Seriously, Science. Stop.

Scientists have recently come forward saying there may be more planets beyond Neptune in our solar system, with orbits too distant to be observed by conventional means but still orbiting around our sun. They came to this conclusion after analysis of what they refer to as “extreme trans-Neptunian objects” (or “ETNOs”), two of which had orbits that seemed more similar to those of planets than anything else.

 

If science will permit readme to don its “extreme trans-facial intelligence modifiers” (or “smart-person glasses”) for a moment, readme would like to say one thing: bullshit.

 

Now, readme knows what you’re thinking. A ninth, even tenth planet in the solar system? That sounds pretty cool. Why aren’t you excited to find out there might be more to our solar system than we previously imagined, readme? Let readme tell you why: readme is old, kids. It’s, like, twenty now. That’s positively ancient. You know readme was alive when VHS was a thing? And phones with actual buttons? readme could tell you stories, kid. Back in its day, we had to do our twitter hashtags by hand. Uphill. Both ways.


But the great thing about that you never have to be happy about change, ever. It’s like a rule or something. So as a wizened old twenty-year-old, let readme tell you something, science: back in readme’s day, we had a ninth planet. We called it Pluto. And you scientist took it away. So fuck you, scientists. readme doesn’t care how “extreme” your trans-Neptunian objects are, if they’re not Pluto you can go stick it where the sun don’t shine (on the far pole of Uranus, which due to its 98-degree axial tilt leaves each hemisphere facing away from the sun for periods of 42 years at a time).

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