Fox News Grasps at (Coffee) Straws

The country is awash with rage following the scandal of President Obama’s coffee-toting salute, and righteously so. Experts at respected establishments such as Fox and Friends and The O’Reilly Factor have expressed outrage, both online and on cable, at what was clearly a deliberate attempt to showcase the President’s blatant disregard for the armed forces.

“It’s a Coffeegate,” one talk-show host says, adding this recent issue to a long list of other prestigious problems including Bendgate (courtesy of Apple), Closetgate (courtesy of South Park), and Nipplegate (courtesy of Justin Timberlake).

The scandal, which began when President Obama offered a salute to a pair of Marines outside of Air Force while bearing a coffee cup in the same hand, has quickly gone international. “It’s disgusting,” said British PM David Cameron. “I mean, really. Coffee? Couldn’t the man have had some decency and held up a nice Darjeeling?”

National leaders from every corner of the globe have jumped in to condemn Obama’s choice of beverage. “What that man needs is a good beer,” said German chancellor Angela Merkel. “None of that watery swill that you Americans call alcohol.”

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper violently disagreed. “That’d be even more disrespectful,” he said in a press release. “Get him some maple syrup – the good kind. Quality, home-maker’s syrup. And if I hear one mention of this ‘Aunt Jemima’ crap, you can kiss our funding of the NHL goodbye.”

The commissioner of the National Hockey League, when contacted for comment, refused to believe that his sport was subsidized by Canadian viewers alone, and refused to answer subsequent phone calls.

Prominent historians have agreed with the world’s condemnation of Coffeegate, calling the whole thing ‘a gateway to insanity’. “Not because of the choice of drink, per se,” says one professor at Carnegie Mellon, wishing to stay anonymous for fear of hipster attack, “but because anyone with half a brain knows that he probably wasn’t even drinking a latte. You ever had a real, honest-to-God Italian latte? Those things are great for when you need to stay up grading terrible essays.”

When asked about the disrespect of the salute itself, the professor shrugged and said, “Yeah, I’d say it’s a pretty rough choice. Sure, it might be a non-obligatory executive ritual popularized in the seventies against the wishes of the Pentagon, but come on – saluting with a coffee cup in hand? That’s just so damn tacky.

“And come on,” he added. “You think the President cares at all about quality coffee? I’ll bet that shit was Starbucks.”

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