CMU Prepares for Cocoa Shortage, Finals

Somewhere inside Wean...
Somewhere inside Wean…

We at readme know that finals are coming up and that you may already be in a fragile state. Unfortunately, we have some more bad news. Brace yourselves.


Mars Inc. and Barry Callebaut, two of the world’s largest chocolatiers (yes, that’s a real word. readme now knows what it wants to be when it grows up), issued a frightening report last month: We are consuming far more chocolate than is being produced. 70,000 metric tons more, to be precise. And the deficit is only rising, as analysts predict a shortage of 1 million metric tons by 2020.


readme reached out to students on-campus to see what they thought of the oncoming lack of chocolate. “OMG, that’s terrible! That’s, like, the second-worst thing that could ever happen!” What could be the first? readme wondered, but the student had already made off, talking to his friend about how having a final on the last day possible was the worst thing that could happen. “Now I have to wait a whole extra week to get out of Pittsburgh!” Another student was already thinking ahead: “What am I supposed to drown my post-final sorrows in, if not an Ultimate Brownie from the Underground or a chocolate shake from Skibo?”


However, during one of our interviews, readme was overheard by a dining services representative. He quickly hushed readme, and then glanced quickly in both directions to ascertain that the coast was clear. We were then blindfolded, spun in a circle three times, and led through a maze of passages and down several staircases. readme guessed the final destination was somewhere deep within the bowels of the Wean-Doherty complex. When our blindfold was removed, we saw something wonderful.


Mountains upon mountains of chocolates were stockpiled in all their glorious wonder. From concrete wall to concrete wall, chocolates of all varieties made their home. readme spotted a few giant chocolate bunnies in the back. “We’ve known about the shortage for some time now,” the Dining Services representative confided. “Most of our resources have been put towards ensuring that we’ll have enough to last for the foreseeable future. The emphasis that President Suresh is putting on fundraising? It’s so we can get more chocolate before it’s all gone.”


Seeing that the conspiracy goes deep, readme decided to dig a little deeper. What it found was shocking: Stopping climate change is all in order to save the cacao trees. The mainstream climate scientists actually are misrepresenting their goals, which means that climate change skeptics are right about at least one thing. “We want to cut back on fossil fuels, not because we care about the environment, but because we care about our chocolate. The droughts in West Africa are devastating the cacao crop, and we think climate change could be a possible factor,” an internal memo of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change reads. The heading was also slightly different: IPCC stood for “Intergovernmental Panel on Chocolate Creation.”

In short, actions are being taken to prevent chocolate from going the way of the dodo. And, hey, there’s always white chocolate, right? No, wait, I was joking, now please put that flamingo down and don’t shove it where you were thinking of shoving it.

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