Reasons Kim Jong-Un Had Been Missing

…also what we wish had been in theaters this weekend.

  • The robot leader created to replace Kim Jong-Ill (AKA Kim Jong-Un) has been acting strangely, perhaps learning how to love. Experts have taken it in for repairs.
  • Jong-Un is currently upping the dystopian level of North Korean by running his own competition where children battle mercilessly for survival.
  • What began as a pleasant hike in the wilderness has ended with the Dear Leader trapped under a boulder.
  • A high-level official has begun machinations to oust Kim Jong-Un, after a broken promise.
  • After a terrible storm on a cold February night, Kim Jong-Un woke up in a Pittsburgh hotel, only to find himself living the same Groundhog Day over and over again, never able to return to North Korea.
  • Kim Jong-Un realized that the very ideal that his country is based on is dehumanizing and oppressive. With his special power of being the Giver, he ran away from his home to the edge of his fictional society.
  • Kim Jong-Un is currently shooting an upcoming blockbuster with the Dennis Rodman titled “Bruh”.
  • Kim Jong-Un can’t seem to keep himself from an affair with a former campaign member, now private crisis manager working for her own law firm. And it’s not hard to guess why we haven’t seen Kim Jong-Un lately. (gasp) Scandal!

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