Presidents Less Racist than Obama (according to Ben Stein)

Ben Stein, a political commentator and actor in your favorite childhood movies, recently gave an appearance on Fox News calling Obama ‘the most racist president America has ever had’. His reasoning? That Obama insists on bringing race into completely non-race-related events like Ferguson or the shooting of Trayvon Martin. This makes him way more racist than any president ever, without exception.

 

So, for your edification, readme would like to present an abridged list of presidents who are far, far less racist than President Obama, because as we all know calling out racism is the biggest bigotry of them all.

 

George Washington: nicknamed ‘Town-Destroyer’ by Native American tribes for his part in the genocide of their people.

 

Thomas Jefferson: had an affair of dubious consent with one of his hundreds of slaves, only ever freed slaves with significant white ancestry.

 

Andrew Jackson: enacted the forced relocation of thousands of Native Americans that would later be known as the Trail of Tears.

 

Abraham Lincoln: was originally going to keep slavery legal so as not to offend the South, only pursued emancipation once war was already inevitable.

 

William McKinley: an active force in the racial segregation of the government.

 

Teddy Roosevelt: supporter of a eugenics advocate who believed mixed-race families were destroying America.

 

Woodrow Wilson: pushed for bills banning mixed-race marriage.

 

Franklin Roosevelt: enacted legislation preventing poor black families from getting stable home loans, authorized mass internment of Japanese-American citizens.

 

Harry Truman: joined the KKK to help his chances at a local election.

CMU Clubs Help DARPA With Drone Testing

For Gondor!!!!

For Gondor!!!!

In an attempt to stay ahead of potential terrorist threats, DARPA has approached several CMU clubs for assistance.

With the rise of sports like combat juggling (but seriously, this is a thing), they wanted assistance from the Masters of Flying Objects. The CMU Juggling Club has been tasked with keeping our borders safe from murderous carnies as viewed in the documentary American Horror Story. Because jugglers’ plastic clubs do not show up on air port metal detectors., DARPA scientists found it worthwhile to observe the activities of the CMU Jugglers over the summer.

One day, without warning, a helicopter drone rose above Gates like Darth Vader. Its sensors locked on the group’s clubs and plucked them out of the air with its gatling guns. Molten plastic and wooden shards rained down on the unsuspecting jugglers. The Vice President of Masters of Flying Objects, Nancy Nosebleed, was despon-

dent.

“Now I know what they wouldn’t let us use Rango’s. They wanted to force us outside for target practice. How could our government just rain death from the sky on innocent people?” She angrily waved a charred plastic stump of a juggling club.

“I can’t afford to buy new clubs every week. And the local shop only sells airflights. Only crazy people use air flights. We only wanted a room with a high ceilings, is that too much to ask?”

To combat potential Arial attacks from witches the DARPA Team contacted our very own Quidditch Team, the Marauders. The DARPA Team spent the summer observing the Marauders as they practiced on the Cut. In late July, broom wielding players began to disappear from the playing field leaving only a smoking crater to mark their presence.

“We just wanted to do our part as Americans.” stated Harry Planter, team captain. “Why would they fire on our Golden Snitch with a death laser. Stacy was the finest snitch in the league. She let us paint her gold and made a wing beating sound with her mouth. Where are we going to find another undergrad with that kind of talent?”

When reached for comment Eric Holder was at first surprised that no one wanted his job. “I have great benefits and fly around everywhere in a helicopter. What is not to like?”

When pressed further he cited long standing tradition. “Carnegie Mellon has never had a problem working with the U.S. government before. What’s the difference between helping the NSA with cryptography and helping us with target practice?”

‘We would have practiced on Pitt Students. Unfortunately they lack a jugglingclub and their Quidditch Team is terrible. My six year old niece moves faster than their seeker.”

Monster Energy Drink Work of the Devil

We in America have a long history of accusing things of Satanism based on the flimsiest of evidence. At this point, it’s practically a national pastime to find ways to link a thing we hate to the devil (ed: ‘666 degrees of Kevin Bacon’?). The latest target is Monster brand energy drink, otherwise known as the only thing keeping you awake through finals.

