Microsoft Misplaces Windows 9 Dev Team

Microsoft has announced their new operating system, which should be available sometime next year. After the ups of Windows 7 and downs of Windows 8 and 8.1, Microsoft is surely aiming for another high point in Windows 9–wait, Windows 10?

That’s right, Microsoft is skipping over the number 9 in favor of 10. While it may seem confusing at first, readme can assure you that it makes perfect sense. Windows must have lost track of their development team.

We got in touch with a high-up in Microsoft, Dolla Doors, who agreed to speak with readme, after she was coerced into a broom closet. “Well, to be honest, I didn’t even notice that we had gone straight to 10. It just started showing up on the agenda, and no one really keeps track of these things anyways. What comes after eight? Nine, ten, 42, 7, does it really matter?” When pressed further about what really happened to Windows 9, she responded: “Who knows, maybe 7 ate 9.”

How could Microsoft lose an entire team of developers, working on such an important new piece of software? “Well, the last I saw of them was around cubicle 73B a few months ago. However, some of the over-40s were pretty entrenched in the XP section. Anyways, they must have wandered off and gotten lost. This place is a fucking maze.” We asked what would become of them, Doors shrugged. “Either they’ll come stumbling into the break room one day, or a janitor will uncover their remains.”

When we asked Microsoft’s HR department about this, they pointed to a clause in their employees’ “Terms and Conditions” handbook that covered this situation. Apparently Joe Schmoe and the rest of his development team didn’t read it fully before checking the box and choosing continue.

Doors admitted that in the new Windows 10, the “9” key will be non-functional, Excel will not include row 9, and the font sizes will also skip the number. However, these so-called features will be removed shortly in a Service Pack 9. “This update will be just like the Windows updates you all know and love,” Doors assured readme. We assumed that meant it will incessantly let you know it’s available until you finally click the damn pop-up, which would cause it to take over your computer for the next 4 hours.
The jump from 8 to 10 is also supposed to encourage development of programs and apps. “We’re following the philosophy of, ‘If you build it, they won’t come,’ which has worked for the past few iterations of Windows. That’s why we’re now offering huge incentives for third-party developers.” In addition, skipping Windows 9 avoids naming one of the most widespread operating systems after an unlucky number, according to Japanese superstitions. “We skipped Windows 4 for the same reason. And after all the great luck we’ve been having with Windows 8, we don’t want to jinx it.”

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