U.S. Race Relations Stuck in Time Loop

In an event totally unrelated to the shootings that kicked off the Ferguson protests, an 18-year-old named Vonderrit Myers, Jr. was fatally shot by an off-duty police officer on the eighth of October. In what will be a shock only to those who have either been living under a rock or who have only been recently resurrected to start the zombie apocalypse, Myers just happened to be black.

According to the officer’s report, he had been working a second job at a private security gig (still in his police uniform) when Myers caught sight of him and fled. When the officer gave chase, Myers hid in some bushes, pulled a gun out of his hoodie, and shot at the officer three times, at which point the officer retaliated with lethal force.

Subsequent investigations of the scene found no trace of either the hoodie Myers was supposedly wearing or the bushes he was said to have hid behind. But, hey, that doesn’t prove anything. Myers’s friends had plenty of time in the one day after the report came out to hide the hoodie and undertake a goddamn landscaping project to make it look like the cop was lying.

Then there’s the fact that the officer’s story literally changed the day people started pointed out the lack of bushes, and that this officer shot Myers a total of seventeen times, which even in a case of genuine self-defense seems somewhat excessive.

The citizens of St. Louis seemed to agree. Protesters gathered in the neighborhood after the incident shouting “Hands up, don’t shoot”—but, of course, there are absolutely no similarities between this incident and Ferguson. Also entirely dissimilar is the way the police claimed the St. Louis protest had turned violent despite protesters denying any such thing, or the extremely militant behavior exhibited by the police when faced with this initially peaceful protest.

But it’s not like this is a sign of some systemic problem with the system or something. There’s just no way racially-motivated police brutality still exists in our post-race United States of America (we elected Obama, after all). There’s got to be some sort of scientific explanation or something. Thankfully, readme was able to speak with a math major, who told it that Myers’s shooting was a perfect example of what she called ‘The Rodney King Phenomenon.”

“As a cop approaches a civilian they think looks suspicious,” she explained, “the level of force that is considered ‘appropriate’ approaches infinity. As such, we get results where three alleged bullets is temporarily equal to seventeen, and no bullets is equal to six.” readme asked her what determined whether or not a civilian was considered ‘suspicious’, she replied, “Racism. Like, duh.”

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