In an attempt to stay ahead of potential terrorist threats, DARPA has approached several CMU clubs for assistance.
With the rise of sports like combat juggling (but seriously, this is a thing), they wanted assistance from the Masters of Flying Objects. The CMU Juggling Club has been tasked with keeping our borders safe from murderous carnies as viewed in the documentary American Horror Story. Because jugglers’ plastic clubs do not show up on air port metal detectors., DARPA scientists found it worthwhile to observe the activities of the CMU Jugglers over the summer.
One day, without warning, a helicopter drone rose above Gates like Darth Vader. Its sensors locked on the group’s clubs and plucked them out of the air with its gatling guns. Molten plastic and wooden shards rained down on the unsuspecting jugglers. The Vice President of Masters of Flying Objects, Nancy Nosebleed, was despon-
“Now I know what they wouldn’t let us use Rango’s. They wanted to force us outside for target practice. How could our government just rain death from the sky on innocent people?” She angrily waved a charred plastic stump of a juggling club.
“I can’t afford to buy new clubs every week. And the local shop only sells airflights. Only crazy people use air flights. We only wanted a room with a high ceilings, is that too much to ask?”
To combat potential Arial attacks from witches the DARPA Team contacted our very own Quidditch Team, the Marauders. The DARPA Team spent the summer observing the Marauders as they practiced on the Cut. In late July, broom wielding players began to disappear from the playing field leaving only a smoking crater to mark their presence.
“We just wanted to do our part as Americans.” stated Harry Planter, team captain. “Why would they fire on our Golden Snitch with a death laser. Stacy was the finest snitch in the league. She let us paint her gold and made a wing beating sound with her mouth. Where are we going to find another undergrad with that kind of talent?”
When reached for comment Eric Holder was at first surprised that no one wanted his job. “I have great benefits and fly around everywhere in a helicopter. What is not to like?”
When pressed further he cited long standing tradition. “Carnegie Mellon has never had a problem working with the U.S. government before. What’s the difference between helping the NSA with cryptography and helping us with target practice?”
‘We would have practiced on Pitt Students. Unfortunately they lack a jugglingclub and their Quidditch Team is terrible. My six year old niece moves faster than their seeker.”