Police Body Cameras Fail to Capture Certain Issues

Policepersons across the United States will soon be required to wear body cameras while responding to incidents. Groups everywhere, from the A.C.L.U. to the Justice Department, are excited about the new procedures, as they will increase accountability and ensure clear evidence of incident response. Unfortunately, agreeing on how amazing something is is boring, so readme went out to find the unspoken downsides. It turns out that the downsides are unspoken for a reason; very few people speak them. But readme found some nonetheless!

“I’ve been watching shaky, personal recordings of citizens yelling about their rights to cops for years,” said one neckbearded respondent. “I just can’t handle high-quality, voluntary, publicly available recordings made by cops. It doesn’t make sense.” And newly hired data processor Colin Sick has been stressed since he began work. “It’s hours upon hours of cars passing. Sometimes I see the numbers in my sleep, neverending: 60, 61, 60, 60, 56, 60, 62…” Mr. Sick then went into a trance. readme took the chance to remove cash from his wallet and then run away.

There are potential upsides, however. Google has been working with Pittsburgh police to try to add Glass support to the “above-ear” camera models. Engineer Al Jabra explained: “Imagine you’re in a high-speed chase. With a mere ‘Okay, Glass,’ you would be able to find nearby gas stations or restaurants the suspect might want to stop at. Alternatively, you could tell stop-and-frisk victims interesting facts about their surroundings.”

One policewoman was incredibly enthusiastic about the change. “I’ve decided to go for full immersion,” said Patty O’Wagon. “I’m taking film classes at a local college and have decided to make my experience my final project, titled ‘8760 Hours.’ It’ll be available online, uncensored; I felt that detraction from real life through editing would risk the audience’s comprehension.” The film has been pre-emptively entered into the Museum of Modern Art’s permanent collection.

But no matter how beneficial these cameras may be, one downside will never be removed: their lens caps. “The $@%# things won’t come off!” said Chief Paine Suffring. “We’ve tried duct tape, elbow grease, knee grease, and those rubber circle things you get at supermarkets.” Hopefully manufacturers will address this potentially devastating issue before the body cameras are used by policepersons across the United States. Oh, that’s already happening? Oops.

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