CMU Prepares for Cocoa Shortage, Finals

Somewhere inside Wean...

Somewhere inside Wean…

We at readme know that finals are coming up and that you may already be in a fragile state. Unfortunately, we have some more bad news. Brace yourselves.

 

Mars Inc. and Barry Callebaut, two of the world’s largest chocolatiers (yes, that’s a real word. readme now knows what it wants to be when it grows up), issued a frightening report last month: We are consuming far more chocolate than is being produced. 70,000 metric tons more, to be precise. And the deficit is only rising, as analysts predict a shortage of 1 million metric tons by 2020.

 

readme reached out to students on-campus to see what they thought of the oncoming lack of chocolate. “OMG, that’s terrible! That’s, like, the second-worst thing that could ever happen!” What could be the first? readme wondered, but the student had already made off, talking to his friend about how having a final on the last day possible was the worst thing that could happen. “Now I have to wait a whole extra week to get out of Pittsburgh!” Another student was already thinking ahead: “What am I supposed to drown my post-final sorrows in, if not an Ultimate Brownie from the Underground or a chocolate shake from Skibo?”

 

However, during one of our interviews, readme was overheard by a dining services representative. He quickly hushed readme, and then glanced quickly in both directions to ascertain that the coast was clear. We were then blindfolded, spun in a circle three times, and led through a maze of passages and down several staircases. readme guessed the final destination was somewhere deep within the bowels of the Wean-Doherty complex. When our blindfold was removed, we saw something wonderful.

 

Mountains upon mountains of chocolates were stockpiled in all their glorious wonder. From concrete wall to concrete wall, chocolates of all varieties made their home. readme spotted a few giant chocolate bunnies in the back. “We’ve known about the shortage for some time now,” the Dining Services representative confided. “Most of our resources have been put towards ensuring that we’ll have enough to last for the foreseeable future. The emphasis that President Suresh is putting on fundraising? It’s so we can get more chocolate before it’s all gone.”

 

Seeing that the conspiracy goes deep, readme decided to dig a little deeper. What it found was shocking: Stopping climate change is all in order to save the cacao trees. The mainstream climate scientists actually are misrepresenting their goals, which means that climate change skeptics are right about at least one thing. “We want to cut back on fossil fuels, not because we care about the environment, but because we care about our chocolate. The droughts in West Africa are devastating the cacao crop, and we think climate change could be a possible factor,” an internal memo of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change reads. The heading was also slightly different: IPCC stood for “Intergovernmental Panel on Chocolate Creation.”


In short, actions are being taken to prevent chocolate from going the way of the dodo. And, hey, there’s always white chocolate, right? No, wait, I was joking, now please put that flamingo down and don’t shove it where you were thinking of shoving it.

Things No One Said When They Saw the New Star Wars Trailer

“That lightsaber looks incredibly practical.”

“Needs more Jar Jar.”

“The plot looks deep and engrossing.”

“The robot totally doesn’t look like a soccer ball.”

“I hope they include the great acting and dialogue the series is known for.”

“I’m so glad Disney retconned away the entire expanded universe.”

“If only Michael Bay could have directed it.”

“They should have Shia LaBeouf play Han Solo’s son.”

“This thing better have pod races.”

“I hope there’s a long, unwieldy romance that takes up half the movie.”

“The book was better.”

“Star Wars/Frozen crossover!!!”

“I love the overuse of lens flare.”

“No trade embargoes?! But those were the best part!”

“I hope Anakin makes a return–he was the most likeable character.”

“I can’t wait for the George Lucas Special Edition.”

“Oh, hey, a villain with a red lightsaber. That’s new.”

“That trailer was so informative.”

“I hope J.J. Abrams sets this film in an alternate timeline again. No way that’ll piss off the fans.”

