The Terrorist Group Formerly Known as ISIS is currently holding a nationwide convention to decide a properly terrifying acronym. “We want to be scary-sounding, you know?” said a representative of the organization. “ISIS doesn’t sound scary. It sounds like an alternative rock band. Besides, the Egyptians are getting worked up over it—something about ancient blasphemy, I think.”
“It’s bad enough having a goddess named Nut,” commented one Egyptian mythology expert. “Can we at least keep this name dignified?”
The session was opened by a riveting speech from the group’s leader, Caliph Ibrahim ibn Awad ibn Ibrahim ibn Ali ibn Muhammad al-Badri al-Samarrai. However, that quickly wound down after he began referring to himself in the third person and put most of the members to sleep. Debate then began over whether the group should be IS, ISI, ISIS, ISIL, or some other combination of letters for “maximum 3spooky5me factor,” as requested by another member. “I would actually prefer to go back to Tanzim Qa’idat al-Jihad fi Bilad al-Rafidayn, but nobody else seems to like it,” said the man. “Now that was a name to send shivers down an enemy’s spine!”
Multiple times throughout the session, readme noticed members referencing a mysterious paper. After some subtle body language, readme was able to obtain a copy, which turned out to be a “cheat sheet” of sorts. “Hey, even we can’t keep track,” said a representative sitting in the back of the chamber and folding a paper airplane. The list included JTJ, AQI, ISI, ISIL, ISIS, IS, QSIS, and “kill all who mention Da’esh.” readme decided to avoid the term.
After a full day of debate, representatives were unable to come to a verdict. Spirits remained high, though. “Our projections show that we’ll be taking over the entirety of the Fertile Crescent by 2015,” said the Caliph. “We’re hoping for a 10 percent market share by October.” When asked if President Obama’s call for drone strikes would affect his model, he appeared shocked and began whispering fiercely to an aide, who had just been struck by what appeared to be a paper airplane. The session was then quickly called to a close, the question unanswered.