Scotland to Britain: “It’s Not You, It’s Me.”

As a newspaper concerned with the comings and goings of college students, readme is, of course, obligated to get utterly wasted on a regular basis. You know, for research. On one of these ‘research runs’, readme happened to run into Scotland, drinking a glass of–what else?–Irish whiskey. readme got to drinking with the country, who announced to readme that he was considering breaking up with Britain, his girlfriend of three hundred years.


When readme asked why, Scotland responded, “I’ve just got to be free to do my own thing, you know? I’m sick of being tied down.”


Now, readme is something of an expert on long-term relationships, having been together with the Tartan for all of five months, so it felt more than qualified to comment on Scotland’s centuries-long relationship. But when readme suggested that maybe all Scotland needed to do was sit down and talk with Britain, he scoffed that Britain can be, quote, ‘a real bitch’ sometimes. “She’s always regulating me,” he said over his glass, “never letting me try my own ideas. I’ve got big ideas, you know, but no, she’s always got to do things her way.”


readme, of course, wanted to counsel caution. But Scotland insisted he can make the single life work. “I knew this one guy, Czech Republic,” he said, “and he was really tight with his girlfriend Slovakia, like really tight, like they were basically one person or something. But then they broke up and it was the best thing that ever happened to him.” readme, remembering their own breakup, was a little more skeptical.


But readme’s not the only one concerned about Scotland. Besides the hordes of Whovians who worry they’ll never get another dreamy Scottish Doctor, experts wonder how the breakup will affect Scotland’s place in the friendgroup. “There’s a real chance the European Union will side with Britain on this one,” said Dr. K. Kapur, an expert in Gossip Studies. “And if she decides to hold a grudge, the resulting dramabomb could leave Scotland completely isolated.”


The only one not concerned, surprisingly, is Britain herself. “He’s just throwing a temper tantrum,” Britain said when confronted by readme about the news. “Thinks he can do so much better without me. He wouldn’t last a year on his own. I’m already paying for his rent, and he thinks he can just make it on his own? Please.”


Britain maintained that Scotland leaving her would be “the biggest mistake of his life”, saying that he needs her for financial support, if nothing else. She also noted that the pound is her thing, okay, and if Scotland leaves she’s totally keeping that. “I mean, I guess he can go on the Euro, but why would he even want to? Like, ew.”


“Look, if you’re really serious about this, whatever,” said Britain in an open letter to her for-now boyfriend. “But you’d better mail me my stuff, okay? I left a whole bunch of nukes off your coast the last time I was over and I want those back. They have sentimental value.”Comic

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