Russia Finds Medical Reason to Ban Selfies

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Also a possible health risk associated with selfies: Sharks.

Now that even Pope Francis has gotten in on the selfie game, Russia has come out with a compelling reason why young people should avoid them. Not because they’re narcissistic, or inappropriate for heads-of-states to indulge in at funerals, or because no one really wants to see your ugly mug again, but because there is a serious health risk: head lice.

That’s right. Whenever you take selfies with a group of friends (or strangers), you end up cramming your head together with others’ heads. This often ends up in hair-to-hair contact, which is the prime condition for spreading lice.

readme decided it needed a vacation and went to Russia to see what the youth feel about this new recommendation from a regional health agency. “Well, I’m worried about the ebola, so not taking selfies seems like the next step,” said one teen wearing a shower cap and face mask. readme tried to convince them that ebola wasn’t spread through lice, but they ran away, spraying hand sanitizer over their shoulder. Another youth said that “it’s kinda a bummer not to be able to take selfies with friends, but now I can take more of just me!”

Reasons given for the health guideline include the fact that lice are “constant companions of natural and social disasters,” and that “typhus is carried by lice, and in the old days, it carried away a lot of lives. In the Russian-Turkish war (1768-1774), typhus killed more people than wounds received from battle.” Also mentioned is the treatment for lice in medieval Europe: mercury, which causes you to go crazy and die. readme thought that all of these reasons seemed like good ones to avoid lice, and by extension, selfies.

This health agency also suggested that you shouldn’t eat sushi because tapeworms (readme’s new favorite reason: “because tapeworms”), and that crows should be killed because they are just “feathered wolves” that spread bird flu. In addition, the agency has placed bans on imported products from several foreign countries, usually just as the foreign country is planning to do something anti-Russia, like talk to Western Europe. Only a coincidence, of course.
readme has decided that the advice is sound, and from now on, will take no more selfies. Don’t want to catch a case of the lice, which have been such a huge health problem. You can never be too safe.

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