We Basically Just Want Finals Week to be Over

While finals week draws closer and closer, few students, other than the seniors, know that those grueling exams used to spread throughout one and a half weeks. It was only until recently that the University Registrar decided to cram (hah see what readme did there?) all the exams into one week by arranging some on Sunday. readme has learned that the Student Government has proposed a new finals week schedule that will dramatically reduce the number of days exams take. “The new schedule allows everyone to finish all of their exams in two days.” said Mr. Iwant A. Holiday, the president of the Student Government. “Given that most students only have less than six classes every semester, we think it’s possible to fit all the exams in two days while keeping each exam three hours long. The only downside of that is that you will die from anxiety, sleep deprivation and caffeine overdose. But we think it’s OK. I mean our hearts are already given to the work anyway,” said Mr. Holiday. Of course, this kind of radical change to the academic calendar is very concerning to readme. When asked how to avoid class conflicts, Mr. Holiday responded: “In order to make it work, we propose that instead of going to a different classroom for each class that has a final exam, students will stay at one location for two days. At each exam period, students will receive an exam packet from one of their classes. In other words, in the same classroom there will be students from different classes taking different exams at the same time. It’s kind of similar to the SAT, but way crazier. We also plan to distribute sleeping bags so that students don’t have to leave their desks during finals week. “

Another change that the Student Government proposes is to move finals week to before Thanksgiving break. “We feel that it’s bad to have only one week of classes between Thanksgiving break and finals week. A lot of students didn’t go home for Thanksgiving because it’s not worth it to travel twice in such short period of time. So we were thinking instead we’d just let people finish their last two weeks of classes while taking their finals. At this point, we might as well, and that way students can truly relax at home for Thanksgiving and feed themselves to their hearts content without worrying about being judged,” said Mr. Holiday. The proposal will be discussed in the upcoming town hall meeting and voted on next year. The administration has assured readme it will actually read the proposal instead of throwing it straight in the shredder this time.

Hiding Problems is the Best Medicine

A recent medical breakthrough has given new hope to individuals suffering from height dysphoria. Height dysphoria, a type of body dysmorphia, causes sufferers to experience a loss of self-esteem due to how they perceive their own height. Individuals suffering from height dysphoria have until now often resorted to painful and controversial surgery to increase their height. But this new study has given them hope.

 

The controversy behind these surgeries comes from the fact that they more closely resemble a Medieval torture method than a genuine medical procedure. Patients seeking to have their height increased have their leg bones broken in half and implanted with a device that slowly pulls the bone apart. To be fair, this is still way less painful than wearing high heels. With that said, many have been discouraged from seeking this procedure due to the fact that it costs tens of thousands of dollars and takes at least three months to complete. That it involves literally tearing your bones apart from the inside is also considered a drawback by some.

 

Thankfully, doctors in Argentina have pioneered a new method that lacks these perceived faults. Dr. Peter Igorich, president of the International Society for Really, Really Tall People, has spearheaded the campaign to find a better alternative to this costly, painful surgery.

 

“Most patients who request the surgery share the same problem with height dysphoria,” Igorich said. “So we decided to tackle the root of the problem.”

 

readme asked if that meant Igorich intended to launch some sort of grassroots campaign to redefine the way our culture perceives height, replacing the ‘taller is better’ message with one that celebrates individuals regardless of their stature. “Seems like a lot of work,” Igorich said. “We were just going to do this other thing.”

 

“We literally just put a paper bag on the patient’s head,” Igorich’s assistant, Dr. Bloomingdale said. “Literally just a brown paper bag. They can’t see themselves. Or anything really, but that’s the point.”

 

“It’s a surefire way to prevent body dysmorphia in general, actually,” Igorich said. “It’s non-invasive and inexpensive. We’ve already begun to offer this alternative treatment to some patients.” When readme asked how these patients responded to the treatment, Igorich replied, “Oh, yeah, they’re really happy with the rules. At least, we think they are. Hard to tell with the bag in the way.”

 

Dr. Igorich and his team are to speak at the Global Health Conference in 2015 to share their findings. They report high hopes that the brown-bag method will become the globally prescribed cure to height dysphoria and other body dysmorphic disorders, despite its potential to induce panic attacks in claustrophobic users.


readme tried to point out that the method wasn’t really curing anything, and the bag doesn’t actually get rid of the source of the dysmorphia. Igorich, however, shoved a bag over readme’s head before it could finish its sentence.