 

An unknown woman helpfully connected the dots of the drink company’s Satanic ties in a YouTube video that went viral this Sunday called, quote, “MONSTER energy drinks are the work of SATAN!!!”. It’s the multiple exclamation points that really clue you in to the work’s credibility.

 

Her evidence is incontrovertible: the three lines in the stylized ‘M’ logo, the woman claims, each correspond perfectly (and by ‘perfectly’, we mean they’re sort of the same shape) to the Hebrew version of the number 6, making the full logo read as 666. Furthermore, the word ‘MONSTER’ on the can has a hidden cross inside of the ‘O’, which–get this–becomes inverted when the can is turned upside-down. Which is just wow. Talk about a cunning Satanist conspiracy, hiding their upside-down crosses by turning them rightside-up.

 

readme is totally convinced, you guys. Thank you, nameless Christian woman, readme is so grateful to you for opening its eyes. In fact, readme would like to return the favor here by pointing out a few other secret Satanists hidden in your midst. You may have noticed that certain subsets of the population wear necklaces with crosses attached to them. And I know what you’re thinking, those are obviously just Christians, but get this. When those necklaces are turned upside-down, the crosses become inverted. Same with crucifixes! The only safe crosses are the ones physically bolted into an upright position, and even then readme would bet those nails were just put there by the devil to confuse us.

 

It should be noted that Monster is not the only energy drink to be receiving its share of controversy in recent times. Red Bull has been coming under fire after a group of college students levied a lawsuit claiming the energy drink “gave [them] wings”. The FDA’s investigation into the drink’s alleged mutagenic properties is still currently ongoing, but preliminary results do not bode well for the company.

 

But could there be more to this story than a perfectly innocent case of a company turning its customers into hideous freaks of nature just to pull off some overly literal advertising. Could Red Bull really be the work of…THE DEVIL?!?! To find out, readme consulted with its own uber-religious conspiracy theorist, Revelation Jones. “Oh, definitely,” said Jones. “There’s just so much proof. The red bull logo has horns, just like the devil. Also, it’s red, and I’m pretty sure red is an evil color. The evidence just keeps piling up, man.”

China Accused in Data Hack, Again

According to a report on The Washington Post, China was the lead suspect behind the massive cyber attack that leaked EVERY of the 800,000 employees’ personal information, as well as some customer data.

Aside from talking about how USPS has such an insecure system that EVERY single employees’ information is leaked (you mean you don’t have special security protections for your top level executives?!),  let’s pause for a moment and actually examine the original article. The first paragraph is the only place where The Washington Post claimed that China is the lead suspect of this data hack. There is no mention of who made this claim (not even an unidentified senior American official). There is also no mention of any findings that lead to the accusations. And the rest of the article said nothing more about China other than it had the motives, means and “history” of doing so.

But not so fast, Law and Order. Because something smells suspiciously similar to past accusations about cyber espionage from China. In fact, when The New York Times broke a story back in July about how the U. S.  office of Personnel Management system was intruded, it accused China in a similar fashion, only that time quoting an “unnamed senior American official”. And after five months, there has been no update to the original story. And guess what, the public has forgotten about it and moved on to more important things like “15 Reasons Why Pumpkin Spice Latte Is Here to Stay “.

Now back to the USPS hack, notice how conveniently this article is published while Obama is in China at the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation conference in Beijing. Guess who wants to pressure President Obama to bring this topic up in front of China’s leadership? readme’s hunch is that they are the same politicians who, let’s say, won’t give the President an easy pass. But hey what’s the harm with a little lie from time to time that no one is gonna catch?

Midterm Voters Possessed by Spirits of Roosevelt, Reagan

The Power of Reagan Compels You!

The Power of Reagan Compels You!

