iPhone Fails to Cure Cancer, Apple Users Riot

Despite the hype surrounding the release of Apple’s iPhone 6, consumer trust in the company was irrevocably shattered when customer complaints indicated that the frames of iPhone 6s bent when placed in a user’s pocket. Literally ones of customers reported their phones exhibiting this flaw, sparking a scandal that became known by some as ‘Bendgate’ (or, by those with actual creativity, ‘Bendghazi’).

The Bendghazi scandal swept through the Internet within days of breaking. Videos went viral of iPhone users demonstrating the iPhone’s supposed design flaw by attempting to break the machines they just spent $200 dollars on. It was sort of like the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, except instead of raising money for research into curing a debilitating illness, all it did was remind us how little original content there is on YouTube these days.

But is there really any truth to these accusations? According to one consumer, yes, the new iPhone 6 bends surprisingly easy under numerous everyday conditions, like being dropped from a helicopter rappel, used to block bullet fire, and sealed into an underground cavern where the walls slowly move in to crush you. readme asked the consumer what the fuck kind of life she led that this was an everyday thing, but was forced to flee before they got an answer when a horde of angry ninja attacked the consumer.

Thankfully, one Apple customer was more than happy to demonstrate the iPhone 6’s bendability to readme. The first attempt to bend the phone had no visible effect, though the man assured readme that he could do it, definitely, he just needed to get a better grip first. His next five attempts were similarly unsuccessful, which he said was really weird, because he never had that much trouble with it before. Like, any time his girlfriend needs him to bend an iPhone, she goes straight to him, and this one’s probably just stuck anyways. “Maybe if I run it under some hot water,” he mused.

But this Bendghazi scandal is not the only technical issue which plagues the iPhone 6. One Apple user reports to her frustration that the iPhone 6 runs out of battery when not plugged in. Another complains that the iPhone is unable to receive text messages from the future, and a third insists that his iPhone is the reason he has yet to win 2048.

And, of course, there are the allegations that the iPhone 6 has yet to create world peace, solve racism, or cure cancer. Because, really, what’s even the point if the iPhone 6 is just another cellphone? We’re not paying for a phone here, we’re paying for an ideal. Who cares if it’s bigger, or thinner, or comes in a gold frame? Wait holy shit, it comes in a gold frame? readme takes it all back, guys. The iPhone is perfect, Apple is God again.

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