Midterm Voters Possessed by Spirits of Roosevelt, Reagan

The Power of Reagan Compels You!
The Power of Reagan Compels You!

A horde of post-election analysis has followed the midterm elections of last Tuesday, in which voters largely voted for Republican candidates and Democratic issues. While Republicans gained several seats both the Senate and House of Representatives, a majority of voters also threw their support behind liberal issues such as the legalization of marijuana and a higher minimum wage.

 

Political analysts have gleefully leapt to discuss this apparent crisis of identity. Uneducated voters, poorly advertised campaigns, and secret Illuminati plots have all been proposed as explanations to this political paradox. One Californian man, however, believes that he has uncovered the secret behind the situation.

 

“All the Democrats have been possessed by the wrathful spirit of Ronald Reagan, and the wandering ghost of Franklin Roosevelt has done the same to the Republicans,” said Dr. Lib, a registered Democrat voter who has identified the conservative ghost in the back of his mind as one Mr. Rep. “It’s pretty obvious, really. Dunno why nobody else has picked up on it.”

 

This supernatural theory was corroborated by American pop star, Miley Cyrus, who, on the morning following Election Day, posted the following tweet: “woke up hungover wtf happened yesterday #yolo #lol”.

 

A member of the local Ghostbusters chapter informed readme that “symptoms following a demonic or ghostly possession can often resemble the symptoms of a hangover: sunken eyes, loss of memory, a reduced appetite, head pain, and an unfortunate resemblance to Macaulay Culkin.”

 

“Exactly,” Dr. Lib said, when contacted for additional information. “See? Even celebrities are being affected. It’s all right there in front of our faces. There’s no other explanation.”

 

Political experts have commented on a rise in moderate politics and economically conservative, yet socially liberal voters. However, Dr. Lib scoffed at the idea.

 

“Dems voting for red candidates? Republicans voting for liberal issues? It’s ridiculous. How the heck would anyone voluntarily vote for a cause or candidate that didn’t completely match up with their worldview? Madness. I wouldn’t want to live in a world like that.

 

“No,” Lib went on. “Demonic possession makes much more sense. And you just know that, with all of the religious devotion Reagan gets these days from conservatives, at least one person has got to have sacrificed a donkey heart, spoken the Antifederalist Litany, the whole shebang.”

 

Attempts to contact members of the Illuminati and Freemasons on the resurrection of Franklin Roosevelt’s vengeful spirit were, sadly, unsuccessful.

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