A horde of post-election analysis has followed the midterm elections of last Tuesday, in which voters largely voted for Republican candidates and Democratic issues. While Republicans gained several seats both the Senate and House of Representatives, a majority of voters also threw their support behind liberal issues such as the legalization of marijuana and a higher minimum wage.

 

Political analysts have gleefully leapt to discuss this apparent crisis of identity. Uneducated voters, poorly advertised campaigns, and secret Illuminati plots have all been proposed as explanations to this political paradox. One Californian man, however, believes that he has uncovered the secret behind the situation.

 

“All the Democrats have been possessed by the wrathful spirit of Ronald Reagan, and the wandering ghost of Franklin Roosevelt has done the same to the Republicans,” said Dr. Lib, a registered Democrat voter who has identified the conservative ghost in the back of his mind as one Mr. Rep. “It’s pretty obvious, really. Dunno why nobody else has picked up on it.”

 

This supernatural theory was corroborated by American pop star, Miley Cyrus, who, on the morning following Election Day, posted the following tweet: “woke up hungover wtf happened yesterday #yolo #lol”.

 

A member of the local Ghostbusters chapter informed readme that “symptoms following a demonic or ghostly possession can often resemble the symptoms of a hangover: sunken eyes, loss of memory, a reduced appetite, head pain, and an unfortunate resemblance to Macaulay Culkin.”

 

“Exactly,” Dr. Lib said, when contacted for additional information. “See? Even celebrities are being affected. It’s all right there in front of our faces. There’s no other explanation.”

 

Political experts have commented on a rise in moderate politics and economically conservative, yet socially liberal voters. However, Dr. Lib scoffed at the idea.

 

“Dems voting for red candidates? Republicans voting for liberal issues? It’s ridiculous. How the heck would anyone voluntarily vote for a cause or candidate that didn’t completely match up with their worldview? Madness. I wouldn’t want to live in a world like that.

 

“No,” Lib went on. “Demonic possession makes much more sense. And you just know that, with all of the religious devotion Reagan gets these days from conservatives, at least one person has got to have sacrificed a donkey heart, spoken the Antifederalist Litany, the whole shebang.”

 

Attempts to contact members of the Illuminati and Freemasons on the resurrection of Franklin Roosevelt’s vengeful spirit were, sadly, unsuccessful.

Choose Your Own Weather Report!

It's as good a guess as any, really.

It’s as good a guess as any, really.

Predicting the weather is hard, you guys. It’s even harder when you’re a biweekly news publication with no experience in meteorology whatsoever trying to write a funny article about weather in Pittsburgh that won’t be immediately rendered obsolete when winter finally hits. So readme’s decided to beat the system. Instead of making one prediction that will inevitably be proven wrong and make our readers hate us, readme has instead decided to predict ALL THE WEATHERS! So take your pick, and decide for yourself what the future holds.

 

Weather Forecast: Sunny.

 

Well, Pittsburgh, looks like winter has come and gone. Thank god for global warming, because it’s a balmy seventy-five degrees outside with not a cloud in the sky. Rainbows have been appearing out of nowhere all day and the sun is literally smiling at you. In fact, the whether is so good, it’s impossible for anything bad to happen, because science. That test last week you bombed? Totally won’t impact your GPA in any way. In fact, all of your midterms and finals have been canceled, and your professors have decided to give you all A’s. Everything is perfect, forever, and nothing about this will ever change.

 

Weather Forecast: Cloudy

 

Where’s global warming when you need it? It’s a cloudy day today, just like it’s been for the past week, and the temperature has remained at a frustrating constant of too cold for your light jacket, but not cold enough to pull your winter coat out of storage. The lack of sun is also having adverse effects on the time-space continuum, making all of your classes feel five times longer than they actually are while cutting your naptime down by half. To combat the inevitable feeling of ennui, readme’s medical experts recommend staring listlessly out your window while procrastinating on doing any actual work. Your professors will totally understand, and will absolutely not give you zeroes.

