do our best to recognize that in real life Christian Grey would be such a rapist.

 

So thank god we have Christian filmmakers to provide us with wholesome alternatives! From the same sort of people that gave us Persecuted, the action thriller that explained how American Christians were the most persecuted group of the modern day, we have Old-Fashioned, the romantic drama about two Christians trying to do the impossible: have a heterosexual, religiously-validated relationship in today’s America.

 

Old-Fashioned is, of course, completely different from Fifty Shades of Grey, which we know because the trailers spend so much time telling us so. Unlike Fifty Shades, which was about a woman whose male love interest introduces her to a model of romance she is not comfortable with but eventually acquiesces to, Old-Fashioned is about a woman whose male love interest introduces her to a model of romance she is not comfortable with but eventually acquiesces to. Totally different, and way more respectful to women.

 

The film stars Clay Walsh (sort of the Christian ‘Christian Grey’), a reformed frat boy who gave up his life of “reckless carousing” for a more old-fashioned lifestyle. Like all relatable leads, he has a dynamic and exciting job working at an antique store and building rocking chairs. Then he meets Amber Hewson, a not-at-all stereotypical free-spirited dream girl, who falls for his traditional romantic views and Christian charm.

 

And, seriously, you guys, Walsh is, like, so Christian. That’s his thing. That and rocking horses. And being sensitive. He’s so sensitive and demure that he makes Hewson leave her apartment when she asks him in to fix something, on the grounds that he is saving himself for marriage. Because there’s nothing women find more respectful than a man kicking them out of their own goddamn house because he knows that if he’s ever alone with them for any reason, he will have sex with them. How noble and not at all rapey.

 

So get down to theaters now, ladies! If you want a movie with all the condescending misogyny of Fifty Shades without any of that yucky premarital sex, this is the movie for you! Sure, it has terrible acting and bland dialogue, but so does Fifty Shades. Either way, you’re not missing out.

 

 

A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Weather Not be Horrible

Isn’t it lovely? The weather, that is. readme thinks so. I mean, who doesn’t love subzero temperatures? And the windchill? Love. It. While it can be a bit hard to breathe, or to keep your eyes from watering, readme has found the weather to be invigorating and refreshing. It has even made readme more energetic. Constantly slipping on snow and ice will do that to you. readme can’t get enough.

 

The best part is the blindingly white landscape (Seriously—readme experienced temporary blindness, which was so worth it, of course) blending with that lovely blue salt stuff that CMU puts down in nice little clumps. You see, the clumps of salt are just another part of the beautiful weather that readme can’t get enough of. How else would readme be able to wake up in the morning if not for the near-death experiences encountered at every patch of sidewalk that isn’t a pile of blue salt?

 

That breeze really tops things off, though. Not only does it help bring down the high temperatures (What if the snow melted? Then what?), but it also teams up with the ice to keep you on your toes—or your butt, depending on whether you just fell or not.

 

In fact, there’s really only one downside to this weather, and that’s that it’s over too soon. But never fear, world. readme is pleased to report a successful mission from its Punxsutawney agents. A pair of bright flashlights ensured that the world’s most beloved groundhog saw his shadow, thereby inducing an additional six weeks of winter. Unfortunately, our two agents were then immediately sucked into an endlessly repeating Groundhog Day loop reminiscent of that classic Bill Murray movie, “Ghostbusters,” so the poor saps weren’t able to enjoy the freezing weather like the rest of us. They never should have crossed the streams.

 

Well, readme is having a great winter. Having escaped the oppressive heat and Disney mascots (readme took a well-deserved vacation over winter break), readme was ecstatic to return to CMU and Pittsburgh’s fair weather. Because really, who doesn’t love this climate?

 

If readme May Stand on its Soapbox a Moment

Hey, readers. readme here. So readme usually tries to keep things light even with all the shit that goes on in the world. Because, you know, laughter’s the best medicine and all, stiff upper lip and whatever those British people say. Like, we crack jokes about how ISIS is a thing.

 

But the thing is, guys, ISIS is a thing. And it’s a thing that scares us a little, which is understandable given the extremity of their actions but maybe we’re not entirely using that fear productively? Like, a lot of that fear is being directed at American Muslims who aren’t affiliated with ISIS at all, which seems a bit unreasonable. Then again, America pretty much makes unreasonable paranoia into a national sport (see: swine flu, Putin reigniting the Cold War, ebola), so we really shouldn’t be surprised.

 

We also shouldn’t be surprised that patriotic fervor has reached a fever pitch with the release of American Sniper, a war biopic with the message that America is always right, even when it’s wrong. So now we have a cultural climate that is both patriotic and paranoid, a combination which historically has not worked out well for America or whomever they happen to be afraid of at the moment.

 

Take this guy, Craig Hicks, for example. Hicks is one of those super asshole atheists who spends all his time talking about how much better than you he is because he doesn’t practice religion. You know the type. He’s also super critical of Islam, in particular. Why he hates this particular religion out of all organized faiths is a mystery, but it probably has something to do with Hicks being a racist bigot.

 

Last week, he murdered three Muslim university students, execution-style, outside their place of residence in Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

 

Police have been “investigating” whether or not the shooting might have been an anti-Muslim hate crime, which seemed odd to readme because… yeah. Seems pretty obvious. But according to early media coverage, there was a fair chance everyone was blowing this whole thing out of proportion. It wasn’t a hate crime, Hicks was just arguing with them over a parking space and things got out of hand. Don’t we all just feel silly now for assuming?

