Texas Wants to Secede, Too

You know, the traditional values
You know, the traditional values

Texas is outraged because it failed to receive an invitation to join a thought-experiment republic named “Reagan.” As one of the prime candidates for secession, they were astonished to hear that they were deemed unfit.


The new country, “Reagan,” would be made up of Florida, Georgia, and South Carolina. These states have the industry and access to both the gulf and the Atlantic that would be needed to survive, according to Douglas MacKinnon, a former Reagan aide. Not that he would ever suggest they actually secede, though. This is entirely an academic exercise.


When readme did some quick research, we found that Florida and South Carolina are the number one and number two net beneficiaries of the federal government. Florida receives $143,407 more than it pays, and Georgia nets $89,464 from the federal government. Georgia actually paid $22,897 more than they received, which would help cover the deficit of the other two. Texas also pays more than it receives, for a net cost of $51,207, which it swore would be helpful for those mooching Floridians, if they would just give Texas a chance.


Regardless, the reason behind the secession is not finances. MacKinnon is advocating for a separate country to be formed (theoretically, of course) in order to prevent those filthy liberals from forcing the gay agenda on everyone. Traditional values must be protected from pesky anti-discrimination laws. When someone can’t refuse service to people they disagree with, it’s time to walk out and start your own country. You know, just like the South did in the 1960s when blacks were given the right to vote–wait, sorry, we meant the 1860s. We all know how that went, but MacKinnon says that this time, it would be different.


According to MacKinnon, the War of Northern Aggression was entirely illegal. With the communications technology of today, there is no way the federal government would get away with such an outrageous war. The assembled nations of the world would not allow an authoritarian tyrant overlord like Obama to dictate what the borders of his country are. You know, just like Putin wasn’t allowed to annex Crimea and sow discord in eastern Ukraine, and how everyone stepped in to support the rebels in Syria when they revolted against al-Assad.


Texas is in full support of many of the issues, and likes to consider itself something of a leader on the issue of secession. It even had a White House petition asking for it to secede; unfortunately, nothing came of it. Why wouldn’t MacKinnon want to bring the largest state in mainland USA into the fold of “Reagan”? Well, quite simply, because “there have been a number of incursions into Texas from some of the folks in Mexico” (actual quote). In addition to gays, apparently no Mexicans are allowed near the new nation. They only want true-blue Americans as neighbors.


Texas has decided to one-up the (entirely hypothetical) state of “Reagan” and form its own, entitled “Feeling Chipper with the Gipper.”

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