Monster Energy Drink Work of the Devil

We in America have a long history of accusing things of Satanism based on the flimsiest of evidence. At this point, it’s practically a national pastime to find ways to link a thing we hate to the devil (ed: ‘666 degrees of Kevin Bacon’?). The latest target is Monster brand energy drink, otherwise known as the only thing keeping you awake through finals.


An unknown woman helpfully connected the dots of the drink company’s Satanic ties in a YouTube video that went viral this Sunday called, quote, “MONSTER energy drinks are the work of SATAN!!!”. It’s the multiple exclamation points that really clue you in to the work’s credibility.


Her evidence is incontrovertible: the three lines in the stylized ‘M’ logo, the woman claims, each correspond perfectly (and by ‘perfectly’, we mean they’re sort of the same shape) to the Hebrew version of the number 6, making the full logo read as 666. Furthermore, the word ‘MONSTER’ on the can has a hidden cross inside of the ‘O’, which–get this–becomes inverted when the can is turned upside-down. Which is just wow. Talk about a cunning Satanist conspiracy, hiding their upside-down crosses by turning them rightside-up.


readme is totally convinced, you guys. Thank you, nameless Christian woman, readme is so grateful to you for opening its eyes. In fact, readme would like to return the favor here by pointing out a few other secret Satanists hidden in your midst. You may have noticed that certain subsets of the population wear necklaces with crosses attached to them. And I know what you’re thinking, those are obviously just Christians, but get this. When those necklaces are turned upside-down, the crosses become inverted. Same with crucifixes! The only safe crosses are the ones physically bolted into an upright position, and even then readme would bet those nails were just put there by the devil to confuse us.


It should be noted that Monster is not the only energy drink to be receiving its share of controversy in recent times. Red Bull has been coming under fire after a group of college students levied a lawsuit claiming the energy drink “gave [them] wings”. The FDA’s investigation into the drink’s alleged mutagenic properties is still currently ongoing, but preliminary results do not bode well for the company.


But could there be more to this story than a perfectly innocent case of a company turning its customers into hideous freaks of nature just to pull off some overly literal advertising. Could Red Bull really be the work of…THE DEVIL?!?! To find out, readme consulted with its own uber-religious conspiracy theorist, Revelation Jones. “Oh, definitely,” said Jones. “There’s just so much proof. The red bull logo has horns, just like the devil. Also, it’s red, and I’m pretty sure red is an evil color. The evidence just keeps piling up, man.”

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