We’ve covered this topic before, as have many of those worthy to be considered our peers: Stephen Colbert, the Onion, Jon Stewart, Clickhole, and John Oliver, to name a few. Just recently, Obama decided to weigh in on the issue. However, the debate still felt like it was missing something. Thankfully, Senator Ted Cruz was there to provide us with yet another gem of political wisdom, from the usual source of political wisdom these days: Twitter.
“Net Neutrality is Obamacare for the Internet. The Internet should not operate at the speed of government,” he tweeted, presumably following them up with hashtags like #obamacaresucks and #someonepleasepayattentiontome. Numerous commentators tried to explain to Cruz that net neutrality is actually not like Obamacare, but maybe what Cruz meant was that the two are similar in that Obama cares about both.
Cruz’s spokeswoman issued a follow up tweet to clarify their position: “Net neutrality puts gov’t in charge of determining pricing, terms of service, and what products can be delivered. Sound like Obamacare much?” If by that she means that the government determines that prices have to be fair, terms of service can’t be tilted in anyone’s favor, and that the products have to be genuine, yeah, it does vaguely sound like Obamacare. Also like a thing we kind of need.
Because seriously, these are cable companies we’re talking about here. Remember what happened a while back between Netflix and Comcast. Under the current, non-net-neutral rules, Comcast gets to charge content providers like Netflix for being on the Internet. But during negotiations, a strange thing happened. Comcast users began to notice Netflix videos took an unusually long time to load. This slow-down only happened to customers using Comcast, and only when they were watching Netflix. Completely by coincidence, readme is sure. And when Netflix agreed to Comcast’s prices, loading speeds returned to normal. Also probably a complete coincidence.
Such shakedowns would be banned under net neutrality. readme would explain to you why, except that net neutrality is so damn boring readme fell asleep trying to explakfghdvzfuhs. Sorry about that, readme just fell asleep on its keyboard while trying to explain how it couldn’t explain net neutrality. That’s how boring it is.
Internet providers want to convince us that net neutrality is a bad thing, and comparing it to Obamacare is an easy way to do that. But as we saw with Netflix, if net neutrality is like Obamacare, companies like Comcast are like that one douchebaggy insurance guy from the Incredibles who got thrown through a wall.
Knowing all this, readme almost wanted to think that Cruz was actually in support of both Obamacare and net neutrality, and this was just his way of showing it. Unfortunately, this is probably not the case. Cruz is of the top contenders for the Republican presidential race in 2016, which basically means he’s been putting forth a lot of presidential-sounding platforms and paying a lot of attention to Iowa (they vote first, which makes them just the best).
Along with the other 32 candidates the GOP is eyeing (March Madness will now be death-matches between aging white men, get your fantasy teams ready!), Cruz appears to be strengthening his supporter base by negating anything Obama says. It wasn’t until Obama officially came out in support of net neutrality that Cruz came out against it. Voters like that shit. Our current president may be on the way out, but it seems like his motto is going to stick around. Only this time it’s the Republicans who are crying for “Change!”