 

Unsurprisingly, American Muslims were not terribly happy with the news coverage.

 

They also noted, in a twitter campaign that quickly went viral, that news stations were slow to pick up the story, and that once they did they were strangely reluctant to make any strong condemnations on the character of the man who murdered three of his neighbors. This probably had nothing to do with the fact that Hicks is white while his victims were not. …Yeah, even readme can’t write that with a straight face.

 

Sorry for the lack of jokes, dear readers. But sometimes a line’s gotta be drawn. We may be at war with ISIS (literally ‘may be’ at war. I don’t think anyone knows what’s going on with that), but we can’t let ourselves ignore the crimes that are committed on our own soil, against our own people, just because they don’t fit the patriotic narrative.

Area Man Sues Onion for Defamation

Area Man subsequently sues readme for representing him with this shitty stock photo.

Area Man subsequently sues readme for representing him with this shitty stock photo.

 

Since 1988, American satirical magazine The Onion has published hundreds upon hundreds of articles on the “Area Man.” Articles such as “Is Area Man Going to Finish Fries,” “Area Man Pretty Sure It’s Broken,” and “Area Man Could Eat” offer an endless supply of tired old gags that no sophisticated readme-like magazine would expect readers to enjoy. But area man Joe Sikspack, a 56-year old farmer from Kansas, isn’t laughing.

 

Last week, Sikspack filed one of the largest lawsuits in American history against The Onion and it’s parent company Tearful Media. Sikspack claims that the content of the area man articles are all based on incidents that occur in his daily life. He is asking for 45% of the company’s profits since it’s inception, a sum that amounts to nearly $35.

 

Earlier this week, readme sat down with Sikspack at his home in Imnotcrying-Youare, Kansas. “I knew they were talking about me the second I saw them articles,” Sikspack said. “Just look at these.” He pulled out a cardboard box of old articles. The box then collapsed, causing him to sigh that they just don’t make things like they used to. “‘Oh Wait, Area Man Not Paul,’ – I got mistaken for Paul last week at a grocery store dog fighting contest; ‘Area Man Pretty Loud at Guitar,’ – I blast my guitar at night to scare off gangs of homeless English majors (poor saps should’ve studied art history).”

 

Sikspack then realized he had lost something and swore that he had just seen it a minute ago. “See, the Onion uses fake names when writing the Area Man stuff cuz they don’t want you to know that the Area Man is always me.” readme expects that Onion readers will find this lack of originality unsurprising.  “I can’t wait till I put the run on these bastards,” said Sikpack. “This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me!” he exclaimed while throwing a poorly coordinated air punch to remind himself that he’s still got it.

 

readme also spoke to Onion executive Jonas Brothers, who recently relocated his office to a cardboard box in the heart of Chicago’s Magnificent Mile. “The Area Man articles have never about Mr. Sikspack,” said Brothers. He noted that no one on the Onion’s five person staff has even heard of Sikspack. “The Onion is a caring respectful organization that does its best to improve the local community. We have more employees in homeless shelters and soup kitchens than any other company in America. We also support small businesses. Just last year, the Onion stopped providing Internet access at its office, forcing staff to commute to coffee shops to do research, publishing, and recreational masturbation.” Before readme could get further commentary, a rabid hobo wielding a butcher’s knife cut through the walls of the box, forcing readme and Brothers to flee the premises.

“Super Bowl” Happens, Probably Not Important

readme’s not sure if you’re aware of this, folks, but on Sunday there was this little-known sporting event called the Super Bowl. We know, we know, you spent that night curled up in a cocoon in the computer lab working on your 251 homework and thus have no idea what went on in the outside world in your absence.

 

But never fear, readme has a solution, in the form of Super Bowl Mad-Libs! Simply fill in the blanks with the appropriate items and you, too, can pretend to be knowledgeable about the sportsball! Now, some might argue that since this article was written after the Super Bowl ended, readme could simply tell you what happened, but shut up. readme’s committed to this.

 

Mad-Libs for the game itself:

 

“Aw, man. Can you believe that <winning team> won the Superbowl? I was on the edge of my seat eating <greasy snackfood> the whole time. The game was so <one-sided/close, as appropriate> the whole time, I <did/didn’t> know who was going to come out on top!”

 

Mad-libs about the referees:

 

“Can you believe that call by the ref in the <pick a quarter> quarter? <player’s name> was obviously <off/not off>-sides! I was so mad I wanted to storm down to the field and <harmful physical action> the ref right in the <body part>.”

 

On the halftime show:

 

“I don’t know what they were thinking, getting <halftime performer you don’t particularly care for> to perform at halftime. Remember when we were watching <former halftime performer you liked better> or <other former halftime performer you don’t like as much, but who is a much bigger name and therefore grudgingly respectable> at halftime? Those were the days.”

 

On the playoffs in general:

 

“I still think <team who hasn’t had a chance at the Superbowl in years but you root for them out of a misguided sense of hometown camaraderie> should’ve done better than they did. Sure, it’s been <number> years since they had a decent showing, and they’ve still got <team’s current embarrassment> on the roster, but if they hadn’t lost to <team that most thoroughly trounced them this season> they’d have had a shot.”

 

On the commercials:


“There were commercials?”