Choose Your Own Weather Report!

It's as good a guess as any, really.

It’s as good a guess as any, really.

Predicting the weather is hard, you guys. It’s even harder when you’re a biweekly news publication with no experience in meteorology whatsoever trying to write a funny article about weather in Pittsburgh that won’t be immediately rendered obsolete when winter finally hits. So readme’s decided to beat the system. Instead of making one prediction that will inevitably be proven wrong and make our readers hate us, readme has instead decided to predict ALL THE WEATHERS! So take your pick, and decide for yourself what the future holds.

 

Weather Forecast: Sunny.

 

Well, Pittsburgh, looks like winter has come and gone. Thank god for global warming, because it’s a balmy seventy-five degrees outside with not a cloud in the sky. Rainbows have been appearing out of nowhere all day and the sun is literally smiling at you. In fact, the whether is so good, it’s impossible for anything bad to happen, because science. That test last week you bombed? Totally won’t impact your GPA in any way. In fact, all of your midterms and finals have been canceled, and your professors have decided to give you all A’s. Everything is perfect, forever, and nothing about this will ever change.

 

Weather Forecast: Cloudy

 

Where’s global warming when you need it? It’s a cloudy day today, just like it’s been for the past week, and the temperature has remained at a frustrating constant of too cold for your light jacket, but not cold enough to pull your winter coat out of storage. The lack of sun is also having adverse effects on the time-space continuum, making all of your classes feel five times longer than they actually are while cutting your naptime down by half. To combat the inevitable feeling of ennui, readme’s medical experts recommend staring listlessly out your window while procrastinating on doing any actual work. Your professors will totally understand, and will absolutely not give you zeroes.

 

Weather Forecast: Cold

 

Looks like the actual weather people were right about this one. An arctic super-cyclone just swept through the city, bringing with it all the cold we’d managed to avoid these last two months, as well as a deluge of rain, sleet, and memes of Elsa from Frozen. We’ve had hail the size of golf balls, golf balls the size of hail, and so much ice that you’ll never get the salt off your shoes. Overnight, five feet of snow spontaneously dropped onto CMU campus, forcing students to cut open their Tauntauns’ bellies and snuggle inside for warmth. Classes have not been canceled.

 

Forecast: Apocalypse

 

Well, looks like the Christians were finally right about that end of the world. Everyone’s been Raptured and all that remains is a fiery wasteland populated by hordes of the damned. Temperatures are expected to reach highs of 666 degrees Celsius with a chance of hellfire raining from the skies. Those with sensitive skin are recommended to remain indoors to avoid the risk of roaming demons making a coat from your pelt. Classes have not been canceled.

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