Existential Angst Solution to Fuel Crisis


In an era of Nobel prize-winning, entrepreneurial, prodigy teenagers, one millennial has taken her disillusioned outlook on life and made it worth something.


Maxine Smith, a 16-year-old high school student who likes to write free verse poetry in her spare time, has successfully converted her existential dread into environmentally-friendly fuel for cars.


“You know, I was having like, a midlife crisis or something,” Smith said. “All these people my age, like, doing these big things, and I’m just sitting here reading Kafka instead of, you know, writing Kafka or something.”


After spending almost an entire month in despair, contemplating her future academic career and the fate of humankind, Smith was inspired by a blog post she saw online about four teenage girls creating a way to convert urine into fuel.


“I figured, like, yeah, I could take something we have a lot of and make it useful,” Smith said. “We have enough clean water here in the United States, I think, so that urine-to-electricity generator isn’t in that high of demand.” readme realized that she probably doesn’t live in the American Southwest. “Like, so many of us care about the future, though, so I figured, what about this, like, existential dread?”


Smith’s invention may be a breakthrough, as millennials all around the country have no idea what to do with their lives, but truly have ambitions to change the world. Their angst had previously been used as fuel only for rants on tumblr and other blogging sites.


Experts suggest that this new fuel may reduce America’s reliance on foreign energy. Historically, the United States depended almost exclusively on the French for its supplies of ennui. However, in recent years, domestic production of existential-crises has increased exponentially, making the US one of the top suppliers in the world.


We reached out to several of Smith’s colleagues for comment, but we received only two anonymous responses: one, a poorly written string of expletives and conspiracy theories; and the other, “Well, now you can get from A to B, but what’s the point?”

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