Would You Like Salvation With That?

This is their actual logo. We did not make this up.
This is their actual logo. We did not make this up.

If one has been reading conservative news, it comes as no surprise that the influence of Christianity in America is waning. Kids today are just too busy playing their iPhones and their Snapchat to bother with religion, and even the threat of God sentencing them to eternal damnation isn’t enough to keep these kids in church. Thankfully, one man has found a solution to this problem by appealing to the only thing more powerful than God: corporations.

 

Paul Di Lucca, creative director of a ‘church branding agency’, has proposed enticing new audiences by building McDonald’s restaurants inside places of worship. Apparently, the reason Christians are turning from the faith is a lack of ‘innovation and design thinking within the Church community.’ Who better to turn to for innovative thinking than a restaurant whose entire appeal comes from the fact that all of its items are exactly the fucking same?

 

Many have objected to Di Lucca’s proposal on religious grounds, saying that it is somehow sacrilegious to sell fast food in church – mostly due to a few Bible verses about not selling fast food in church or whatever. And it does raise some pressing theological questions about how churches will adjust if this merger goes through. Will officials still consider Ronald McDonald a false idol, or will he be considered a manifestation of the holy spirit? Will Communion wafers be replaced by a 6-pack of crispy McNuggets? What about the blood of Christ–will it be available in ketchup, barbecue, and zesty ranch? And just what level of hell will readme get sent to when it dies for making these jokes?

 

Of course, before we can all start making the sign of the cross with our potato fries, the project still has to get funded. Di Lucca launched an official kickstarter on November 17 with a goal of raising $1,000,000. By the following week, they had only managed $104. However, readme is pleased to announce that by December the project had more than doubled their previous funds for a grand total of…$217. Hrm.

 

Look. Guys. readme doesn’t want to criticize your funding methods here, but a guy made $10,000 off a kickstarter for potato salad, of all things. Potato salad. Something has gone horribly awry in your marketing strategy if you’re losing out to potato salad. We’d say that maybe people just don’t want to pay to put a soulless corporation in the place meant to save their eternal soul…but that’s just ridiculous.

 

Maybe if you had some better perks. Right now, all you’ve got are $32 shirts and offers of your ‘undying gratitude’, which is nice and all, but how much is that worth, really? Surely there are some more marketable religious favors you could offer to backers. We’re not saying you guys should bring back indulgences…but you guys should bring back indulgences. Nobody want to pay $32 for a T-shirt.

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