ISIS Installs WiFi to Recruit American Gamers in Response to Ablow Comments

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In recent news, three American girls (aged 15 through 17) have been caught attempting to flee to Syria to join terrorist group ISIS for unknown reasons. Unknown to everyone except Fox News’ Dr. Keith Ablow, that is, who was immediately able to pin down the culprit: video games.

 

Now, there hasn’t exactly been any evidence that the girls were inspired to become terrorists because of video games. Or even that they play video games at all. But they are teenagers, and you know how them teens get with their Nintendos and their Buzzfeeds.

 

“How much,” Ablow asks, “have reality and self-determination, after all, been diluted by drowning ourselves and our children in the waters of Facebook and Twitter and Snapchat and YikYak and YouTube.” That’s right, folks: YikYak causes terrorism. You heard it here first.

 

“Is joining ISIS just going one concrete step further…than playing Wartune, an interactive game in which players enter a dark fantasy world and take on the role of knights or archers who do battle with one another?” Wartune, for reference, is that one game you keep getting pop up ads for when you’re illegally streaming movies on the Internet. You know, the one with all the boobs.

 

Now, some might argue that there’s slightly more than ‘one concrete step’ between sitting on your couch in your pajamas pushing buttons on a controller and moving to Syria to fight a bloody war for religious extremists. But Ablow notes that the brainwashing effects of ‘The Internets’ are subtle and widespread. No young person these days actually has thoughts and opinions of their own, unless they agree with Keith Ablow, in which case they’re totally legit.

 

Gamers are ISIS’s target demographic, says Ablow, as their fanaticism is completely unmatched in America today. Some gamers spend thousands of dollars on video games, an amount of money that nobody has ever spent on anything else ever, especially not when they’re a wealthy GOP supporter and it’s election year. Clearly, the gamers have them outmatched. “How hard would it be,” Ablow asks, “to recruit the most avid users of such games…to fight in a faraway land for an army of bloodthirsty lunatics wearing black hoods and sweeping across the desert?”

 

Well, for starters, first you’d have to get them out of their basements, which as the parents of these avid gamers can tell you is no mean feat. “Frankly, if ISIS can get my son to stop playing on that Xbox, more power to them,” says one parent, whose 34-year-old son, hasn’t left his couch in over ten years. “At least he’ll finally get some exercise.”

 

readme spoke with a representative of ISIS, asking the terrorist group’s opinion on Ablow’s piece. “It really opened our eyes,” said the representative. “Me and the guys were just thinking, you know what this anti-American organization needs? More Americans.” He added that ISIS was positively giddy at the thought of inviting a bunch of unathletic nerds who think they know how to shoot a gun just because they’ve played Call of Duty a few times into their rigorous military movement. They’ve even starting installing Wifi into their camps to better cater to this desirable demographic.

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