 

Weather Forecast: Cold

 

Looks like the actual weather people were right about this one. An arctic super-cyclone just swept through the city, bringing with it all the cold we’d managed to avoid these last two months, as well as a deluge of rain, sleet, and memes of Elsa from Frozen. We’ve had hail the size of golf balls, golf balls the size of hail, and so much ice that you’ll never get the salt off your shoes. Overnight, five feet of snow spontaneously dropped onto CMU campus, forcing students to cut open their Tauntauns’ bellies and snuggle inside for warmth. Classes have not been canceled.

 

Forecast: Apocalypse

 

Well, looks like the Christians were finally right about that end of the world. Everyone’s been Raptured and all that remains is a fiery wasteland populated by hordes of the damned. Temperatures are expected to reach highs of 666 degrees Celsius with a chance of hellfire raining from the skies. Those with sensitive skin are recommended to remain indoors to avoid the risk of roaming demons making a coat from your pelt. Classes have not been canceled.

Obama Takes Stance, Republicans Object

incredibles insuranc

We’ve covered this topic before, as have many of those worthy to be considered our peers: Stephen Colbert, the Onion, Jon Stewart, Clickhole, and John Oliver, to name a few. Just recently, Obama decided to weigh in on the issue. However, the debate still felt like it was missing something. Thankfully, Senator Ted Cruz was there to provide us with yet another gem of political wisdom, from the usual source of political wisdom these days: Twitter.

“Net Neutrality is Obamacare for the Internet. The Internet should not operate at the speed of government,” he tweeted, presumably following them up with hashtags like #obamacaresucks and #someonepleasepayattentiontome. Numerous commentators tried to explain to Cruz that net neutrality is actually not like Obamacare, but maybe what Cruz meant was that the two are similar in that Obama cares about both.

Cruz’s spokeswoman issued a follow up tweet to clarify their position: “Net neutrality puts gov’t in charge of determining pricing, terms of service, and what products can be delivered. Sound like Obamacare much?” If by that she means that the government determines that prices have to be fair, terms of service can’t be tilted in anyone’s favor, and that the products have to be genuine, yeah, it does vaguely sound like Obamacare. Also like a thing we kind of need.

Because seriously, these are cable companies we’re talking about here. Remember what happened a while back between Netflix and Comcast. Under the current, non-net-neutral rules, Comcast gets to charge content providers like Netflix for being on the Internet. But during negotiations, a strange thing happened. Comcast users began to notice Netflix videos took an unusually long time to load. This slow-down only happened to customers using Comcast, and only when they were watching Netflix. Completely by coincidence, readme is sure. And when Netflix agreed to Comcast’s prices, loading speeds returned to normal. Also probably a complete coincidence.

Such shakedowns would be banned under net neutrality. readme would explain to you why, except that net neutrality is so damn boring readme fell asleep trying to explakfghdvzfuhs. Sorry about that, readme just fell asleep on its keyboard while trying to explain how it couldn’t explain net neutrality. That’s how boring it is.

Internet providers want to convince us that net neutrality is a bad thing, and comparing it to Obamacare is an easy way to do that. But as we saw with Netflix, if net neutrality is like Obamacare, companies like Comcast are like that one douchebaggy insurance guy from the Incredibles who got thrown through a wall.

Knowing all this, readme almost wanted to think that Cruz was actually in support of both Obamacare and net neutrality, and this was just his way of showing it. Unfortunately, this is probably not the case. Cruz is of the top contenders for the Republican presidential race in 2016, which basically means he’s been putting forth a lot of presidential-sounding platforms and paying a lot of attention to Iowa (they vote first, which makes them just the best).
Along with the other 32 candidates the GOP is eyeing (March Madness will now be death-matches between aging white men, get your fantasy teams ready!), Cruz appears to be strengthening his supporter base by negating anything Obama says. It wasn’t until Obama officially came out in support of net neutrality that Cruz came out against it. Voters like that shit. Our current president may be on the way out, but it seems like his motto is going to stick around. Only this time it’s the Republicans who are crying for “Change!”