Existential Angst Solution to Fuel Crisis

gas

In an era of Nobel prize-winning, entrepreneurial, prodigy teenagers, one millennial has taken her disillusioned outlook on life and made it worth something.

 

Maxine Smith, a 16-year-old high school student who likes to write free verse poetry in her spare time, has successfully converted her existential dread into environmentally-friendly fuel for cars.

 

“You know, I was having like, a midlife crisis or something,” Smith said. “All these people my age, like, doing these big things, and I’m just sitting here reading Kafka instead of, you know, writing Kafka or something.”

 

After spending almost an entire month in despair, contemplating her future academic career and the fate of humankind, Smith was inspired by a blog post she saw online about four teenage girls creating a way to convert urine into fuel.

 

“I figured, like, yeah, I could take something we have a lot of and make it useful,” Smith said. “We have enough clean water here in the United States, I think, so that urine-to-electricity generator isn’t in that high of demand.” readme realized that she probably doesn’t live in the American Southwest. “Like, so many of us care about the future, though, so I figured, what about this, like, existential dread?”

 

Smith’s invention may be a breakthrough, as millennials all around the country have no idea what to do with their lives, but truly have ambitions to change the world. Their angst had previously been used as fuel only for rants on tumblr and other blogging sites.

 

Experts suggest that this new fuel may reduce America’s reliance on foreign energy. Historically, the United States depended almost exclusively on the French for its supplies of ennui. However, in recent years, domestic production of existential-crises has increased exponentially, making the US one of the top suppliers in the world.

 

We reached out to several of Smith’s colleagues for comment, but we received only two anonymous responses: one, a poorly written string of expletives and conspiracy theories; and the other, “Well, now you can get from A to B, but what’s the point?”

Recent Developments in “The War on Christmas”

UNSC approves NATO military action against Christmas, citing the holiday’s several acts of preemptive aggression against Yule, Thanksgiving, and Hanukkah

 

God Speaks Out: Divine support for the Christmas supporters

Festivus Pole is revealed to subsist entirely on a diet of Christmas trees

 

Santa’s hunger strike at Gitmo enters its third week

 

Russia increases missile-toe stockpiles; President warns of dangers of missile-toe gap

 

Candlelight vigil at the Clock in honor of the horrific casualties suffered by the Salvation Army

 

Obama “Too Lenient” in War on Christmas

 

In strange reversal, conservatives with flowers and peace signs are protesting war efforts


North Pole in Coalition Hands, elf sectarian violence at acceptable levels. “Mission Accomplished.”

Uninformative, Pun-Filled Headline

Caption commenting on poorly-photoshopped picture only tangentially related to the article itself.

Caption commenting on poorly-photoshopped picture only tangentially related to the article itself.

Sentence introducing topic for those living in the college bubble. Idiotic and ridiculous angle on said topic. Continued defense of it. Moronic rhetorical question?

 

Introduction of quotable person through unnecessarily and uncomfortable reveals of information. “Quote explaining why the idiotic position may not be entirely idiotic,” says quoted person. “Follow-up quote that demonstrates the actual idiocy of the idiotic position.” readme does something humorous.

 

Introduction of another quotable person. This one may have a punny name or referential name that few will “get.” When asked for his/her/it/thing’s opinion, it said “Something even more ridiculous than was said before.” Another person with a more serious-sounding name, who says, “Straight man line that ought to be read out loud with a commanding tone, or else a pipsqueak’s squeal, if angling for irony.” The project/event/occurrence is something interesting.

 

Wrap-up of things said on the idiotic topic which for some reason is still being written about. Funny references of the previous quotes and positions, in case you were not paying attention earlier. Humorous final line. Immediate retraction.

Would You Like Salvation With That?

This is their actual logo. We did not make this up.

This is their actual logo. We did not make this up.

If one has been reading conservative news, it comes as no surprise that the influence of Christianity in America is waning. Kids today are just too busy playing their iPhones and their Snapchat to bother with religion, and even the threat of God sentencing them to eternal damnation isn’t enough to keep these kids in church. Thankfully, one man has found a solution to this problem by appealing to the only thing more powerful than God: corporations.

 

Paul Di Lucca, creative director of a ‘church branding agency’, has proposed enticing new audiences by building McDonald’s restaurants inside places of worship. Apparently, the reason Christians are turning from the faith is a lack of ‘innovation and design thinking within the Church community.’ Who better to turn to for innovative thinking than a restaurant whose entire appeal comes from the fact that all of its items are exactly the fucking same?

 

Many have objected to Di Lucca’s proposal on religious grounds, saying that it is somehow sacrilegious to sell fast food in church – mostly due to a few Bible verses about not selling fast food in church or whatever. And it does raise some pressing theological questions about how churches will adjust if this merger goes through. Will officials still consider Ronald McDonald a false idol, or will he be considered a manifestation of the holy spirit? Will Communion wafers be replaced by a 6-pack of crispy McNuggets? What about the blood of Christ–will it be available in ketchup, barbecue, and zesty ranch? And just what level of hell will readme get sent to when it dies for making these jokes?

 

Of course, before we can all start making the sign of the cross with our potato fries, the project still has to get funded. Di Lucca launched an official kickstarter on November 17 with a goal of raising $1,000,000. By the following week, they had only managed $104. However, readme is pleased to announce that by December the project had more than doubled their previous funds for a grand total of…$217. Hrm.

 

Look. Guys. readme doesn’t want to criticize your funding methods here, but a guy made $10,000 off a kickstarter for potato salad, of all things. Potato salad. Something has gone horribly awry in your marketing strategy if you’re losing out to potato salad. We’d say that maybe people just don’t want to pay to put a soulless corporation in the place meant to save their eternal soul…but that’s just ridiculous.

 

Maybe if you had some better perks. Right now, all you’ve got are $32 shirts and offers of your ‘undying gratitude’, which is nice and all, but how much is that worth, really? Surely there are some more marketable religious favors you could offer to backers. We’re not saying you guys should bring back indulgences…but you guys should bring back indulgences. Nobody want to pay $32 for a T-shirt.

Frozen Sequel Confirmed, Frozen 2: Let it Boogaloo

New Product Marketing

New Product Marketing

In a completely conclusive and objectively correct statement, Frozen star Idina Menzel told The Telegraph on Sunday that a Frozen sequel is “in the works.” Regardless of the clearly negligible uncertainties present in the field of cinema, the entire world seems to have been overcome with hype for Frozen’s non-frozen future.

 

The sequel, which will most likely be named Frozen 2: Let It Boogaloo, will deal with the emergence of Anna’s powers over fire and her subsequent induction into the X-Men. The film will stand as a prequel to the upcoming X-Men: Age of Apocalypse and will star Patrick Stewart and James McAvoy, who will be reprising their roles as Professor Xavier.

 

Test audiences have reported concerns over the sequel’s production. “I dunno,” said one anonymous wannabe critic. “It just feels like the last movie wrapped things up pretty well.

 

“I’m not saying that it’s a blind money grab or anything,” she went on. “I just feel like there’s a real potential here to jump the shark. I’d love to see Hugh Jackman in Arendelle and all, but I can’t help but fear that the producers might be all too happy to ride on the last one’s coattails. Do we really need another Cars 2?”

 

The directors of the original Frozen could not be reached for comment on Let It Boogaloo, as they were too busy being swarmed beneath an avalanche of six-year-olds screaming for Elsa toys.

 

Other Frozen projects are still in the works. Alongside a possible live-action ice skating show, the Frozen IP has plans for a line of frozen, Frozen-inspired hamburgers to be sold at the Magic Kingdom in Disney World. The burgers’ packaging will bear the tagline: “They can only be thawed by the power of love – and your parents’ microwave!”

 

Following the success of the appearance of Elsa and Anna on the popular show Once Upon A Time, Disney has also decided to contract out its popular princesses to other shows, including Spongebob Squarepants, Archer, and Sherlock. In a stronger push for Elsafication, the Magic Kingdom will now feature a “Meet Santa!” booth at the corner of every avenue, with each Santa played by an Elsa cosplayer.

 

An investigation of further sequels, such as “Frozen 3: Still Frozen” and “Frozen 4: Not Another Land Before Time Sequel,” returned positive, but inconclusive results.